Feel lost and helpless

Your post has really affected me. Very very similar to my situation initially. I know how you must feel as a woman with financial security. You almost feel like you can and should support him no matter what? But also terrified and wondering what you got yourself into. I know how it feels to suddenly have all your plans for a secure and happy future with a family overlaid with fear and uncertainty.

I'd recommend reading through all the stories on this forum and gaining from the collective experience. Then you will have a better awareness of what life with a gambler is like (even a recovered gambler). You can't ignore it and hope it goes away even if times are good and he seems ok.

You're going to have to make a tough call. Either way it's going to be hard. If you love him enough and feel like he is strong minded and self-aware enough to realise there is something in his thought patterns and behaviour that leaves him unable to control his addiction. You will have to support him 100% through his recovery. Ask yourself if he could ever admit he has a problem and engage in the hard work necessary to recover (it could take months or years to get to a place where he can control his compulsiveness). Can you live with the knowledge that he is willing to steal from you?

Unfortunately it sounds like he knows he's not ready to face his demons. His addiction has left him unable to love and value himself, let alone you. Him ending the relationship may actually be the kindest thing he can offer currently. I'm really sorry as it must be heartbreaking. I hope you have friends and family you can talk to as you will need support. Stay strong and take care of yourself. It's time to put yourself, your security and your sanity first. Only a gambler can help themselves, staying with him may not necessarily help him or you if he doesn't yet realise he has a problem.

It does sound like he may need professional help if he is really behaving out of the ordinary? Are you concerned about depression or mania? Gambling addiction is a mental illness just like all addictions. I must reiterate that you cannot help him, you can only facilitate him helping himself. Please speak to your loved ones if you can as this situation sounds too tough to handle alone.

Hi MC, welcome to the forum 🙂

I'm sorry but it's time to get tough with him & start protecting yourself! Your husband is deceitful & has manipulated you into loving & providing for him...Us compulsive gamblers can be like that I'm afraid 🙁 This may 'not be him' but @ the moment his love of gambling comes before anything else! Yes, he is deluded & yes, there is a high possibility that you will feel like your heart is breaking into a million pieces but if you don't sever financial ties with him you will be working your socks off (in a highly valued profession, thank-you) to pay for him to do whatever he wants & maybe throw you a bone occasionally when you give him a handout so he doesn't have to steal it from you!

You are going to need help: from here, friends & family, maybe even a Gamanon group, try a phonecall to Gamcare but whatever you do, do not allow him to treat you like this! It may only be money to the outside world but when a partner steals money from someone they are supposed to be protecting, they steal more than money! He will be remorseful when challenged, sad when he loses, angry maybe, he may even be able to hide his emotions but for him to stand & face you & say he chooses gambling over you means he is a very long way from rock bottom. All the time he has access to your money his delusions of making a living this way are alive! Get help (for you), cut off his meal ticket & try to look after yourself...Your job is demanding enough without the extra pressures of him causing you pain!

You will find a way through this - ODAAT

Thank you for the comments!

I called off sick and came home just to face the same truth. I thought he would somehow change his mind. Basically what he says (im not familiar with this gambling business at all but) he was playing against casino which was not his aim, his aim is to play in the tournaments which he says You get to play without cash. I said it sounds all the same to me, at the end its all gambling. He admitted he feels awful and really guilty, but he reiterates the fact that he is being genuine to me explaining whsts going on in his mind. After reading many posts here i explained him what ppl are going through is similar to his, i guess he admitted he is CG, as he plays more after he looses & compulsive behaviour & well he wants to break up for poker. But he still says he loves me and he wants to live eith me but also he wsnts to attend a poker tournament in 4 weeks time. Hahaha seriously!!! i guess im loosing my mind!!! He thinks its better to play in the tournament as many years ago he ranked 3rd in Cyprus & earned lots of money. And another time while going to a tournament in Vienna he lost all his money on the way in a casino in Hungary. Oh my God, what im into! He says he will try and go to poker tournaments, if he wins he will donate that money snd uf he looses he will try fee times and eventually will give up. He feels he didnt do what he always wanted which is going to poker tournaments instead he wasted his time playing in the casinos against the casino with cash.

I told him even its tournament its gambling, whatever it is either poker or whatever. I said if he prefers to do that in life instead of being family i dont want to carry on like this. I told him im happy eith my life like this, he knows my aims in life and sll i want is s secure and peaceful family life - i dont even ask for being happy because happiness pass, life is full of contradictions. As you said exactly i feel like this "suddenly have all your plans for a secure and happy future with a family overlaid with fear and uncertainty." I dont think he has mental illness, but he has deep down issues related to his childhood, divorced parents and crazy mom haha

I told him he needs to make his mind, if he wants to be with me i dont want any type of gambling, if he wants to leave i showed him the door. He says he will someday play again, also he wants to play anyway. He wants to see a couple therapist to talk about our problems, which i agreed. I asked him to pay me back all the money he lost in gambling.

i dont know what to do at this point, ill wait and see i guess. Does not seem like he will leave soon, as (1) he has no money (2) i dont think he knows what he is doing.

