I've looked at this site on and off the last couple of years & posted a couple of replies but never started my own thread. I can't concentrate and am just crying my eyes out about the situation i'm in because of my selfish partner's actions and what makes it worse is his excuses; lack of genuine remorse (becuase he does it again & is nasty & verbally abusive to me) and victim & self pity attitudue. I can't seem to get through to him.
I just had to get things off my chest and hopefully get some helpful feedback as i'm just so angry and hurt . Have rung the helpline a couple of times but save for one time, i felt like they couldn't wait to get me off the phone/ uninterested (i don't think i went on that long - this post has taken a lot longer!).
The posts i've read on here are really insightful & non judgmental. I just feel completely stupid & an utter doormat and don't know why i can't just walk away & end it finally once & for all becuase i'm getting so little from this relationship. I just keep hoping he'll change. We've been together nearly 6 years and i found out about 3 years ago he had a gamlbing problem but even then i didn't realise how serious it was. I can't believe how naiive & gullible I was.
When we met he was a taxi driver, initially things were fine but i did have concerns about certain other things going on in his life (problems with an ex/contact issues); he always came to my house; never having much money (although he would still take me out); he'd changed his surname (he said because his ex was harassing him ). i blindly accepted his reasons as he appeared so genuine & plausible. I stupidly let him move in within 3 months of getting together but it was only supposed to be temporary as his landlord was selling the flat etc. & he was to contribute to bills. Now i know differently. Within a month or so of moving in the money stopped coming & i foolishly believed it was because business was bad; could only just about cover his settle etc. I know i'm a complete fool should have just kicked him out but hindsight is a wonderful thing. I really cared about him & had begun to really love him (why you might ask!).
Gradually things got worse to the point where i was having to contribute to his settle - again i thought it was because business was so bad (he was so plausible). i took out a loan for him - he never repaid; he took my credit card & spent 2000 on it - i confronted him & he said he was desperate - an old loan from when he was with his ex was due; loan sharks were after him etc - i didn't report it & I just can't beleive how utterly stupid & forgiving i was. Gambling still didn't cross my head as i never knew the lies and deceit gamblers are capable of. I'm really not an idiot (at least in other aspects of my life - i've a really good job but i may as well be earning the minmum wage the money i've left after i get paid, . I found out by chance he was a gambler - i was suspicious (yes took me a long time to reach that point!) and found a text to his mother asking her for money & that if she bailed him out, he'd sit down with me & tell me everything so i could 'get him the help he needs' - note not him getting it- expecting me to. Anyway i confronted him but fast forward 3 years later to now and i am more bereft, devastated, hurt (and skint) than i could imagine. In that time he's been to some counselling on and off but having read other posters' stories (from CGs & their partners) it's clear he's done nowhere near enough & i really think in my heart he will never stop gambling. He's changed jobs as i isued an ultimatum but he then became a bus driver, initially fine as he didn't have access to the takings - he was still gambling but it wasn't affecting me as much. For the last 18months he has worked for a different company and has stolen several times to gamble - jsut used the takings & gone into a bookies and blown the lot on those awful machines.
I know i'm doing all the wrong things, i've bailed him out countless times so of course he never faces the consequences of his actions. I'm in so deep that i feel like I can't let him lose his job because then he will never have the chance to change things & sort his life out. If he has no job he has nothing & we definitely have no future & I know we have no future with things like this either - jsut a vicious circle.
I know i'm not responsible for him but i still hope he will change & so i bail him out again & of course he knows that. He's sorry briefly but then the cycle starts again , the nastiness, the aggression, blaming me for his gambling, says he's working 13 days before a day off & has nothing to show for it (the irony isn't lost).
