Sorry if this seems a little off track, but i'm trying to understand as much as possible before I raise this topic with my partner who is struggling right now with his gambling problems and the impact that his had on his life. I don't want to knock him off course if he's doing well in staying away from gambling this time, but I don't know what the best thing to do here is. Forgive the length of this message!
At the start of our relationship, my partner told me in passing that he had used the services of s*x workers before, even while in relationships, one of those things that 'lads' do on stag parties and trips to Amsterdam etc. It didn't sound like it was a regular or current situation and I didn't want to know or ask the details of what he got up to. I remember saying it was not something that I would ever consider or want to indugle in, but each to their own, however I would never put up with being cheated on in any way.
After 4 months of being together my partner admitted to me that has a gambling problem, something that he had never shared with anyone other than his best mate, a life-long friend who had bailed him out in the past before. I had no reason to suspect it and I never 'discovered it', I just saw that he was withdrawn and not himself one day and asked him to talk to me about why. He eventually told me that he had blown his full wage, and that of his employees, at the casino in minutes the day before and didn't know what to do, and explained that this was the first time he had spent money that wasn't his own, or wasn't borrowed with the knowledge of the person lending it. This was a new low for him and it scared him. He told me that I was the best thing that had ever happened to him, but he couldn't see a way of fixing it, and thought it was best if he left, ran away from it all and tried to get himself together without dragging me down by lying and hiding things from me. I remained calm and talked him through the situation, asking what running away would resolve, how that would fix the situation for his workers and their families etc. He told me without any kind of prompting that he wanted to stop, wanted to get help, get out of the vicious circle he was in and try to make something of himself. So finally we came to an arrangement that I would pay back what he had spent and I would take control of his finances a bit for him, at his request. He wouldn't borrow money from anybody else, we would keep it contained and I would know the full extent of what he owed to where, with most of it being owed directly to me. He's not a great communicator, and I knew it would take time for him to be able to speak to a professional for help, so didn't push him into it, just sat with him while he blocked himself out of all his online gambling sites and we looked up details of GamCare, GA etc. We worked out a budget that he should be able to live on, but he runs a business and works away from home for weeks at a time, so this wasn't always pratical and he would ask if I could transer money to cover things at times. I foolishly didn't ask too many questions, just added it to the bill every time and told him how well he was doing in keeping to his side of the agreement and paying me back in installments.
A few weeks later we discovered I was pregnant, unplanned, not unwanted, but a stressful time for it to happen. I immediately worried that this would panic and 'de-rail' him and sent him a reminder one night that the gamcare counselling service was there if he felt the need to gamble. Fast forward another few weeks, he's home for a weekend and I spot the withdrawn signs again. He admits that he had gone to the bookies with one of the boys and lost a couple of thousand again in an afternoon. He was leaving for work again the next day and so we didn't talk it through much, I just said that slip ups happened, and we had to start again with a new day 1. His money, not mine and although I was disapponted, I wasn't angry with him. Another few weeks pass and his bank statement comes in and I see online bookies and a night in the casino spending thousands again. I call him and ask if he has anything he wants to tell me but get nothing until I tell him i've seen the bank statement. Then he admits that he's still been gambling since just a couple of weeks after the initial reveal to me, and if anything he's got worse, doing things that he wouldn't normally do, borrowing large sums from people and feeling out of control, with the baby just adding to the whole situation of how pathetic he feels about being who he is and how he has nothing to show for all his years of hard work. He's almost 30, drives one of my cars, lives in my house, and generally feels pretty d**n useless, despite me doing everything I can to avoid rubbing his face in it and making him feel less of a man or provider. He decided to not come home that weekend, needing some time to clear his head and try to work things through. We had a pretty rough day on the phone trying to decide if our relationship and the baby was damaging him further and if I should walk away if he couldn't end it. I even asked him to give me a reason to hate him, to push me away if that's what he wanted, as his gambling alone was not enough for me to give up on him. He just kept saying he wished there was more, but that he felt that should be enough and he didn't deserve me to stand by him. He read through the forums here to see that he wasn't alone and he's not unique in his habits, he told the people he borrowed from that he had a problem and no longer wanted them to lend to him even if he begged, he called and updated his best mate on his situation, he didn't know it was still going on either, and his mate took on the task of calling him daily to check up on him. I ridiculously felt like I had let him down with continuing to give him money when asked to, believing that he had stopped gambling, so we agreed to take a harder line with his finances. I took over running his business and removed access to his personal accounts, set him up with new basic accounts that I have full control over, therefore cutting off all access to money unless given by me (although I know a gambler will always find a way to get money if needed). I thought we were on track and things were looking up. But the next time he came home I checked his phone to see if there had been anything else after we talked, and saw text messages booking an appointment with an escort. It was the same weekend that he had his last big blowout and loss, just days before I confronted him over the bank statements. He had opportunity to tell me and didn't, and now i'm left wondering if it's all just been b******t and i'm just the bank for him, or if there is a link to the gambling highs/feelings of loss and a need to seek solace? I have read that s*x addiction and gambling addicition have many similarities, but is this all just psycho babble or actually true?
I said nothing while he was home, I saw the messages the night before he was leaving again and didn't want to end our time together on a low note. But now, I want to call and scream at him, call him out on it, ask why, ask what, ask how often, and i'm stuck not knowing whether to raise it now and rock the boat so soon after getting him back on track, sit on it longer and say nothing for a bit with it festering away at me, or assume it was a one off as part of the last weekend of gambling and say nothing at all, which goes against everything I ever believed in about infidelity. I have literally just taken over his entire life, set him up a new company, finance structure, changed his employees ways of getting paid so that he is not handling money at all. I have invested my energy, time and support in him, not to mention my hard earnedmoney, and am carrying his baby, but at the end of the day we ha ve only been together for 8 months and I owe him nothing. I do not want my child to be let down by a lying, cheating, self destructive man and would rather cut and run now than live a life of worry and deceit, but I also don't want to be the straw that breaks the camel's back, sending him into full meltdown mode by taking away his support and his opportunity for a family. Any advice, words of wisdom, familiar situations from anybody out there?
