Flickering lights

Thanks CW..

Deffo understand what you're saying. Spirituality is different from religion..yet very similar in my opinion.

I would think I'm quite spiritually in touch with myself which is good ☺ (don't write me off just yet! 😉 )

However would be lovely to find a balance between the two. ..either way it's belief and hope which are playing a part here. ..and of course, physical actions to see the soul through.

I will get there as Amom said...i may trip, fall and bruise myself once more but hand on heart - i will keep rising from those ashes until I'm steady on my feet ☺

Thanks again..hope all is good with you!

B&S xx

Thanks CW. My son is in recovery with GA but has had a few major relapses. He got a year in January and then proceeded to have a massive 5 month relapse... I can attest to the progressive nature of this addiction both mentally and financially!!

Bless him he keeps going back to GA and trying again. I am pretty sure he doesn't really "work" a program but is trying.

Some days though I feel like running away as it is always there and it is so oppressive. It makes me sad for everyone:(

Hope you are well.

Cathyx

Knock knock...may I ☺

Thank you for the post. Probably 1% of my drained brain thinks that you somehow broke into the smile a lil with my compliments 😉

Actually..yes, i am scared of you guys who are on the receiving end of this addiction. Not gonna lie here...seen confusion/anger/ disbelief and very little hope in those eyes of loved ones. Painful..yes.

Your husband doesn't sound "in it" 100% ..sorry for saying this, but if you're open - you're open about everything no matter how embarrassing it is to face the music in a room full of strangers...on the other note - glad you're getting support also. That was the drum i was banging at yesterday : " recovery is not for one but for all involved...esp who been hurt by such acts but willing to stick by by the "offender". Hope this makes sense.

I am ok, or as good as i can get. Alive and with roof over my head with lil furry friend waiting for my return shortly...& also looking and accepting help. Hope is in the air again ☺

Stay calm and look after yourself

S x

Thanks, Sandra, you're quite right in all respects.

He wants to recover with meetings alone, without one to one or Steps, he says it's working for him. He does go regularly and as far as I know he's been gf for over two years but deeper digging into uncomfortable areas that might just address the fallout from years of gambling? The not being completely in there lies in his insistence on doing it his way and as ever he maintains that he doesn't need the Steps and it's not for me to interfere.

As indeed it's not for me to interfere (...beyond pointing out once or five times that the Steps start by addressing ego and the handover of control and they work in order and picking and choosing "easier" bits doesn't achieve the same thing without first addressing ego and the handover of control). Having pointed that out, it's all I can do.

My problem is that I'm still having huge difficulty in detaching. It's not for me to interfere but it does affect me (I let it), I'm been quite down and I seem to have lost myself. Or at least I'm starting to realise quite how lost I am. When someone asks how I am, my reply should not be measured in terms of what he's doing and it should not necessarily be measured in terms of what the children are doing. So I'm finally I'm trying to address my own codependency and find my own sponsor and my own program and I'm hoping that will help me. Although I suspect it will get worse before it gets better because who likes change? But it has to be done so here goes.

CW

PS. The Capcha puzzle that I just solved showed a picture of a well known bookmaker!!!!!!

Hi,

Nice to hear from you and dig broader into the subject. To be honest i didn't realise one can attend meetings (for this long) and don't do steps. The programme is based on them so there is no way to get away from it. As you know I'm not keen on them, but as you say, probably my ego and reluctance to hand over my power is holding me back.

Codependency. As good friend pointed out - we all have some degree of it. It turns into enabling also and the merry go round begins. There are Codependancy meetings out there also. I know i carry big chunk of the same also. To be honest, i find it hard to know which one to tackle...lol..yes...and on the same note, all my addictions are connected...but i have to start with the most destroying one which is gambling as i clearly found out not long ago.

Sorry to hear you're finding yourself in such circumstances. It's not peaceful place for mind and soul.

You know what striked me at gone GA meeting. The partners voicing themselves out. Clearly stating that it's the first time they gonna say what they gonna say/ think. It brought pain to me but also happiness that the rooms allowed "caged bird" to find the voice. Speak up, let it out, open up..good bad or ugly. I'm over the moon for them all because at the same time it gives time for recovering gambler aknowledge the devastation they have caused. To really accept the consequences of thier actions.

Don't know CW..really don't know what to suggest. Hopefully Dan will come by shortly as i believe he has more knowledge about this.

Just gald you're looking after yourself. Sorry you have to pick up the pieces like that..i truly hope you both find the way to work through this and peace will return to your household.

Just remember that you and your family comes first...it does get worse before it gets better but there is hope always close by ☺

Stya strong

S x

Thanks CW...touching post and you're right, i guess I'm worth more than i allow myself in this life ☺..need stop stepping in my own way and find self worth i seem to keep loosing.

Will try my best to stick to the rooms and programme.

Stay well yourself...help is out there & you're worth it too!

S x

Hi CW, just felt like dropping by with a wave of support. I hope the last week or so has seen you find some more stable ground - Kelly

Hiya CW,

Thanks for dropping by.