Ive gone through many posts here, may God help us all in this battle. I called the GC advisor who was really helpful i was in tears. He said carry on in life, i think ill try to do this. Ill secure my finances, continue my life and i dont think i want to live such a life. Within 3 years we had 5 instances, cannot imagine living a life like this - being always insecure, not trusting to my husband ever again. This is against my philosophy in life. Thank you ever so much. Let me know if you know snything about this tournaments, is it he is again deceiving himself???

I told also my mom and his brother. My mom is so supportive, she said let him go if thats what he wants, she just learned how to use whatsapp and now sending me lots of messages with heart and kiss emojis. It must be difficukt for a mom to see her daughter going through this in marriage. His brother was shocked because he was just with us for few weeks and he didnt mention anything. Didnt show any suspicious behaviour.

Gambling is gambling, the house always wins...If he was so good @ it, why did he give it all up! The 5 instances in 3 years are the big blow outs that you know about, I don't believe these will be isolated incidents. I really shouldn't be ranting @ you, I know nothing about your relationship but I have no reason to doubt your honesty, I doubt his. If he really wanted to play 'free' tournaments why has he surrendered all your money to the casino? He is just making excuses for his actions, of course he wants to stay with you & live off of your earnings, couples therapy sounds like another such excuse, he will be more than happy to point the finger @ you for any relationship problems! Be interesting to see where that goes & if this is just him passing the buck. You should be happy, life is full of contradictions & happiness does come & go but when it passes & sadness appears, we have to know that happiness will be following close behind!

I hope one of the other partners will be along soon with some better advice but please, whatever you do, do it for you! If he wants your love & support, he has to show he is worthy of it!

We are very adept @ concealing our failings, it's part of the addiction! So very pleased to see you are not doing this alone...Your mum sounds like a rock 🙂 It's hard for me to 'see' you hurting like this so yeah, it will be very hard for her but looks like she is not afraid to support you, even if that may mean saying stuff you don't know if you want to hear! Go Mum 🙂

Hi MC

I am a recovering CG.

As others have already said, he will gamble if he wants to. Apparently he wants to gamble, and he sees nothing wrong in doing so. Until he can accept that he has a problem AND that he wants to do something about it, you are very limited in your choices.

I doubt very much that he is being truthful regarding how much money he has lost. Most, if not all CG's lie. Protect yourself from any financial exposure to him. He has the potential to drain your bank accounts very quickly, as others have found to their regret.

Life with a CG is not very pretty. At the moment he appears to be using you for an access to his gambling money. Ask yourself if you want to be living in this situation in 2,3 or 10 years time? It will only get worse if he continues to gamble. You have read other posts on the forum, so you are aware of what can happen.

I tend to concur with ODAAT regarding the counsellor. The counsellor that HE should be seeing is for his gambling problem.

Take care

Hi MC

Im the Mum to a son who is a compulsive gambler.

All cg's get worse over time, my son started with scratch cards, the odd slot machine and now he is completely out of control, he bets on practically anything but his favourite are the casinos. He changed from a sweet young man into someone unrecognisable now, hes anything but sweet hes awful. When his money ran out he started to steal, twice from us and many many times from his girlfriend. We told him that if he ever did it again we would report him to the police and Im sure he knows thats true. However his girlfriend has never done anything about it says she wants to support him,shes actually making things far worse for putting up with it and he will just continue to steal her money. Im sorry but if your husband is taking/stealing your money he will continue to do so if given the chance.

A compulsive gambler will blame us (loved ones) for anything wrong in their life, wether thats a bet theyve lost or tell you that we're not supportive enough. Its all a load of lies and manipulation, please dont under estimate just how manipultive they can be.

As for only playing in tournaments what a load of rubbish, hes trying to justify his gambling, and Im afraid while hes behaving like this his gambling is always going to come first.

Im not suprised his brother doesnt know, gamblers thrive in secrecy, its the secrecy that helps them continue, most gamblers will seem to live a perfectly normal life to people on the outside, they hide it very well.

Protect yourself financially, make sure theres no chance at all he can get any money, theres no such thing as being to cautious where this is concerned. Dont ever give him money no matter what he tells you its for, it will all be used for gambling.