Work have given him a final chance they know he's a gambler - the extent i'm not sure - they only gave him a chance because he paid back the money he owed i bailed him out to the tune of 800 (didn't have it withdrew on my credit card - i own thousands). They have said he must pay every penny in at the end of shift not be a penny short, must photocopy all receipts, go to counselling & they have access to the notes. Even that it seems wasn't enough - he gamlbed again on Friday night .I thought the final warning by work might really motivate him. Apparently not. I am so so angry & hurt by his selfish actions. Blames me of course because of a text i'd sent to him telling him i was really upset at his behaviour (he was being aggressive , ungrateful & name calling) & said if he couldnt' see that i didn't see how we had any chance of a future. That was the supposed trigger for his gamlbing. I know it's all excuses. The bookies he went into is supposedly the only one he's not self excluded from - on a route he does once a week rather than every day - so why hasn't he excluded? I even offered to drive out with him on a day off & go in with him so he could do it. It's almost as though he took pleasure in telling me.
I felt utterly sick & devastated when i'd learned what he'd done - this after having just bailed him out 800. So i'm another 190 poorer off. But it's not just the stress of being in debt it's the hurt and anger at his unbelievable , selfishness deceit & lies. Then the usual aggression followed by self pity, then sorry & now we're back to aggression again. Again, it's my fault because when i spoke to him today he again started being unpleasant & snappy (having just saved his job & devasted me, i expected more, yet this is how he behaves) & i asked him to stop - then am told i don't help things, have shown no understanding (his mother is unwell) & so it's natural for him to be like this. Told him no it's not - it's natural to be upset not to behave like he has.
Just going round in circles there's an excuse for everything. I've had to cope with the death of my father, my mum being seriously ill as well as all this s***t & i dont' behave like this!!! This is what gets me so mad! Then it's i always put my family and friends before him, never put him first (o*g i could scream at the injustice & selfishness - i've done more for him than anyone else -(not just financially either, supported him through all sorts) if my family or friends had done what he had i'd cut them out. What has he done for me? How can someone have this selfish mentality & not see things how they really are!!?? Does he honestly (no put intended) believe this?
So why i can't i just walk away from this? I ended it 5 months ago (because of his gambling primarily but also his long standing unwarranted, extreme jealousy) but we got back togehter 2.5 months later. I'd even changed my mobile number & it was a month before i gave him the new one after we got back. I changed it primarily because i was filled with dread every time i got a text - he'd be telling me he'd gambled again & idiot me would step in & save the day - i know viciious cycle i just can't seem to break. i really thought he'd changed but he hadn't of course ( dont' think he'd stopped at all, think he was getting money off his mother & now that pot has run dry that's when it all came to a head again). i've begged him to ring me if he's tempted to gamble - he never has. Alwasy contacted me after the event of course , expecting th bail out.
He promised me he'd changed - all empty promises of course. Now he's saying he's depressed and on the edge (but i've heard all that before - and why then won't he help himself). The rubbish he comes out with saying the only way he'll be accpeted by my family is if he wins the lottery (it's only my mum who knows about the gambling & only told her just before we split & she's been so supportive atlhough after this is utterly disgusted & upset & is urging me to leave). The sad reality is that if he faced up to his addiction & overcame it my family would see how happier I was & in turn be warmer towards him (although in truth they have always been so welcoming it's only because of how unhappy they've seen me [without actually know the exact cause other than it was him] they've cooled towards him .
I could scream at what he comes out with - if he'd not been gambling from the day i met him & instead led an honest life we could lead fantastic lives. Apparently it's all my fault, he says it got to this because early on in the relationship i said he'd need to sort out his financial position before i would consider marriage- how is that wrong? (by the way he hadn't proposed or anything, we were just discussing things) !? He was living with me rent free, paying for virtually nothing & so if marraige was what he desperately wanted, then surely any normal person would be determined to prove themselves to the person they claim to love & build a future with?
i've said a million times, if he sticks to his promise, never gambles again, eventually the financial matters will sort themselves out- & we can have a good future. I am so sick of hearing he's a victim & it makes me so angry especially when he then begrudges me having a meal out with friends which i pay for or even just goint round to a friend's house/see my family!!! You'd think after the debt he's put me in all the hurt and lies, any decent person would want their partner to have a little bit of enjoyment.
I haven't set out the full picture here as it'd take far too long & i've rambled on for ages anyway (i wasn't that long when i was on the gamcare line honestly!)
