I posted on here before when I found out my partner of 5 years had gambled away around £15,000 behind my back. We talked it through, made sure all the borrowing was with mainstream banks and moved on.
Almost 12 months later and I'm back. He carried on gambling and now owes over £30,000. We have a mortgage together and have now been together almost 6 years. His parents found out and helped relieve some of the financial pressure (he still owes it but to them rather than the bank). Despite me and his family being aware, he calls me today to say he is STILL gambling. He tells me that addiction is an illness and he's ready to get professional help for the first time. I put on a brave face, say I'll accompany him to the doctors and we'll battle through, again.
But inside, I'm going completely out of my mind. My stomach is constantly in knots because I feel sick. I'm scared his family will think I cannot look after him and despite my understanding that addiction is an illness, I am SO SO angry. Everything I want to do with my life is on hold, and will be for atleast another 5 years while he repays the debt. Marriage, children, moving house, all the things I thought I'd be doing by the I'm 30. I do love him but I feel like it's on a different way. How can I walk away and leave somebody who is suffering with their past actions. But at the same time how do I keep living like this.
Does anybody else feel the same? What would you do? 🙁
Hi sunshine I went back to your original post to see the advice given and your story. Did you get any help with you and how you are living/dealing with this? Unfortunately parents mean well but helping a cg with a 'loan' only gives them more 'credit' and freedom to continue. Nothing changes if nothing changes. If you don't seek help for yourself you continue the cycle, never learn to live a normal life. You will constantly be angry, harbouring resentment. How is he seeking professional help? Why do you have to escort him? This is his problem, his debt, his mess. He needs to face the consequences. GA is the best place, gamanon for you if you choose. I go to meetings, he goes to his. Don't help a gambler but support him in his recovery. Get help for you to deal with your guilt and to help you understand. Your life is only on hold if you put it on hold. Recovery is easier together.
Hi sunshine, I'm going through the same thing with my partner of 4 yrs, although the debt isn't on the same scale. I found out last night that he gambled away our rent money, we don't get paid for another 3 weeks and the rent is due in less than 2, this is not the first time this has happened. I've found myself lying to my family so that they won't think bad of him for doing it and of me for staying with him. I'm worried that if I leave him he won't get the help he needs and will end up as another statistic. He isn't ready to admit he has a problem. I hope things turn around for you x
I feel the same! My partner doesn't owe anywhere near as much as yours, but if I'm feeling how I'm feeling over my partner's debt I can't even imagine how you are feeling right now! I feel our lives are on hold too. We can't even get a mortgage currently because of all the debt in his name from gambling, we're currently renting. But I can understand with feeling your life is on hold. I am currently 26 and my partner is 27. We too had visions of marriage and a family by the time we're 30, but that just isn't going to happen. I feel, will it ever happen? I've considered leaving a few times also but then your partner is right - it is in illness and my boyfriend really, really struggles with his demons. I'm trying to be strong and stay on his side and help him recover.
Hi sunshine,
Feeling the same. I've only just found out that my partner gambled away 30k inheritance money 15k of which he owed his parents. I hate myself for it but I'm so ashamed of him, I never ever imagined he'd be capable of this. It's going to have changed our whole lives, when he didn't even need to gamble in the first place!
I know what you mean about how it changes how you see him. I've been wondering if I'll ever get over this and also what would happen if I left. I do love him, but I'm not his mother and feel like he should be convincing me that he can get better, not the other way round. Also wondering how bad it would make things if I left him. How much worse it could get. Depression etc. It's all just thoughts in my head at the moment as I try to make sense of what's actually happened to us. Like worriedandwornout I can't brimg myself to tell family 🙁
I know hes feeling awful about themselves, but I also know I'm being unfairly punished because of the gambling too.
Any update on your situation?
Hi, I know what you mean about being punished when you are not the one that is gambling...we are in this with them. It’s a rollercoaster you want to get off but you cant. And you love or did love them - (im not so sure anymore) but how can you leave them when they need you the most?!
Always remember this
you didn’t Cause it, You can’t Control it and You can’t Cure it.
I’m new to this forum and my husband makes me feel some days that I’m going insane. And I wonder sometimes about leaving because I want a normal life again with a partner who has no issues and no anger. Who is calm and not irritable or spiteful and hurtful.
I worry about my young son and I feel the pressure that I have to make the right decision but right now I’m not sure whether I should stay or go. I can’t see things changing even though my husband has been going to GA for 1 month and has been gamble free for the last 2. I can’t put up with the mood swings, and self loathing anymore. I think he also has depression, anxiety and obsessive compulsive issues. I’m tired of seeing and hearing him depressed and I’m losing my patience and feeling guilty.
K2 wrote:
Always remember this
you didn’t Cause it, You can’t Control it and You can’t Cure it.
That’s very true K2 - sometimes he makes me feel like I caused it. Because he was having a breakdown, so he says. He had nothing going in his life, he needed an outlet. As if it was my fault I wasn’t available to talk to anymore apparently. He makes me feel miserable sometimes. I feel guilty like if we have an argument he might go off and start gambling and then I walk on eggshells.
Hello, Tiggy,
You might like to create your own thread, if you click on Family & Friends and then New Topic.
He gambles because he is a gambling addict and not because of anything that you say or do. You didn’t Cause it. Notions of staying because you can’t leave when he needs you the most are nonsensical. That implies that your presence, your love will keep him clean, that you have some omnipotent power to determine his outcome. But he’s not clean and he’s behaving badly, regardless of what you say or do. Look at what’s happening now, you can’t Control or Cure him.
The reality is that he places the bets and only he can commit to doing what it takes to stop. He’s an adult, mature adults can look after themselves and don’t need Mother to clear up their mess.
Focus on you and focus on why the deficiency in him attracts you. Why do you want to sacrifice yourself (in vain) to fix him? Would any other future parter really be different (healthy), or would you just seek out the same again?
Best advice is to start regular GamAnon and CoDA/AlAnon meetings to learn how to look after yourself. You need to be whole first.
CW
Merry go round wrote:
Hi sunshine I went back to your original post to see the advice given and your story. Did you get any help with you and how you are living/dealing with this? Unfortunately parents mean well but helping a cg with a 'loan' only gives them more 'credit' and freedom to continue. Nothing changes if nothing changes. If you don't seek help for yourself you continue the cycle, never learn to live a normal life. You will constantly be angry, harbouring resentment. How is he seeking professional help? Why do you have to escort him? This is his problem, his debt, his mess. He needs to face the consequences. GA is the best place, gamanon for you if you choose. I go to meetings, he goes to his. Don't help a gambler but support him in his recovery. Get help for you to deal with your guilt and to help you understand. Your life is only on hold if you put it on hold. Recovery is easier together.
Very helpful reply
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
