Fed up : ( Looking to vent

Hope everyone is doing okay!

I said to him about 6 months back i didn’t think i could be with him anymore as in love feelings had gone after all the gambling etc. As far as I know he hasn’t gambled etc so basically just co-parenting at the moment and sleeping in separate rooms/sofa. He spent an absolute fortune on me over xmas, I’m not sure why, I don’t mean it in ungrateful way at all but it makes me feel like i really need to appreciate it even more due to the amount he spent but if we’re not together then not sure why he decided to do it, he said ‘because i still love you but hopefully that will change’. But money doesn’t equal love anyway. I had got the presents etc for our children and he was going to give me money towards that, which would have been extremely helpful, but he didn’t and bought stuff for me instead. But then says about bills being high (some of the bills i paid before as he use to say because he earns more it’s not fair he has to pay more bills etc 🤔 ) so i struggled for a few years and then suddenly he wants to be helpful and backtracks on what he says. He says about bills going up so why spend so much at Xmas, i think maybe addicts have problems with over spending anyway? But if i was to say send the stuff back then i would appear ungrateful to him so hard to win and just starts another long series of arguements!

I’ve unfortunately been unwell the last week and almost bed bound for a few days so i couldn’t get to the shop myself, i said to him i’ll do an order as the local shop is on just eat as i needed paracetamol etc and they delivered the wrong items so obviously i was upset as i was so so ill and worn out after getting to the door to answer it to find out the wrong stuff had been delivered that i desperately needed. He didn’t offer to go to the shop and just said ‘why you crying about it’ but i was emotional as so ill and weak. He said well ‘we’re not together are we and remember that was your decision not mine’ ‘have to ask me if you want me to do anything etc’ how can i feel like i can ask him to anyway?! Just his attitude really got me annoyed!! Then later on in the day he said i’ll go to the shop if you want anything 😡
He has made sure kids have be fed etc but the other day his attitude was disgusting as he was obviously in a mood anyway and said ‘they’re capable of getting off their arses and feeding themselves’! 😤 7 and 12, 12 yr old has additional needs so i often have to remind her to eat properly as well not just snacks all day. What sort of attitude is that from their father! The youngest lately has often come up to me and said things like ‘i’m not talking to dad, i don’t like his attitude’

He keeps saying to me ‘you might appreciate me when i move out as this is what you wanted’ and seems to think i’m happy and says he’s constantly miserable. When he runs out of his tobacco i notice his change in moods more as well which he denies but obviously he can’t see it 🙄

I’ve said to him when have i ever said i’m happy about any of this, at the end of the day we’re in this position because of him starting to gamble 6 years ago!! Then once i said i can’t do it anymore it’s all on me! And ‘well this is what you wanted’ which is what he replies each time!
I tell him i’ve learned to put a front on for the sake of the children which i have and think you just become numb to it which obviously isn’t healthy and i just focus on the children. I told him the amount of times i use to cry myself to sleep etc or shut myself away in the bathroom and he says he can’t change the past. I know he can’t but he never sought help each time i asked him to!
He just says well i’ve stopped now for a year etc!

So if / when he does move out i’ll be the ‘bad person’ for ending it but it wasn’t my doing in the first place!
I would love to be a proper family unit again but i think what happens once the children are old enough to have their own lives ? He also helps with some school runs atm and I can’t afford to reduce my hours at work as won’t be able to afford bills. The rent in the area is very high so if / when he moves out he’d only be able to afford a room potentially which i’d feel really bad about 😢 and plus how could he have the kids round in a room, if it was a one / 2 bed place i’m not sure how long the rent period would be for etc and it would be extremely expensive as well. I feel like i’m stuck between a rock and a hard place!

I’m not sure if couple therapy etc is too far gone as it’s his attitude at times as well and i almost see him as a different person but also grieve what we once had so it’s difficult 😢

Thanks for reading, i just needed to vent