Family members stress and anxiety

Evening Bumblebee @oapwniz1f2

Firstly, I am really to hear that your husband has been gambling to such extent. That is an awful shock.

You are being really brave as I can sense you are really hurting and will be feeling all sorts of emotions.

I know what it feels like to find out someone you love or care for has a harmful relationship with gambling.

My son gambled for 9 years and caused destruction and despair. But he is alive and well and 17 months gamble free now. But alot of work had to be done.

The good thing is that you now know  and husband wants to change. Mortgage companies will do  listen to you and hopefully they can work out a payment plan. You just need to know what you are facing.

Gamcare are really helpful , so keep talking as you need someone to listen to you non judgementally.

I wonder if you have any friends or family that can support as well.?

There is hope but the decision to change has to be your husbands in going forward. 

Feeling alone is a very familiar feeling, I remember. Feeling perhaps that you own all of the problem and perhaps you need to fix.

The fact that your husband has called as well is really encouraging and hope you can both get the right support.

Have faith that most debts can be sorted and then you can rebuild. Its not easy but possible.

I am a volunteer supporter and offer email support which you can access through helpline.

One day at a time Bumblebee.

Gamecare community are here in what ever capacity is right for you.

Bes wishes 

Patsy

@ofb741hvqs 

Thank you so much for your reply Patsy. I'm so sorry you've also had to go through all this and well-done to your son for putting the work in and staying on the right track.

Gamcare have been brilliant! The advisor on the phone was so lovely and really helped me start the conversation as I didn't even know where to begin or how to feel. 

I'm normally quite an anxious person I keep myself to myself, my whole life is centred around my kids. I don't really go out and I'm a stay at home mum so haven't really got anyone to talk to. I don't want to put my family through the stress of knowing. I don't want them to feel the stress and anxiety that I do from it all.

I gave the mortgage company another call today, I'm sure they're sick of me ringing. I just wanted some extra reassurance that we're gonna fix this. Giving me the 2 weeks grace to get my head around everything was brilliant of them but the thoughts of that long wait was eating me alive. I just want it sorted sooner rather than later so I can feel like I can breathe again. I'm hoping it shows them I'm keen in sorting the problem and not running from it. We made slight progress today.

Husbands feeling like a weight has been lifted off him but I feel like I'm the 1 now carrying it. For my own peace of mind I have to be the 1 that's making the phone calls and fixing it as the trust has totally been broken with all the lies. My kids home and happiness has to be the priority. Everything will be coming out from my account from now on so that I know the bills are being paid. I know he feels terrible and ashamed and has taken a good first step by ringing the helpline and blocking all the sites. I know I can't control and fix everything and he has to put the work in but I'm really hoping this is a big wake up call for him.

As you've said one day at a time. 

Thank you so much for listening.

Hi bumblebee 

stepchange are a good charity you can call and get some advice about debt. Both of you should call.

In my experience trying to sort and fix everything takes responsibility away from the gambler, so doing this together will help.

credit reports, complete transparency from your partner will show a clearer picture of the extent of debt.

its perfectly normal to be in complete shock. I remember just being at the kitchen sink crying all the time. 

I severed myself financially by becoming ‘tenants in common’ it protects your share of the house.

I found Gamanon a valuable safe place to get support. Remember to look after yourself and the kids first. Don’t get dragged into the chaos. 
The thing that finally helped my husband was to stop all access to money. He did cash and receipts. It made him accountable.

@merry-go-round thank you so much for your reply it means a lot! Sorry you've also had to go through this.

I'm currently in talks with the mortgage specialists support team and hoping to have some plan in place 2 weeks from now. Which is the main and most worrying debt. There's only 2 others thankfully 1 of which I've resolved and the other I'm waiting to hear back and hopeful that it's also easily resolved. It's the worry of losing the house that's causing the most anxiety. 

Unfortunately I can't be financially independent at the minute as I'm currently a stay at home mum so I feel like my only option is to fix and take over the finances. I'll be honest in saying I also don't trust him to try and sort it himself as I have been told a lot of lies and my fear is he would just keep doing what he has been and burying his head in the sand.

I'm doing everything within my power to make sure the kids are happy healthy and not dragged into it all. My heart is breaking that he could ever let this happen especially not paying the mortgage of all things, god I'm so mad with him for that. It's probably going be to a tough few years trying to pay it all back but I'm hoping there is light at the end of this dark tunnel.

This has to be the only time this happens otherwise unfortunately the kids and myself is going to have to come first and he's going to have to leave. He knows all of this and I was very clear on where we stood. He does seem like he wants to change and has said if he knew how to block the gambling sites etc before now then he would of because he doesn't want to be like this. I'm feeling stuck between trying not to make him feel worse and just being completely P****d that he ever let it happen. 

Hi you can financially sever yourself even without income. It means your share of house is safe. It also means you’re not responsible for his debt. That’s why talking to stepchange will help you because they are specifically for this.

@merry-go-round  brilliant! Thank you so much for the information. I'll definitely give them a call then and find out how to go about it. It would definitely give me a little more peace of mind. I thought the only way through this would be to fix the mess that been done and take over from there in the hopes he means what he says. My husbands usually the 1 that's sorts all the financial stuff as I don't have a clue about it all but obviously that can't be the case anymore.

Again thank you so much it's much appreciated!

WEll done @oapwniz1f2 Bumble bee

You have shown that you have inner strength as you strive to protect your home and lovely children.

The resources on this site are all so helpful, 10 years ago affected others were very much on our own. Gamcare and the community are really amazing and help people no end. 

You say you feel your husband feels lighter but you feel its all on your shoulders now as you do not trust him. 

Make sure that you try to take some time for yourself Bumblebee as its a long road ahead and you need to pace yourself .

Hope the long weekend brings you some peace and keeping talking. 

Patsy