I am 95% certain he'll never change but there's still that small part of me that thinks he wants to and will becuase there is a part of me that still loves him. On the now rare occasions when things are good, that's i think what makes me hope things will change. But it shouldn't be bad 90% of the time. I know if i was reading this as if it was someone else's post, the advice i'd give so why i can't i do it? To make matters worse, i stupidly booked a holiday for September flights are paid the rest a month before we go - they way i feel even if we could find the rest ofthe money i dont' want to be anywhere near him after all he's done & the lies, hurt, broken promises & verbal abuse. i don't see a future with him when he's like this - even told him that but then the resopnse i get is oh well there's no point in trying. He's just so manipulative - i could see a future if i could see he was making serious effort to change his life; was telling me about the counselling, when he'd been, how it was helping; couldn't wait to tell me how reponsible he was being etc etc - that seems to be the case with CG's who really do want to change their life.
How can someone who claims to love you be like this??
ps just got another text to say he's blown work money 260 i feel sick with despair
Thanks for your reply half life. I know, why can't i walk away for good? I left only to be conned into getting back into this. It is a living nightmare. i was awake till 4am today crying/unable to sleep. I know, life is miserable. I still cling to hope he will change, but as you say whilst i bail him out he has no reason to stop. I do because briefly he seems genuinely sorry & wants to change - and i want to believe him. If he loses his job that's it we definitely have no future.
He went to counselling today but i don't think he's being completely honest. He said he's told the counsellor everything, the 1000's of debt he's put me in, stealing from his employer. So if a counsellor knew that, would a gamcare counsellor really tell him he should have control of his money? He cannot be trusted with it! He said that the counsellor said as he's paying most of his pay into my account , he doesn't get to see the benefit of working and earning as he doesn't see any of his money (nb the isn't for me it just sorts his bills - there's nothing left for me of for us to do stuff with becuase he keeps asking for money back/to pay more 'bills' which i can't disprove then of course he gambles it).
He said he doesn't want to be working just to pay off debt/bills! Hello i'm paying off 1k of his debt each month (i'm so embarrassed to admit how much i've bailed him). Why can't he see that eventually he'll get to a point where there IS more money if he doesn't gamble but never if he contineus to? He just seems to want a quick fix. SUrely if he was ready to change as depressing a thought as it may be, he'd accept that at least for soem time, most of his money would go on bills/debts etc but gradually it'd get better. I've said all this. The s*** i'm in & i don't go running to a bookies. Just seems like one excuse leads to another.
He says he needs hope. So do I! His perspective is if he's nothing to look forward to working & earning he may as well gamble. I could scream at his flawed logic. I've told him countless times if he never gambles eventually there will be money to do things. Things aren't going to change overnight but they will with time. As it is i booked a holiday (yet to be paid - & flights paid on my mum's credit card) so there's something to look forward to - he works to earn money to pay for a holiday in September. There isn't the money to do much else in between - but he gets a lovely holiday in 8 weeks. If he hadn't stolen, lied & gambled, we wouldn't be in this situation.
I just can't believe a counsellor would tell him he needs to take control of his money when (assuming my partner has been honest) the counsellor knows my partner is stealing work money & has done several times;that i've bailed him out & am in 1000's of debt. My partner says it's because if he knows he's no money then he wants to gamble. But he's just lying to himself. We've tried it with him having control of his money & of course he still gambled, still stole & i still bailed him. I could maybe understand several months down the line (even longer maybe?) him gradually taking control but to keep all his money & control it - he will gamble it . He shouldn't be handling any money at the moment but as a bus driver he is daily which makes things 1000 times worse. Would Gamcare really suggest this??
