It’s been six weeks since my ex boyfriend walked out. I was at work when he left. A couple of hours earlier he had admitted to being a compulsive gambler. In the last 6 weeks I backed off to protect myself. He & his family promised me they would get help. His gambling has now turned to alcoholism. He’s in a bad place & I have put up healthy boundaries. We were together for two years, known each other for 2.5 years. I know why he has these issues, so does he. I didn’t know he was gambling & he didn’t drink the whole time we were together. He’s not in a place to deal with things & is sourounded by enablers. I’m dealing best I can but I’m making sure I’m ok. I saw him for the first time since he left, last week. He was a wreck. A shell of a man. At first he was himself but as soon as he started talking about him leaving he got upset & changed. He then started to say things to make himself feel better & it was heartbreaking. I can’t help him, no one can but I recognise that there’s a lot at risk. He mentioned he beat someone up on a night out. All his choice but not the man I fell in love with. Thoughts & advice most welcome. Thank you for reading.
Hi Blue Wings,
Welcome to the forum, you will find a lot of support and advice here.
Speaking as a gambler myself I completely recognise the symptoms your (ex) partner is displaying. Addiction will change the way we behave and it sometimes isn't immediately obvious that there is a link between to two. For example, a heavy loss may not manifest itself in behaviour until hours or days later. The mind of a gambler will be pre-occupied with previous losses, potential wins and when the next gambling opportunity will be that they will often seem distant. Likewise, anything you (or anyone else) does to challenge this or even inadvertantly get in the way of feeding the habit is likely to be met with frustration/anger (I remember my partner suggesting some nice plans for a weekend and me getting really grumpy and unreasonable as I knew it would stop me gambling for a few hours!).
As someone who has seen this from the other side you are absolutely right to distance yourself from him at the moment, protecting yourself is very important. He will only get help when he WANTS to (not when he needs to) so maybe the thought of losing you forever might make the penny drop (we can only hope).
Apparantly GamAnon are fantastic for partners/family of compulsive gamblers so see if there's a meeting near you. Alternatively, give GamCare a call and they will be able to offer advice.
All the best and I hope things improve.
Phil
Hi blue wings I'm not really sure what advice you're after. If he's admitted he's a cg he's needs GA meetings. He's obviously an addict as he's now using alcohol too. The only way to get better is to stop. You've done the right thing by safeguarding yourself. You can't fix him. Call gamcare and talk to an advisor.
Thank you so much for the replies. I now have a Gamcare counsellor, starting this week. I made the decision to cut contact fully today. Feeling strong & hopeful for my own future.
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