Ive wondered for a long time how could this happen to us, my son comes from a loving home and has been treat no different to his sibling so how on earth could this of happened. We try to understand why this would happen but the truth is there isnt an answer, cg's come from all walks of life and there could be a thousand differernt reason as to why they became addcited.

It took me a very long time to realise it but when it comes to living with a compulsive gambler we have to put ourselves first because unfortuntely we are not their priority, gambling comes first for them.

Its good you have support from your Mum, keep talking to her and us .

Take care

Take care my dear. Your description of his behaviour has all my alarm bells ringing. He is no way near ready to really go through the difficult process of recovering. And the only gambler that is not hell to live with (no matter how much you love each other) is a recovering gambler. Make no mistake, he will be a gambler for life, but it is possible after intensive inner work and physical barriers for him to resist his urges.

By suggesting couples therapy he is shifting the blame on to you. Do not let him do this. Do not put yourself through this pain. Either he admits he has a problem or you may have to physically remove yourself from the threat his addiction poses to your life.

I decided to stay with my partner only because he satisfied a few essential criteria. He admitted he had a problem, he acknowledged he could not control it. He wanted to stop and never gamble again. He won't even enter an innocent competition as he is avoiding "getting something for nothing." He attends GA meetings several times a week, most days he reads and meditates (a new thing). This I would accept as the bare minimum needed to fight a powerful addiction. He's doing it off his own back and I don't have to nag. I still feel anxious and scared of the future but his effort and the love outweighs this for now. If your partner can't grant you the same care and demonstrate he has what it takes to stop (for himself and you) then I would be very wary.

You will know the situation better than anybody. Heed advice from ladies who have been married to gamblers and had children with them. Take some time and really think about what you want. I'm glad your mum is on side, keep talking and take care. Xx

It sounds a little like we are all bashing him. I'm sorry for that. I'm sure he is a great guy still but the problem with addiction is that it can totally control somebody's behaviour and thoughts and lead them to do awfil things to themselves and each other. There's no guarentees if / when he will recover and the damage that will be done until that point.

Thank you all... You are all amazing! Beatiful souls <3 Thank you for being with me in this difficult time.

Some update about the situation. Since i said he can go anytime he wants, he backed off. I was even behaving as if he does not live with me anymore, not saying love words i used to call him. He started to say whats going on with you, why you behave like everything has changed. Well i said everything has changed because you want to live a different life that you can play poker and live as you wish. Basically he went on again about the tournaments but on the other hand he says he does not want more than what we already have. He says he wants to play in the tournaments, but admits that what he does (going to casino and playing against house) is a problem. He said he wants to sort that out. Well at least some insight. He still thinks playing in tournaments is a fair game. Which i dont think is the issue. I shared with him few stories from the forum that i thought similar to his problem, he said i dont have anything else to say if you think my situation is similar to this.

Today i changed all my bank cards passwords. I feel a bit more safe. Because since last year when he showed promise he had my debit card as he is generally the one cooking, doing all house work. i barely come home, working really long hours and shifts. But i always checked the account, and asked him if there is a strange transaction. He is genuinely a nice guy but as you said @As67 this gambling makes people horrible, its like demons take control over their hearts and souls.

@ODAAT thank you for your messages last night, you really gave me strength. I was actually able to say few things about his excuses, and stay strong in front of him. In terms of being happy etc, i didnt mean i dont want to be happy ofcourse i want to be happy but for me is not the short term goal, but i always aim to be good, and feeling good comes with it. I guess i might have got this understanding from Aristotle, For Aristotle happiness is a final end or goal that encompasses the totality of one’s life. It is not something that can be gained or lost in a few hours, like pleasurable sensations. It is more like the ultimate value of your life as lived up to this moment, measuring how well you have lived up to your full potential as a human being. For this reason, one cannot really make any pronouncements about whether one has lived a happy life until it is over, just as we would not say of a football game that it was a “great game” at halftime. As Aristotle says, “for as it is not one swallow or one fine day that makes a spring, so it is not one day or a short time that makes a man blessed and happy.” Well ..

@Skhan funny enough ive been always telling my husband to do meditation, because he is a person who thinks alot, who plans alot, but no action whatsoever. So before this big blow out we were discussing how he could fight his anxiety, and concentrate on his life. And i suggested him to do meditation, as it really helped my life. Once you silence the mind, everything is more clear. He wanted to do guided meditation, and generally few things they ask where you see yourself in 5 years time type of questions, what do you want to do in life etc. And his answer was POKER. Seriously crazy!

@ODAAT @wal1957 as you said i digged some info from him apparently he had another big blow out where he lost about 8k just before our wedding. he says he won that amount from something small. at that time we didnt have much money, my parents helped us out really & his family put lots of money as well. the more i learn i am becoming more angry at him. Especially the fact that he lied to me in each and every instance.

