Fed up of broken promises and lies

Phew x a big hug from me to you x i am a compulsive gambler x you are exactly right he/we are selfish people where money is concerned (but maybe not love), I never intended to damage anyone, partner, children, but I did. Fortunately for my partner we never properly lived together, we had a week-end and holiday relationship for ten years, I loved her dearly but not enough as she pointed out when I saw her for the last time on 1.12.2017 , a year ago. I had confessed endless times about my issues around gambling and money, she forgave me many times, so that fateful day i travelled to her house with my son in tow, and told her the truth, i could not fulfil my part of the financial bargain when we were due to retire in five years, I gave her the opportunity to start again without a gambler in tow, and she took the new life while she could. Everyday I cry a liitle at what I lost x my soul mate x the respect ot two families x if i had listened i could have had a great end to my life instead of lonliness and maybe poverty. I would urge your husband/partner to read the stories on this site, thay explain where gambling can take you x he needs to see the depths it can you too x for you decide if love or financial peace of mind you need x its a toughy x your last sentence is quite clear and correct if he does not help himself properly long term your relationship is doomed x

You have to see proof. If he has an allowance to gamble he will gamble. If he has an allowance for necessities he should provide receipts. You have to be strong, ruthless. You can't expect a gambler to stop when they have money. You need to have limits and rules. Looking after money has to be foolproof otherwise this continues. Gambling not only damages the gambler but also everyone around. It's bad behaviour that gets progressively worse. You need to get help and support for yourself too. He needs to stop making excuses and show you he's willing to stop. GA meetings and self exclusion.

I could have written this myself. Years ago my husband had big issues gambling and I trusted him to change. He has just lied to me when his payday was and gambled all his wages. I am on maternity leave and worrying how to pay the rent and bills with what little money I have. When my husband stopped gambling that time his drinking started to increase so now he has an addiction to both. I feel I need to cut my losses and leave him, he has no thought where the money he spends comes from or what mess he leaves me in and like you I had his wages paid into a joint account where I would move them into my account and let him have 'spending money' but he changed jobs. Now we have a child I don't want them growing up in this environment and it is heartbreaking. I just don't kniw what to do.

Hi All

Thank you for all responding, "Lost my life", thank you for your honesty, im sure it was hard to write that, i really hope you can change your life round and that you find some peace and happiness, can i ask a question, as i find this part of things so hard to understand, if you love someone why isnt that enough to try and make you stop? i understand that its like a drug, but find it so hard to see/know that you are hurting someone so bad but stil do it ( this is the part where i get so frustrated with my partner) At least you were eventually honest ( the lies hurt more than anything)

"Merry Go Round" I dont give him money to gamble he has a weekly allowence ( Plus he has some direct debts coming out of his account) I just feel that yes he shouldnt be gamberling at all, but if he does and does it with his own weekly allowence, it wont have such a big impact on our life ( bills etc) He has promised to go to GA so many times, it got to the point where he was telling me he was going ( but i knew he wasnt) so i made him record himself going into the meeting and sitting down in them ( so i could see he had gone) he has always gone a few times in the past and never goes back . I am looking at options for me as i cant talk to family or friends about this ( as i know they will all say the same thing .... run away as fast as you can, i know i would say the same if i was on the outside looking in)

Kirk87 Oh my heart truly breaks for you, i feel so torn and it it just me, so god knows how you feel knowing you have a child. its so easy for othrs to say just leave, but when you are emotionally attached it is not that easy. Your partner clearly needs helps in more ways than one, and you are right its not a good enviroment for a child to be growing up in, I wish i could give you your answer, do you have a strong circle of friends/family you can speak to or go to? I just find this all so confusing as whenever i read anything it says dont give ultimatiums ( but how else do we make them understand the impact??)

xx

Hi angry and let down, the point I'm making is if you give a gambler money without any proof of where it's been spent or the attitude 'it doesn't affect the rest of us' will allow a cg to gamble. My husband did all of these things, I learnt the hard way. Secret bank accounts gambling just loans. None of us want to think the person we are married to would do this, but they do. The way to make things change is to change what you are doing. I know it's not what you think will help, but it does.

