Hi This is going to be long and rambly - i apologise theres been alot in such a short space of time
I found out in October my husband of just over a year had a gambling problem after him taking money out of the joint account we use for the joint bills and he finally admitted he had taken out a loan for £36k and blown it all in the casino. After I had gotten over the shock of it all I told him my expectations of what I wanted to see. Which he didnt want to do - this included showing me all of his accounts (he did but not all- i found a credit card statement), stopping the lottery on his accounts (£100 a month - when we were struggling for the food shop!), and selling his buy-to-let property to pay off the loan. Anyway, we both had the gamcare counselling for 6 weeks, and then he insisted the second batch of 6 weeks we had couples counselling. During this counselling I realised that I couldnt be with him (the counselling really helped me by the way, just not in the way he wanted) and I had stopped eating, and was making myself unwell so I left home. He kept insisting that he didnt have a gambling problem (and still does), at which point in February I told him I wanted a divorce. Only then did he sell the buy-to-let house - I still dont know if he ever gave up the lottery.
But he keeps blaming me for the gambling, his lack of a job, and has posted some things on social media designed to make me feel guilty about leaving him, and sent me texts that were truly horrible and generally timed when I was almost at the point of moving forward. He went to a group therapy session and then had phoned to have a go at me because "the others wives are still around and supporting them and theyve done much worse". So much so I had to stop talking to him, blocked him on my phone, and stopped following him on social media.
Then recently in mediation for the divorce he told me I was disrespectful for not talking to him, refused to continue communicating through my dad, and that if I didnt talk to his face he wouldnt sign any of the divorce, including sending the mediators any of the financial disclosure. The day after the mediation he told my sisters husband that he had paid off his debts so was going back to poker nights they both used to attend, but that he hadnt gone back to the casino yet.
Its hard when he wont try and accept and follow the help he has been offered.
He has put our joint house up for sale so I guess that is something. (But I have only just found out I could have severed my mortgage to protect my half - wish I had know that sooner). Im just fed up of the emotional blackmail and the constant bids to control my emotions. I get that gambling is an illness, i really do. Doesnt make it any easier though, when hes playing games with my own finances and future. Its made me harbour feelings of hatred towards him, which I know is not the best position to be in. I find myself obsessing over his social media profile though, wondering the next thing he has said about me. Will I ever move on?
Hi Holsyt, I thought I would leave a comment as I am also in a situation where I have left my CG husband. I tried for 14 years to help him until it got to the point last December where I left because I just couldn't and didn't want to live a life like that anymore.
6 months on and life is good; i'm 34 and have been with him since I was 17 so it's very daunting and a big step into the unknown. We still speak nearly every day and he desperately wants to get back together but the thought of putting any sort of trust in him and taking that step is frankly terrifying to me which makes me think it's better to draw a line under this once and for all rather than live in this limbo. An active CG can make you believe anything and can turn things around on you so easily even though you know you're not at fault. It sounds like you're being very strong and brave and for that you shoukd be very proud of yourself x
Hi Holsyt, I thought I would leave a comment as I am also in a situation where I have left my CG husband. I tried for 14 years to help him until it got to the point last December where I left because I just couldn't and didn't want to live a life like that anymore.
6 months on and life is good; i'm 34 and have been with him since I was 17 so it's very daunting and a big step into the unknown. We still speak nearly every day and he desperately wants to get back together but the thought of putting any sort of trust in him and taking that step is frankly terrifying to me which makes me think it's better to draw a line under this once and for all rather than live in this limbo. An active CG can make you believe anything and can turn things around on you so easily even though you know you're not at fault. It sounds like you're being very strong and brave and for that you shoukd be very proud of yourself x
Thanks yeah I am doing well I have some amazing family and friends who have supported me through it all its amazing really.Its just frustrating that he is making an already difficult decision harder, and pushing those he loves away, but I do always wonder when it all started for him. I dont think I will ever know, hes too much in denial that he has a problem. He couldnt understand that I didnt leave because of the gambling, but to his attitude towards me in the aftermath, and the refusal to do anything - its become a part of his personality.
I admire people on here that say they have taken control of the finances. I even broached the subect with him and i got shot down immediately. It was his money and I wasnt to touch it. He even told me and another friend that he didnt realise that marriage was about sharing everything together. Guess he was saying different vows to me, everything he says contradicts himself, and i guess thats part of the lies he has to tell to cover up the gambling. I know he cant help it, its the addiction. And I have to remind myself of that. But I feel good to be out of it.
Its just the moving on he obviously doesnt want to do is not going as I would have hoped, because I get that glimpse and he pulls it from under me.
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