In regards of s*x subject in fellowships...well..i can honestly say i felt a lot more at peace & safer around men in AA than in GA..have no idea why...maybe cause drinking can have more brutal physical consequences and i dealt with them (men+drink) in the past :-/...so seing men around and knowing that no drink is present in their lives put me at ease.

The "gentleman" in GA didn't show any signs of "attraction" for the first two meetings...until i used his phone contact as support one day and that's when it all started. We kind of sorted it all out but as they say...."you cannot unlearn something you have learned"..in the back of my mind i do feel threat...
In AA...there was more couples/ relationships created in the group than i could of imagined! Again..maybe honesty and understanding ear does impact on it...again, GA....hmmm..not sure...I'm just not sure why i feel it's not 100% genuine place...it 's like ther eis bigger possibility of switching addictions?....i shall work it out in my mind as possibly am wrong here.

CoDA....well, i haven't found meetings around me for my other issue yet but shall keep looking around. Actually, Rachel (ex doormat) did say the same reckoning i would be better off on the same s*x support group as find more comfort in female company...but again...female for me can associate with morherly/ sistery care and i can get attached! Not sure this makes sense lol..i just seem like i cannot win here!

For a time being i am using my time and connecting with people in 3D..building bridges with sister and her family, one friend i have outside cyber space too...that's enough for now. My dog is my bestie now...believe me or not - without her, i wouldn't of bounced bk from recent fiasco. Appreciating what i have...truly don't ask for more...i have my peace of mind today...and tommorow is another day and in this life there are no miracles. We get what we ask for...it's all about the choices we make.

Stay well yourself and thank you again for dropping by.

Kind Regards & a hug of course ((((((CW & family))))))

B&S xx

Hey CW I was just thinking about you and wondering if you had left the forum and then I see a post from you... eerie!!

How goes your battle? I see you are doing CoDA... are you finding it helpful? That is maybe something I should look into but don't know if we have any in my city.

My son (and subsequently the rest of us) have had the year from hell. He was gamble free for 2016 and then hit a bump( his gf broke up with him) and 2017 has been relapse after relapse. To add to the mix on one of his first relapses he won a huge amount of $$$. When they say this addiction is progressive they aren't kidding! I give him credit... he continues to go back to GA as he feels this is what is going to help him manage but it is soooo hard.

I was very disappointed in myself as when he was gamble free for that year I let myself slip into complacency with my own behaviours. How easy it was to forget everything I had worked on and learned in Gamanon. My resolution for 2018 is to really work the 12 Steps...as I hope my son will one day.

Not sure why you ended up being the recipient of all my thoughts and insecurities 🙂 but just wanted you to know I was thinking of you!

Cathyx

Hi CW
Just wanted to let you know , its been a pleasure watching you grow on here. Probably the most intensive & honest recovery i have seen on these pages. You have gone from blaming & seeing yourself as a victim to taking responsibility for yourself in your life.
I'm so glad you found CODA, gamanon tends to focus on the fixing of someone else rather than what really matters, coda focuses on self, & that's the only recovery anyone has a right to rule.
Anyhoo, well done you, I'm staggered by your progress.

Hello CW,

Just dropping by to wish you a very Merry Christmas!

I am so so pleased to see you have found your feet at CoDA meetings!
Something learned we cannot forget ☺

Wish you well, keep looking after yourself as you matter the most!

S&B xx

Hi CW

Thanks for the drop by. I guess I will go to the meetings but " I am not in enough pain yet".

..

Hope you're well & your CoDA meetings helps!

X

Dear CW

Do you ever feel like you need to detach yourself from the events in your family? Do you feel the need to run away, find solace, peace, understanding?

I do. I am well aware of my responsibilities 're looking after my family and my closest...doggie...but ultimately I need "MY" time away. Mine is hiding behing slots. Not healthy.

I have tried various rooms...for various escape issues. You know them. Some of them worked some of them didn't. I didn't keep it up. I chose my dog as priority against my sponsor. Who is in wrong here? Am not sure. I have had diverse opinions on my choice... I know my commitments....& unfortunately through love and pain, I choose this innocent one. What price? Yes, not too good financially but I still have her love & loyality.

I don't trust people. I also manipulate people because I need a lot of attention...i also get attached & ultimately it creates toxic relationships. I can't win here.

Death is not a solution even if it's easy way out. Again, care for others.

I don't make sense here & I know that...but I also know that deep down you know ME. Not exactly following the book of life but never giving up either. Am I choosing the hard way to find a way out eventually? Maybe I am...it doesn't hurt as much as it should to yet..not as much for me to take immediate action & that's why I'm procrastinating..

When will it be? When I have enough of all this...at the minute it gives me breathing space...let it be every 3-4 months.

I am sorry, I am an addict but I am trying to work things out.

Take care & i wish you very well xx

Ps. Typing this brought tears out. Not the best way to show my face in the early "audience" but am thankful for the emotion netherless.. if I can cry, I can smile too so thank you for bringing humanity in me x

Hey CW, thanks so much for your well wishes...Hope you are doing well!