Your heart may indeed want to help him. I would suggest that is the nub of your problem (yours, not his). You’re drawn to fixing someone impossible with your love, even though the reality is that it’s not working and it’s harming you. He is who he is and it’s not your work to change him. I would also suggest that you’re in love with the idea of his potential, who he would be once he’s shaped up and modelled into the person who you want him to be. But the reality is that he’s a gambler whose using your money to gamble whilst lying to you and manipulating you into taking on his responsibility, you’re sorting out his family, taking on his guilt.

Be very clear that this pattern of behaviour will continue until you change your part in it. As MGR says, protect yourself financially and take it seriously, operate on the assumption that he will use his cash for gambling. You can’t stop him gambling but you can stop paying for it. Bear in mind that mature adults are able to look after themselves and pay their way, you may be willing to feed and clothe a young child and run after him but it’s dysfunctional to do this for an adult life partner. Learn how to protect yourself emotionally. Go to regular GamAnon and CoDA meetings.

Move your focus over to you. Learn to know yourself, who you are, what your values are, what you want in life. Then you can decide how far he does or doesn’t fit in and the so called heart-head dilemma evaporates.

CW

Update - He has joined Gamecare himself, he has sef excluded himself from betting shops for 5 years, he has given me his bank card and his wages are paid into my account, he is receiving counseling , so he has made a start, i guess all i can do is hope this works and stand by him for now. he know this is last chance, thank you all for your responses and advice. x

What have you done to get support for you? While you wait for him to get better you are still repeating the same behaviour or reaction. It's good for you both to get help.

Merry Go round - He spoke to game care who are arranging his counselling, he asked if there was couples counselling and was told there wasnt, not sure where we go from here, unless we go to relate? he is also going to the doctors this week to ask for further counselling for his past. what is avalable for me? The think ive done to protect me is have control of the money, he has no access to any, i have control to his bank so would know if he has gone behind my back trying to get money out. Im not sure what is out there for me, guess i have just been concentrating on him!

Go to regular GamAnon and CoDA meetings and also ask for the twelve counselling sessions available from GamCare. Do it for you, regardless of what he does or doesn’t do for him. IME, couples counselling is of zero use where one of the couple is a practicing addict, the single exception being where the counsellor is also a former addict and wise to the inevitable manipulation.

It sounds like you’re enmeshed, with little idea of what’s you and what’s him. The “we” has taken over from the “I”. Do you actually know who you are, what you stand for, what you want in life, what your dreams are, what your values are? Or have you adopted his or tried to make his yours or vice versa? Healthy is two whole people with some common interests and goals choosing to share their lives in parallel. One person trying in vain to absorb or take over another in a futile bid to make him/herself whole is dysfunctional. Therefore as a starting point, there has to to be an “I”, you need to know yourself and your own value.

Don’t wait for him to change so that you can live happily ever after. It won’t happen.

CW

The way I stopped is by getting my wages paid into a coventry building society bank account which means you can only withdraw money from the cash point and not able to enter to bank details in to online gaming websites, it's the best thing I have ever done, I hope this helps because it changed my life

Cynical Wife - I can assure you i am a strong and very much independant person, this is all new to me so i dont know whats on offer for me and where to turn to, hence why i came on here , I am mearly pointing out what he hs done to try and help himself, i know there is a long way to go, but the fact that he is trying all these things and allowing me control of all his money is a start. I will look into GamAnon and CoDA meetings and will alsoabout the twelve counselling sessions available from GamCare. I know what i want and my self worth.

Hi Toothill123 He doesnt use online accounts, just goes into bookies and use the machines, so him havin access to any money at the moment is a no no, his salary gets paid into my account , so i know he cant gamble at all. Im glad your life has changed, i really hope it remians that way, best of luck 🙂

Be aware that you can’t stop him gambling if he so chooses. Blocks and barriers and limits to financial access slow down gambling but it’s dangerous to rely on them, assuming that it can’t happen. It can, determined gamblers are creative.

Your life doesn’t depend on about what he’s doing, it’s about what you’re doing to help yourself.

CW