Feeling that it's hopeless

Hi, you have certainly moved quickly. Your story sounds similar to mine but I had 2 children. My husband did same and went to ga. He wanted to sell and pay debt but advice was not to. We survived and I took control of all the money. That was at least 10 or more years ago. He has had lapses but it has never affected my credit as mortgage and bills always paid. It's a tough journey but as I see it once they have debt paid off they go again. I wish I could say my husband has never done it again but he has. Maybe what you have done will make him realise what he's lost. No one can predict the future. You can take steps to safeguard yourself and be together if that's what you want. Give yourself time, you have made yourself safe which is a good thing.

Hi ☺

Thank you for replying to my post. It really does help to know that I am not the only one to find myself in this confusing situation.

Did you have any idea of the gambling before it all came out? Did you have any idea about the depression before he told you? Do struggle to understand how you didn't see it? Do you wonder how he would ever want to risk everything? What triggered it? Why why why?

Wonder how he could lie so much even when he had been found out? Did you keep discovering more and more even though you didn't think things couldn't get any worse.

The same as you I look at my husband now and don't see an ounce of the man I loved. I see an empty shell with dark hollow eyes. I wonder if I ever knew him and because I have discovered that he lies so well, was it all a lie? From the very beginning.

I cant talk to him without him getting frustrated. He suggests that the depression is what triggered the gambling, I wonder if he is depressed because of the mess that he has got himself in.

I am so glad that you have a great network of friends and family and would be interested to know who you have turned to for therapy as I think this would help me.

I wish I had the strength to decide what to do but each choice I have is not an easy one and I can't decide what to do for the best. It really is a battle of head and heart.

Sending you support and understanding x

Merry go round is exactly how I feel...

Thanks for replying time will tell

I knew he gambled but he always said it was a free £5 bet and deep down I knew it was more but I still thought it was within the limit of his earnings.

I noticed he was more and more withdrawn from family life and spoke to him about it but he refused to get help.

Now that I have had space from him, I can see things that have happened in his life that could have lead to depression but I'm not an expert so I will wait to see what a counsellor or therapist thinks.

I don't think ... why? any more or how could he because I've been looking at stories on here and speaking to a counsellor and it seems to be the nature of the illness. It's not the man it's he addiction. That may be why we can't find the men we married underneath because the addictive behaviour has taken too much of a hold of them.

And yes I did keep discovering lies and omissions that he still doesn't see as a problem which is VERY frustrating!!!!

From talking to my counsellor I've come to understand that there are personality traits and then behaviours and attitudes that the depression can cause. But the hard bit is knowing which is which.

I would definitely recommend counselling. I am lucky that where I work we have one in every week and he managed to squeeze me in during lunch immediately. The company is ann turnball but citizens advice, the dr or googling counsellors in your local area may help you to find one.

I completely understand and appreciate how hard each decision is. But I have come to my merry go round of:

I'm an idiot if I trust or stay with him at the moment the way he is behaving he will just continue to hurt me and eventually my daughter too so I won't be...

I cannot control his choices or make him get off his a*s and do the things he needs to in order to be able to begin to have a relationship again...

I hate this as I just want the man I married back again and love him so much!!!!

And so it continues round and round.

I have found that focussing on the things I can control in my life have helped such as work, my daughter and my friends and family. But it's still really hard. They cannot distract me all the time and I know I have to face my feelings.

I think the more you reach out talk to people the more you will understand your choices even though they are hard and what is best for you. No one can give you the answers and no one should judge you. What ever you decide to do make sure it's right for you.

Thank you for your support and understanding and I send it back to you.

Merry go round

Thanks for your advice. My husband didn't want to sell, I did. We were left with nothing for our kids (he has 2 from a previous relationship), family or future without selling and that was a reality that I wasn't willing to live with as our finances were so tied together. But thank you for the information that once it's paid off he's likely to do it again.

Not being able to predict the future is hard to live with for me and going forward with a relationship would be a huge leap of faith and I know in my heart that with his behaviour at the moment, I can't risk taking it.

He refuses to go to GA meetings, he has signed up to Gamcare but only went on here once as he thinks that he is in control just because he is not currently gambling, but like you say... what happens when the debt is gone. I don't know if I can live my life looking over his shoulder all the time. And he's not giving me anything to hold onto at the moment.

I really hope that his therapy helps. And then we may be able to make progress in counselling together because I just don't see a way forward at the moment and that is the most painful thing of all.

Thanks for listening and supporting me.

My husband used to go to meetings and make excuses not to go back. They all think "I'm not like them". But now, 20 years on he's finally saying this is time to stop. I think you've been amazingly brace and proactive. The most important thing is to keep your money safe and not to be drawn back in if he's not willing to seek help. I've had many dark days and been filled with despair at times but things can improve. As I said in time you will feel more in control, but do try and get support for yourself x