I have proposed that he hands over his bank card (if he has it he knows i can pay in money) , i have access to his account online - so i can see he's not getting money elsewhere to gamble (e.g. his mother), he fills up with petrol at the weekend when i see him (he's working in another city at mo) & he has 40 pw for food/papers etc. I know it doesn't sound much but the rest of his money is for bills & he has to budget! if we are to go on holiday he has to pay his share & he will see where his money is going & the benefit - a lovel holdiay. Plus when i see him at w/ends i've always paid for food anyway (i'm prepared to contiiue doing short term., whilst he gets on some sort of even keel. I am utterly skint in far more debt than him (crazy i know i'm such an idiot & cringe when i think about it), have far more outgoings but i woulld never contemplate blowing 100's on machines - yes i know i haven't an addiction but why can't he see that?
Am i wrong for what i've suggested? Would a counsellor suggest what he has in my partner's cirucmstances? How could that possibly work given how serious his addiction is? Am i a blind fool for even thinking he will ever change? I know he must want to change, but what i'm describing do you think there's any realistic chance? I know i deserve so much better - just hoping this counselling is the start of him changing but as i said what he told me i can't see how he's doing all it takes.
Advice & opinion would be much appreciated. x
He mel35
Really do hope your partner is wanting to quit 100%! There is amuch better life wwithout gambling and all the cr** that goes with it.....
He needs to want to stop, and I really do hope he does.
Take care
Jason
Hi Mel
Well done for joining the forum and we hope you find it a supportive place. It sounds as though you are very preoccupied with your partner and his behaviour at the moment and hoping it will all stop, but not knowing how this is going to come about and whether you can trust what he is saying to you.
It might help you to think about getting some more structured support at this time -GamCare counselling is also available to partners. You can call us if you wanted to find out more about that.
Also, we're sorry that you had an experience where you felt an adviser wasn't able to listen to your story. You are of course welcome to use the helpline to talk. If you wanted to give any specific feedback to us, you can email us on feedbackadmin@gamcare org.uk. We do value feedback and try to improve the service.
Best wishes
Forum Admin
Wow!
Mel, i can feel the absolute desperation just in reading your posts.
Im afraid if i seem blunt from an outsiders point of view but you both seem to have an addiction, your partners is gambling and yours is to him! You are paying off 1k a month through no fault of your own! That must be so hard. He needs to try harder to change, and see what he is putting you through!
At no point during your posts have i got the impression that he even wants to stop you say he only went to counselling when you or work told him to, i mean has he ever even apologised?
I am speaking with alittle bit of experience because my friend has just broken up with her husband due to gambling and is a changed woman, i would never advise to you one way or the other it will always be your decision, but i see what a change its made to her- you have to be strong!
I havent gambled in weeks now and that was all for my girlfriend and my 18 month old son, to give them a better life. As a man he must see what hes doing to you and his loved ones and at least attempt to change!
Mel try and stay strong i know its easy for me to say sat at a keyboard, but you will get so much good advice from people on here who are going through exactly the same as you!
Best wishes
hi mel.
I am a gambler but I am on my 53 day gamble free.
from reading your post it seems to me that he doesn't want to stop.
in the end I think you will need to be tough as he sees you as a safety net and a doormat (sorry for the bluntness).
I was told to not have control over my money. my husband knows how much I've been paid, what has been spent on groceries etc and has control of my savings.
if he doesn't have access to money including a debit card he won't be able to gamble, but going by his track record he is likely to steal the funds anyway.
sometimes people need to hit rock bottom to help themselves climb back out again, unfortunately he won't be able to hit rock bottom if there is a safety net in the way.
hopefully you will work out what is best for you as you need to put yourself first for once.
