Feel numb

Hi Amom

Thanks for asking 🙂

Its finally started to calm down and there hasnt been any more dramas so Im grateful for the peace. We still have'nt heard anything more about the money he stole, Im not that suprised hes had quite an elaborate system of moving money around and most of his bets were small so theres a lot to trace.

My son hasnt gambled for over 3 weeks now which for him is a long time, and is waiting for an appointment for counselling and theres definetly a change for the better in his behaviour. However he seems to think that just because he says he's done with gambling that we should just believe everything he says and more or less just forget all the damage hes done. We're not constantly on at him but it does feel like hes expecting us to just forget it all.

He says he wants to make amends but so far I cant say Ive seen any evidence of it, hes apologised to his girlfriend many many times and keeps saying he wants to make it up to her, but shes told him she doesnt want to know, but us not so much as a "sorry". I dont know if he thinks he shouldnt have to or that he doesnt want to but it bothers me that so far he hasnt.

My gut feeling tells me he still isnt quite "getting it", yes reality is starting to kick in but, theres some things he says and things hes not doing that tell me hes not quite where he should be, if that makes any sense. He is doing everything we ask and maybe its just that Im so used to expecting the worst of him thats making me feel like this, but I guess only time will tell.

X

I'm glad things have settled down somewhat.

The one thing I have learned on this longggggg journey is nothing ever wraps up into nice neat packages. My son is 27. He started compulsive gambling around 18 years old. In the last 9 years we have had 1 year of abstinence, stealing from my husbands business, 3 different therapists, suicide attempts, needing us, hating us, broken promises and the list goes on. He has been in GA for 2 1/2 years but that hasn't been clear sailing as he has relapsed a few times. Something finally "clicked" in January of this year and he is getting close to his one year mark. He has changed... I can feel it and see it.He is managing his life. He finally seems to have grown into a young man and is no longer the fragile boy who was terrified of life. What I'm trying to say is have faith and hope. The path isn't always as straight forward as we would like but recovery can happen even when things look bleak.

Just keep doing what works best for you. Try not to worry what is going on in his head. From my experience it takes quite a while being gamble free to not seem to have that "gambling fog". As far as his GF is concerned he needs to make amends to her if he wants her back. You guys are his parents and his subconcious assumption is that you will always be there.

Hi

Thank you Amom 🙂

For years Ive just thought he needs to stop gambling and some how everything would just be normal again, never gave any thought to what it would actually be like. Maybe I thought we'd automatically go back to the family we used to be, like everything would simply be fixed, in reality it feels more like a state of limbo.

Theres definetly a change for the better in his behaviour but its obvious its going to take a lot longer than I thought for him to get to where he wants and needs to be. He still is a fragile young boy and not the big strong man he physically looks like, but I think counselling will help him with that, he has a lot of growing up to do.

I never thought that he'd see us any different to his girlfriend, we've been hurt just as much as her so what difference does that make but you're right we're mum and dad so it is different. It doesnt matter how many times we've thrown him out or argued he just thinks we'll always be there for him, thats what parents do. However it has been made very clear that even us parents can be pushed too far and I think he understands that.

I wont let myself worry whats going through his head, its enough to drive me mad and doesnt solve anything so I do my best not to. He knows what our boundaries are and as long as he sticks to them we leave pretty much leave him alone and we get on with our lives.

X

Hi Phoenix

Sadly things will never go back to being the same. You will always analyse what he says and does, and worry when you see you have missed a call from him. When I think back to the things my son done to hurt friends and family I remind myself how much more he hurt himself. Saying sorry to you will come eventually but that means he will have to fac up to what he has done and forgiving himself will take a lot longer.

I was happy to hear things were heading in the right direction.

Hi

Thank you Bee Jay

Im beginning to realise that things wont ever be the same again, which does make me feel sad, for some reason I just thought it could all be fixed and we'd go back to normal, but thats not going to happen.

I dont know if my son is gambling or not, he says he isnt but some of his behaviours seem all too familar to me, maybe Im doing him an injustice but my gut tells me something isnt right. We've given him back control of his money, he created such an argument one day when asked about something that we gave in said we dont want to know any more, in hindsight he knew exactly what he was doing. He still hasnt gone to counselling, constantly making excuses but its because he doesnt want to go, I dont think he ever had any intention of going. We still havent heard anything from the police about him stealing, no idea how long these things take but I have a feeling that we'll be the last people to know anyway, we usually are.

We share the same home, but rarely speak, hes as remote and with drawn as ever, apart from the odd word in passing thats as far as we go in talking to each other. Im not angry with him, but I dont want to sit and down and do small talk either, sort of feels like Ive got nothing left to say.

No idea where we go from here,I dont think we're any further forward, but I am grateful for the peace and quiet so maybe thats the best we can hope for now.

Keep strong all us mums are here for you and know the pain only to well.