This afternoon i sent him a long email saying what actually ODAAT said earlier. I told him when you steal money from me, you are also stealing my love, respect and trust. This is causing so much damage, to our family and to me personally and to him as a person. I told him im happy with my life, he knows what i want in life so i again told him he is free to go and do whatever he likes. I said i would love to have a peaceful, loving relationship which i dont have any trust problems with. told him for me a millionaire is someone who changes the lives of million people, thats whats my aim in life, and in order to do this you dont need money or a thing that gives you hell lot of adrenaline.

I am thinking of giving him a bit ultimatum, if you want to stay with me you need to get help, attend meetings etc. Do you think that would work? i dont think he would do that himself at this point. But on the other hand his strong words about leaving, and not being happy in this marriage seems to have eased off now. Not sure whether that was a big threat. Did he expect me to say please stay and do whatever you like &here is my credit card?

My mom said just carry on your life, so went to work, gone for shopping then came and cooked. And while im writing on the forum he is asking what im doing hehe

Love you all <3

Skhan wrote: Take care my dear. Your description of his behaviour has all my alarm bells ringing. He is no way near ready to really go through the difficult process of recovering. And the only gambler that is not hell to live with (no matter how much you love each other) is a recovering gambler. Make no mistake, he will be a gambler for life, but it is possible after intensive inner work and physical barriers for him to resist his urges. By suggesting couples therapy he is shifting the blame on to you. Do not let him do this. Do not put yourself through this pain. Either he admits he has a problem or you may have to physically remove yourself from the threat his addiction poses to your life. I decided to stay with my partner only because he satisfied a few essential criteria. He admitted he had a problem, he acknowledged he could not control it. He wanted to stop and never gamble again. He won't even enter an innocent competition as he is avoiding "getting something for nothing." He attends GA meetings several times a week, most days he reads and meditates (a new thing). This I would accept as the bare minimum needed to fight a powerful addiction. He's doing it off his own back and I don't have to nag. I still feel anxious and scared of the future but his effort and the love outweighs this for now. If your partner can't grant you the same care and demonstrate he has what it takes to stop (for himself and you) then I would be very wary. You will know the situation better than anybody. Heed advice from ladies who have been married to gamblers and had children with them. Take some time and really think about what you want. I'm glad your mum is on side, keep talking and take care. Xx

This is really helpful thank you so much! I will take my time before making any big decisions. Thank you <3

I guess our kitten also felt my pain she is sleeping now next to me instead of her place. I'm praying for all of us here. These games, gambling is all the creation of this world, trying to make people addicted like this so somehow the money could turn, all this world tells us to have more money, consume consume. It's so sad to see people having difficulties in life because of gambling whereas there are wars happening in the world, lots of people are facing death each day and all our husbands/bf/gf think of is gambling. My mind cannot understand this. Such a desperate situation.

Hi, MC,

My husband is a CG, presently in recovery, I'm one of the wives SKhan mentioned. The stories differ a bit but the gambling behaviour remains the same.

We're long term married, kids growing up...the elder ones have grown up with an addict for a father, they knew something was wrong but not what. And one of the things that I really worry about is the example that we have set them of what marriage should be.

My husband hid the addiction for years. I didn't know he was gambling; I did know that he was remote, unreasonable, moody, unsociable, often downright nasty. I mistakenly thought that it was the ups and downs of marriage but it wasn't. It was fair enough for me to expect his love and attention but I didn't get them, all he wanted was to be left alone in front of the computer.

The gambling first came to light three years ago; I opened a bank statement and got a shock. He responded with denials of a problem - he was merely investing, not gambling. He blamed me - he had to invest because I wouldn't go back to work soon enough after the last baby. He told me that his bank statements and the children's bank statements were none of my business and that he wanted to leave because my invasion of his privacy was so terrible. And I let him convince me! Had I been better informed, I might have recognised it for the manipulation that it was.

His financial secrecy in fact covered up his continued gambling and it came to light again. He had drained the children's savings and when my eldest came of age, the bank statements told the story. So with the children's support, I gave him an ultimatum which I would have carried through. He caved in and this time, it is all very different. We have as full and as high barriers as possible, I have financial control, he cooperates, he goes to bi-weekly GA meetings. Recovery is essential to him staying with the family but the spectre of relapse is always there, we have the barriers but only he controls whether he gambles again.

I don't recommend my experience, I have wasted the best years of my life trying to appease an addict, having being lied to, etc. The betrayal is huge. An active CG in denial can't be a good spouse, the two concepts don't go together.

Put yourself first at all times, be as fully informed as possible so that you can recognise when you are being misled or manipulated, get help and support for yourself. Then you will be in a position to make the decisions.

Take care,

CW