best wishes for the future and keep strong
Hi Mel
I also sitting past midnight looking to talk to somebody and share the pain and tell my story . Difference is that I cannot tell anybody close as everyone know how loveable and fantastic couple we are. I do really really love him as I feel I Could't find a better man ! He is good looking not smoking and no drinking! Nobody knows that he is actually gambler !!!! I know he loves me but I also know that I am the second best ! I knew that he had a gambling problem but like you I felt I could change him with my love and affection . But as a time past it got worse and at one point I thought I won!! As I was about to leave a week before wedding he gambled 300 pounds from our savings towards honeymoon which were so presures leaving after loosing the money intention was to win more and treat me to a nice honeymoon!!! We had to take a loan !!! My walking out for day did put him scared and then I had thought thoughts do I really want to spend my life with gambler? But reality hit me I felt ashamed to break up and most of wedding was paid off and I felt it could be one chance to get married as I grew up in single parent family the feeling of completion was stronger. Also lack of self esteem and few boyfriends he did made me feel special , loved wanted! He realise at that time and agreed that he has problem and need help and he doesn't want to loose me. After wedding he did started to change and I had more contrall on finances I graduated and started to work full time . I allowed him and time to time I will support him and will go to bookies with him to keep contrall but eventually I let my guard down and started again.not big amounts but enough that I end up paying all bills and left with few pennies unable to shop for myself or treat myself. I do not drink and smoke either but do like sometimes to go out! Yes we did had few holidays and we have booked one in four weeks which he is contributing some of them he saved from his second part time job. He doesn't gamble that much so I thought once again and allowed to open his own account as he had to consolidate his Det not to cover gambling but what he took out to cover and pay for holidays whilst I was studying. So yes I was in contrall for 2 years with limit of 20-40 pounds a week he was allowed to gamble and in first year we saved and had money amazing feeling we were able to go on world tour without a loan and had a spending money !!! He loved it it made him even more motivated to save! Following holiday he talked me into it how good he is now and able to contrall his gambling so I alowed to open his own account !! What a big mistake!!! Never trust a gambler!!! So we planning another 6 week holiday now travel Europe . Yes he supposto saving all his money for holiday whilst I pay the bills and his DM . I took my guard to just find out before Christmas that he needs help with his account as he needs to send some paperwork in order to receive winnings! I felt sick and hurt like you Mell the lies !!! Manipulating excuses and reasons and my fault but I am still cannot leave him . I did not helped him and he lost a winnings it was a good annount but I did not cared when I found out that he opened another account on his card and spend all his wages to online betting . So he lost money we had almighty row ! We do not argue all this time much but this time I did as I felt really hurt ! Worst part he made me feel such a failure and so stupid ' I am a mug' He wasn't talking for 3 days I wrote a letter to him trying to explain how hurt I am but he did not see this way so in order to get his attention I blocked all gambling websites . He doesn't know that good computers so he wasn't able to undo so he had to talk! I was in such state of desperation and not sure what to do leave or not ?! I even felt to commit suicide as I felt the taught of shame and realisation that I m not living in fairy tail and my marredge is not perfect as I am painting to my work colleagues . The taught of being alone and unable to talk to him it was unbearable as I love to spend time and he is great company. I was looking for reasons what's triggered once again !! The trigger I felt it was that he desperately one evening after when we back from holiday wanted to us have baby ! He had a vasectomy !!! So it is not my fault that we cannot have children !! I wasn't that worried as I am studying my masters so not particular good time to concentrate on IVF . He was upset and I could see he was unhappy and he talked me into it !!! 6 month later just 3 month before our planned holiday and we in same position there is no money for holiday and we will need to take loan or loose booked flights!! I just find out that he gamble over 2000 pounds!!! Once again I am in disbelieve , sick angry ! Agreement before Christmas was gone!!! It is his money and he can do want he wants!!! O yes who pro wides you with roof over your head who pays the bills who feeds you!!! ? So my money is our money but his money is his so it is ok for him to spend that for his pleasure and relaxation !!! Where is my pleasure? You know what was his answer your studies!! All your money goes to it !!! Correction actually I had to ask finance support from work and I did not spend one penny towards!!! So we were once again in same dilemma what to do !!? He suggested that there is no point for future to be together as I am not happy with him ! I felt quite happy that we do not have children !! I do actually would like to have but idea of struggle and survival is stronger as I made myself promiss that I never slow my children live live I had !!! I do not want them not be able to have what they want or have hunger!!! No !!! After week we made up and I felt I made choice to stay once again ! We had a nice holiday with loan money which I paying for next 3 years!! We agreed that he will pay some bills and alowed to spend 250 pounds a month.