Welcome to the forum Struggling 🙂
Gosh, what an awful kick in the teeth to have discovered that on top of the lying & stealing but yes, addictions do often roll into one another...Although that's not to say he doesn't a) have the choice to partake in the 1st instance & b) the choice to have come clean or continue to try & deceive you until you call him out.
I'm a massive fan of judging all addicts by my lowly actions & those of the people that 'dragged' me up...I say dragged but they did a pretty good job considering my mum is a compulsive gambler & the man I call Dad, a heavy drug user, come alcoholic when he got the ultimatum about using.
I'm struggling to see what this guy offers you for you to be bending over backwards for him & having given him the 'no cheating' rule, how you guys could move forwards if you do overlook this. Addicts need boundaries, we need to see & feel consequences for our actions & we need to take responsibility for them. Whilst you are playing mum to him, he has no reason to do any of that & none of his choices are yours so why are you the only one fighting? Has he attended GA, taken up the counselling, started a diary? Sounds like you're doing everything you can & he's just take, take, take?
You are obviously a very strong, capable person & it's vital that you figure out how to put yourself & your baby 1st without the guilt of trying to fix him because that is something out of your control.
I would suggest you read all you can on addiction, maybe call the helpline & if possible get to a GamAnon meeting. He will be hurting & will feel very low & maybe even mean every word about wanting to stop but he's manipulating you @ the moment, believing his own lies & is very much in action...Relationships with addicts in action are the pits. My husband may argue that relationships with an addict in recovery is even more testing & I'm not going to sugarcoat it, if you stick around, you have stormy waters ahead 🙁
I wish you every strength going forwards, pregnancy & stress are not a good mix so please, look after you - ODAAT
You've only been together eight months and he's shown you consistently who he is.
My advice would be to think very hard about what you want need and deserve from a partner. Put yourself and your interests first. This man doesn't plan to any time soon.
Morning,
The advice of the Anon groups for partners and family is to keep the focus on you. As far as his addictions are concerned, the three Cs: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. But you're running yourself ragged in trying to fix him which poses some painful questions: why are you attracted to such a dysfunctional person who treats you so badly and has this been the pattern in previous relationships? And what issues are you not addressing about you in your bid to fix him?
It's not your responsibility if he goes into meltdown. If you go down the path of thinking that you and you alone must save him from himself, then boundaries evaporate, there are no possible sanctions to enforce, anything goes and chaos reigns.
He can fix himself if he wants to, he doesn't have to keep using. There are Fellowships he can attend for both addictions, he could commit to counselling, he could habitually maintain barriers. But you can't do it for him. Hence previous advice to keep the focus on you.
The starting point is to get help, support and accurate information for you, from this forum, the Helpline, GamAnon, RL friends and family.
Look after you,
CW
Hi struggling, wow 8 months, that shocked me too. Is he admitting his addictions? They say a cg doesn't stop until they reach rock bottom. It's a tough road, which by the sounds of it you have only just begun. I'm with Lethe, think hard about yourself and what you want. If you are choosing him you need to get support to deal with this. Even when you seem to be in control he is still "using". Addictive personalities obsess about most things. You've got your own house, keep it that way. Stop bailing him out. Seek help, you cannot do this alone.
Hi
A good friend of mine regularly uses escort services and we have shared our experiences (me sharing my former gambling addiction).
I can see very clearly that the same processes are going on with his use of escort services, as with my gambling addiction.
It seems to revolve around low esteem and the need for the 'buzz'. Unfortunately, whilst providing a buzz, 'using' just entrenches the low feelings of self-worth. This in turn causes him to use more frequently. A truly negative spiral in action.
Healthy people don't need addictions. He sounds really unwell. Addiciton is just a symptom after all.
Unfortunately he sounds pretty far from the kind of place you can build a relationship on. Ditch.
Best wishes
Louis
Sorry to read your story, struggling
He's a wrong un - agree with Cardhue - ditch, however hurtful this may be - for the sake of you and your unborn child. Also, the advice Cynical Wife is quite correct - Control what you can straight away - you and your finances. Don't let him anywhere near them, otherwise he will leech everything away and drag you down with him. How do I know? Because those are the sorts of things I have done/tried (and repeated) as an addict.
Zero tolerance is required, something I very much doubt your partner could handle!
Struggling how are you doing? You have so much on your plate with your pregnancy I hope you're keeping well. I can only echo others it really is time to put you first, be selfish he is. I have 2 kids and although my husband has never directly stolen from the house/joint accounts his action do impact the family as I either have to pay for holidays, Christmas, birthdays as u til recently he's not had disposable income to contribute. Now I have financial control of everything and the gambling has stopped (for now) I realise it was just another way I was bailing him out. I also realise how much I resented him and that's not healthy for any relationship. The anxiety and depression that often goes hand in hand with addiction impacts their mood too and the kind of father they are. My kids for so long referred to their dad as "shouty daddy" as his fuse was so short. It broke my heart. When he's well he's a great dad but I do live constantly wondering if and when it will fall apart. He knows there would be no way back he's on his last chance. Good luck xx
Hi struggling
I am sorry to be so blunt but you need to leave this man immediately. More importantly please get yourself checked out for sexually transmitted infections which can harm an unborn baby. This man has no respect for you whatsoever and is using you as a cash machine. You are risking both your mental and physical health with this individual. Get rid of him quickly
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