First Chat Didnt Go well

Hi gamblers hubby! There was a husband on here last year and he said the best thing he'd done was go to a gamanon meeting. A place no one wants to go, a place for help and support. The thing is you have to look after you. You will send yourself mad controlling and monitoring your wife. That's not how it works I'm afraid. That will make her gamble and much more secretive. She has to work her own recovery, learn a new way to occupy herself. Putting blocks in place is the first step. If you are so angry, want her to leave, spend half time at her parents, take the house, etc. Why would she agree to that? She is not a child. You shouldn't make important decisions whilst in this state. You should find out a bit more about addiction. The important thing is to safeguard your money. It's up to her to sort the debt. Be it negotiating with cc company, or consolidation, or dmp. Stepchange are the people who can help with finances. It's a difficult situation but until you can see things more clearly I would wait. The main thing is finance. I control all money, my husband has cash for a coffee and gives a receipt. That's a consequence and his choice. He gambled for probably 30 years. It's a progressive illness that starts small and gets bigger until their every waking moment is thinking about gambling. It takes its toll on you, so you need to find help and support. Get credit reports if you want to see extent of debt, Experian, clear score, noddle, money saving expert. You can get alerts if credit is applied for. The gambler doesn't do any of this to hurt you. It isn't your fault. The only person you can change is you.

Thank you for the comments, I dont want to control my wife, I want to get some control over the situation.

The repeated actions advised are to remove joint finance commitments which our mortgage is one, we can be forced to sell the house to repay, if it's just in my name I at least have a fighting chance of keeping our boys home, worse case scenario which is what I need to plan for, anything less is a bonus.

I dont want her to leave, but again following the advice given of taking over her finances, I know what a rough ride that will be to actually achieve that, and dont think I can cope with that on my own which is where her parents can help, and her staying there a couple nights a week will just give me a break from it.

The separation bit is more for me, as her partner I just want to solve it, get the money to clear the problem so she doesnt have to go through all this, but again reading the advice that's a big no no. I need the psychological break, if that makes sense?

Everything was a short term step only, get control of the situation, and give all those involved a chance to get familiar and settled with what will need to be done ongoing, we can then re-evaluate.

It's only been a week, but I know she still gets the text alerts from the site/premises she frequented, so I dont even know if she really has blocked anything, and dont even know how to check or do it myself, that's my next bit of reading.

I appreciate some of my actions might be panic driven, but they are all trying to achieve what is suggested in the only way I can see to do it. I know she needs to do it herself, but I cant risk her making worse, without control/monitoring how do I achieve that?

Really grateful for you taking the time to respond, I feel a little lost in all this and will look to see if any of those meetings go on near me. I just want to do what's best and will help.

You're not wrong to take every step possible to secure the household finances against further squandering but the main point of that is to give you breathing space before coming to further decisions. That said if you need downtime, you need it and that's absolutely fine. Protecting yourself emotionally as well as financially is important.

I would suggest seeing every credit agency report available to get an idea of the true extent of the debt as a first step. Your wife can contact debt advice charities like Stepchange and Payplan to get initial thoughts on how she's to repay her debts. It's devastating and scary when we find out what's been going on but trying to be on top of everything she does all the time is the quick route to insanity. It's hard but you have to accept if she wants to gamble she will whatever measures you have in place. Mr L did it by conning the kids out of ther savings and channelling the money through my son's bank account and that's the better side of how it went. The depths they can sink to when they're determined would take your breath away. Don't keep secrets for her. If there's anyone who might fall for a sob story, tell them. Password protecting all devices and installing blockers might go some way to mitigating your anxiety around her internet access.

Be kind to yourself. It doesn't come together all at once and there will be things that you find you want to put in place months or even years down the line. Mr L has just registered with Gamstop (new SE service) not because I've seen any evidence he's gambling but because he wants to comply with the things I need for reassurance.