Last week we have to pay 3 bills and I remind him 3 days later after he got paid ! He told me he cannot afford to pay and I have to take from holiday money which is my bonus I got paid for completing contact! My alarm bells started to ring once again ! It's our 8 wedding anniversary following day ! Last year he was buzzing but this year his quite!!? Well following day I managed to look into his account and just to find out that he already spend 300 pounds !!! No wonder he cannot pay bills!!! I wasn't sure how to confront him once again I feeling upset and in same position as a last year! Well little better is less but still the money given to somebody who is not real! I am the one who sharing bed and cooking looking after him when he is ill not online bookies ! I am the one who needs to be spoiled!! I did manage to tell him that I know why he cannot pay the bills he laught nervously but did not got into argument!! So why I am telling this online today !!! Today we had a argument but I on my own
In bed he is on setee . I upset him I really hurt him as I compared him in a discussion after watched program domestic violence as no different and he did not herd rest of it as I was explaining the viscous circle you get stuck and sometimes you do not know what to do or were to go and I remind him about how I was thinking to leave him last year and he knows and how much I was hurt, but he is still continues to hurt me ! He feels that it is worst comparison I could ever say and he is deeply upset and be once again asked that I leave him! I feel that when he says that it is making him feel better and if I leave he will have a good excuse to say that I left him! I nearly finished and I do feel better and will see what he says when he wakes up but I feel I will not give him that easy way and this time I will offer him to leave as I am the one who pay the rent !!!!
I feel that my situation is not that bad financially and he has a 2 job but all his wages going to gambling . My worst problem that I haven't got my family as I distance myself from them !!! Once again thanks to my husband also I did not made good friends at the moment as I felt I haven't got much time and avoid gossiping! So I am a little lonely! Not sure what else I can do but I still can hope one day maybe I will get my fairy tail !!! Time will show
Feel little better now!!!
Hi I am a compulsive gambler your partner reminds me alot of myself when I was active. Even still I plot and plan my return to gambling. But I wanted to say this. It is not your fault or your problem what your partner does. He gambles because he has an addiction/disease all the blaming you is lies to facilitate his addiction. I don't know who advised a compulsive gambler to handle money but they want their head examined. I hope you find the strength to kick your partner out before he takes you with him. If he sorts himself out and your are happy with that then work out your relationship. This guy will destroy you as I did to my family. I went to rehab and they told my wife there is no room for leeway with addiction and thinking back they are right. This is not your problem and if your partner won't change then your better off alone.
Hi Mel
I myself am a cg and have been gamble free for a year tomorrow. Iam sorry to be blunt here but you are effectively his enabler and also are his employers. You must find the strength to chuck him out on his own and see where that leads him. I was not kicked out but i was told to leave one year ago, and when it finally dawned on me that yes i had utterly reached rock bottom there really was only one way back.
Let him take your debts and sort them out via a debt management agency and see if you can pay to get them transferred into his name.
At the end of the day it takes courage and strength to get the real person to come out .
I wish u the best of luck dont give up if you do then kick him out and get your life back
Jim
Sorry and sorry again as a compulsive gambler and as a man . im in my 8 month without playing and i quit for love...if he loved you he should have stopped.NO TO HIM YES TO YOU!gamblers don't die he will find another way for gambling and you will find love...cause what you have its not love its dependency of an addict , i do wish you well but you wont go anywhere if you stick by him. My wife its not a model or a five star Michelin chef or whatever but i love her and she was right all the way...she gave up on me but i didn't gave up on her...
Hi Mel
I'd like to know how you are doing now? I just found out about my partner's gambling last week and your posts have detailed my fears.
Also, Half Life, you gave such a measured and helpful reply about your husband. Are you still in love with him? You say you can never trust him with money - has this held back your love for hi m or trust in him elsewhere?
Thanks.
HI Edith,
Haven't been on this site for a while -since i posted in July i think. In one repect couldn't bear to and also hoped against hope I wouldn't have to.
