Hi Everyone, so back in October 2 weeks after giving birth to our first child, my husband game home from work at lunch in tears, he admitted to me that he had been gambling and that he had lost all his money, and that he was also in £3000 of debt through overdraft and a credit card. At that moment in time I was still all over the place through just giving birth, I forgave him, asked him to get help, and I took control of his bank account. He couldn’t do anything without me knowing about it and I checked his account twice a day. He told me that someone had put him in contact with a friend who was a recovering gambler and he was acting as a sponsor to help him through. Anyway things were good and money was finally going well, I think I knew deep down that something wasn’t right as out of the two of us he earns the most money yet he was always broke and I could never figure out where his money was going, and whenever I asked id get the ‘don’t you trust me response’ so I would shut up. Anyway after Christmas he asked for control of his bank account back, and because I wanted to trust him and because I could see he wasn’t gambling and hadn’t since October I agreed. Anyway two days ago I checked his account and guess what he’s been gambling but this time it’s worse he taken out loans, we are now another £5000, in dept! Well this time because I had a level head, I felt every emotion possible mostly anger, at his betrayal and lies. He tried to justify it by saying he gave me the food money every month so he knows there will be food in the table and his son will get his formula for the month. Anyway after I outlined that that was an excuse and it wasn’t good enough and outlining everything he had to lose, he agreed to get help and has also given the control of his bank account back to me. Am I being an idiot? I don’t know how to trust him again or forgive him. He has signed up to a gamblers support group so I know he is trying. And he has a doctors appt booked for 18th April to seek professional help. Has anyone any advise for me??
many thanks
gemma
thendor
Hi Gemma. Sorry to hear you are living with a gambler. We are gripped by this illness, and literally can't help ourselves at times. We have a phenomenal talent at finding ways of gambling, despite measures being in place to prevent it.
You need to be very firm with him. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you don't want to be married to a gambler for the sake of your own and child's future. He needs to believe it. You then need to stick by him and help him take every step necessary to avoid falling back into old ways. I Personally believe gamblers don't recover, but they can remain dormant for the rest of their lives if they and others manage it correctly. You need to draw a line over the consequences of his gambling, the same line you draw when it comes to having an affair, it simply can't happen again. Sit with him and make a list of all online gambling sites and self exclude. Then do the same with all bookmakers he could possibly go to. This might sound excessive, but remember what I said at the start, we have a phenomenal talent at finding a way to bet/gamble. You also need to speak with him at length to find out what other ways he gambles. At the end of that chat, make sure he self excludes from those too. Then take control of the finances again for life. This is a life long commitment on his behalf and also yours.
I wish you luck.
Hi Gemma getting support for yourself is really important. Call gamcare and just talk to someone. A compulsive gambler will always be a compulsive gambler. That doesn't mean they can't stop gambling it means they can't stop when they start. One bet away from disaster. To control finances you need to have money in your account, they can get salary paid to you either direct or standing order straight to you. Credit reports (Experian, noddle etc) show you debt and if credit is applied for. No cards, no access, no knowledge of passwords. Cash and receipts with change to the penny. That is control. A compulsive gambler is also a compulsive liar. They will promise you the earth, lie to your face, call the bank in front of you...... GA is a way for a gambler to actively seek help. They can call gamcare and get counselling, so can you. Look after you, your finances and your baby.
I’m in an identical situation. I found out a few weeks after giving birth that my husband had gambled again! It’s hard with a baby, as you are getting used to a massive life change at the same time. I would definitely get some support for yourself, and I would also make sure that you know the full extent of his problem. I’ve also started my own savings for myself and LO that my husband has no idea about. I don’t see why LO should suffer because of my husband’s actions. I’m pretty determined now- but I was a mess when I first found out.
I hope that things improve for you soon. Until then, definitely seek some support, even if it’s to just get things straight in your own mind. Good luck!
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