However since i last posted & bailed him out in July (when I was at my wit's end and what compelled me to post), my partner (now ex of 3 weeks) has gambled twice (and i think probably lost more that i dont' know about). OUr relationship is finally over & as hard as it is i am never going back there. It's only been 3 weeks & it's been really hard, really upsetting & just awful.
Obviously he wasn't like this when i met him but although he denies it I'm pretty sure he was already gambling when we met (but not at the level it's now been at for so long). Despite the terrible things he's done so many times, i did love him but things just got progressively worse & the relationhsip was so one sided. I knew in my heart i just couldn't keep doing this, this is not the life i want for myself. I deserve so much better. So do you. Maybe if he'd shown the commitment that some of the other CGs who post on this site, have, things would be different.
I hoped so much that he'd have the determination, will & commitment to really do all it takes to stop all this hurt. He hasn't and didn't. I've done so much to encourage & support him but neither i nor this relationship mattered enough for him to stop gambling. So from my point of view Edith, i'd say unless he's committed to chaging & you can really see it & he's shown it over a sustained period of time, don't waste anymore of your precious life & get out. It's tough emotionally but it will get better - you'll get your life back. The life you knew before it was controlled by an individual's utterly selfish addiction. I've had so many plans ruined because of my partner's selfish actions. Felt utter misery & despair that someone claiming to love me could hurt & betray me so much. I could go on for pages at the terrible things he's done through gambling (& this post is long enough!). I couldn't bear the thought of living the rest of my life like this (in addition his unbearable jealousy made things even worse - whether that was a consequence/symptom of his gambling i don't know but i can't even be bothered to try & work it out - not my problem anymore).
It's only once you really commit to yourslef that the relationship is over & do something about it & end it for good that you start to realise as the time passes how much better life is without this constant dark cloud hovering over you & what a crazy, stressful life (existence) you've been living. Even when things seemed relatively normal, alwasy, i had this sick anxious feeling that the next bombshell would drop -i.e. him gambling again. It was of course only a matter of time. The only time i was able to relax more or less was on holiday - because he had no access to or very little & no real opportunity to gamble. How crazy is that 2 weeks out of 52 having relative peace of mind! It's still early days of course & i still get this feeling of dread when receiving text messages as I'm still in the frame of mind of expecting another text telling me he's 'lost loads' & idiot me would feel i must (even though i hated myself for doing it when we were together) bail him out to save his job. I know it's not my responsiblity & it never was. I did it as i felt i had to as our relationship would really be over if he lost his job. The irony of course is that the relationship (despite what he says) never really mattered & i was the one sustaining it by bailing him out, If i/it mattered he would never have done all he has & continue to.
As the weeks have passed (only a short time i know) , it's allowed me to start to see things more clearly, little by little (still hurts,makes me angry, sad, resentful - every emotion under the sun) & realise that I cannot allow myslef to take responsbility for him ever again. His life, his choice. How i ever allowed myself to get into this crazy, horrendous state of affiars i just don't know. I'm not an idiot, don't see myself as a door mat but God i have been completely.
I think a big step for me has been telling my family (i'd told my mum a bit, jsut before we 1st split 6 months ago but asked her to promise not to tell my sister or brother in law). Only told one of my close friends but then when we got back, i carrioed on as though things were ok/ normal.
Suffered in silence for too long but didn't want to say anything in case he really did, finally change, commit & stop for good - didn't wany anyone judging him (misguided loyalyt).
i've just told my brother in law (whom i'm v.close to) & will tell my sister this w'end when i see her (may seem odd i've told her husband 1st but i wanted to gauge his reaction first . My sis & i are very close but because she's immediate family, it's harder in a way & i'm embarrassed too - i don't know if i'll tell anyone the full scale of the bail outs i've given him (1000's) as i'm ashamed i could be such an idiot - my sister knows we've split up but thinks it's only because of his jealousy).
In terms of the further gambling, he did it in August when at that point i really did think this time was different, he really seemed to have had enough, was going to counselling & his demeanour really seemed to be he couldn't face doing this over & over to himself or me. He gave me his bank card, had 80% of his salary paid into my account, said all the right things & really seemed determined & utterly committed & genuinely different from all the other times.
Folllwoing the revelation in August, I agreed to bail him out one final time (700 almost, he'd gambled work money again) & told him that was the final chance - no more. Clearly he didn't believe me (because of all the chances & bail outs he's had previously) & did it again almost 4 weeks ago now. Betrayed my trust, broke his promise as always, devastated me & effectively ended our relationship. I did bail him out again - 700 again so he wouldn't lose his job but told him it was over. Although i earn a good salary i have NO spare cash (because of his gambling) & simply used my o/draft to bail him out. I did that despite his awful selfish actions, because i do care about him & you can't just switch off those feelings (but actually you have to, you really do to help yourself).
Even then inside, having told him it was over, to myself, i found myself wavering, thinking if he showed real remorse, reassured me, i might give him a chance (as much as i knew i couldn't bear any more hurt & devastation). Having texted me to say he was so sorry, i then didn't hear from him after i bailed him out for 3 days then he turned up at my house & lets himself in(has a key - we live apart during week as he's working 35 miles away & shifts make it too difficult to commute). NO sign of any real remorse, the first thing he does is check for signs of someone else being in the house (doesn't admit that but that's what he was doing - i've mentioned his real jealousy issues [totally unfounded i might add coudn't wish for someone more loyal/faithful but look where that's got me]).
Obviously I was understandably angry that he could do all this again - totally devastated & so hurt by his selfishness, utter betrayal & just his behaviour having made a massive sacrifice to help him. ANyway won't go into detail as it'd take forever but i stuck to my guns & said it was over. We had a massive row, we both said some horrible things but his were truly awful as well as threatening & really abusive (& in my defence my [personal] comments were in response to the terrible, unwarranted, relentless abuse from him). He left my house but not without subjecting me to more terrible degrading (verbal)abuse in front of neighbours (utterly mortifying & distressing). I then get a text saying he's 'sorry i'm hurting' (not "sorry for all i've done" and all he "ever wanted" was me to "be fair and reasonable". The man is on another planet!! Also said that he will pay me back (money) when he's sorted himself out & then i'll see "he's not the person i think he is". Really (!?) That was 3 weeks ago. Heard nothing and that is both an immnese relief but also really disconcerting as that is totally unlike him (as mentioned we split temporarily earlier this year & he woudlnt' leave me alone so i ended up changing my mobile). I've learned the hard way that my ex never does anything unless its suits him/he wants something. So although i asked him not to contact me & leave me alone so i could start rebuilding my life i still expected him to contact me. The fact he hasn't as i say is worrying (i know not my responsbility but his emotional state worries me for various reasons). I guess of course it could simply be that he's not contacted me because he has no need (financially or otherwise to as opposed to respecting my wishes).
Athough i am still hurting (we were together 6 years & it wasn't of course always bad) peace of mind (which i'm very slowly getting back) is far more precious than what became a dysfunctional, utterly stressful relationship.
So Edith sorry for the essay but in a nutshell, from my point of view, i wish i'd got out much sooner. Some CGs as this site is testimony to, will overcome/control their addiction & revert to/become the kind of partners/wives/husbands their other halves deserve. i gave my partner so many chances, supported and helped him so much (emotionally and [stupidly] financially). Gambling is what mattered most to him. If he were to turn up now, or in a few weeks, & genuinely had got his life back on track, was a changed man & never actually gambled again tempting though i know it would be, i just couldn't go back to that life, because all trust has been broken irrevocably.Too much damage has been done. I want a partner i can trust, rely on, who I matter as much to them as they do to me. My equal. I would be forever looking over my shoulder, wondering when it would happen again (even if it never did), forever feeling anxious, waiting for the next devastating bombshell , expecting to be hurt & betrayed again & living a life like that is hell. No one deserves that. Life is too precious. I really hope i can trust again. Stupidly & naiively, I trusted my partner completely because i judged him on my own values/behaviour. One thing i have learned now, is trust must be earned over a long period of time. x
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