Gambling withdrawal symptoms/ physical ailments?

Hi unhappy partner. When my husband was gambling he used to come home and sleep, mainly to avoid everything. When he stopped he slept more normally and of better quality. He does have mental health issues and takes meds too. The longer you gamble the more issues you'll have. It definitely affects mental health causing anxiety, depression. Therefore when you stop you have those issues intensified because you gambled to seek numbness, dopamine high. The longer you're stopped the better you get. Forcing a gambler to seek help doesn't work. His response of meetings etc not being helpful is his resistance to seek help. Most addicts are scared to give up their addiction, they are so used to repeating that behaviour in a crisis or daily. I would say if he's anxious, depressed, having panic attacks he should be seeing his gp. Compulsive gambling is an emotional illness with financial consequences. Which came first the anxiety or the gambling??? Who knows. You can seek support for yourself. Call gamcare, find a gamanon meeting. He should have blocks in place, restrict access to money. My husband has no money, cash and receipts, no access to bank accounts. He's joined gamstop, blocked gambling sites on phone and pc, attends GA. He's had to find other ways to occupy his time. Recovery alone is very difficult and support is important.

I’m a bit sceptical about a gambler’s assertion that GA and the chat sessions on GamCare don’t help. I suspect what really happens is that GA and GamCare chat interfere with the gambler’s inclination to gamble in peace and that’s why the gambler resists.

In terms of his recovery, get rid of the “we”. You can’t do it for him. Move the focus over to you and what you can and need to do to make your life better. In the same way that he escapes into sleep and gambling, what is it in you that you escape from by concentrating on fixing him and saving him from himself?

CW

Thank you, MGR. It is as I suspected.

My partner has been to see the GP several times about his anxiety attacks and depression. The GP wants to describe anti-depressants to him but he has refused to take them, fearing he might get hooked which is a big irony, considering his gambling addiction. Oh, incidentally, he also drinks heavily - not everyday but at the weekend where he drinks on average 8-10 pints of beer a night. What meds is your husband on, if I may ask?

My partner has asked that I take control of his bank account, as in I can log onto his a/c online and transfer his wages into my account, but he still has a debit card (I took the last one, but the bank issued a new one which he didn't tell me about, and anyway his account details are entered onto the gambling sites and he remembers the 3-digit security code). As of the last relapse, he is only given enough money for rent for his room and food and he has been showing me receipts for everything he spends money on. The latest relapse happened because i) I stupidly left 100 pounds in his bank account for emergencies, and ii) I suspect his urge to gamble was so strong that he did it anyway, knowing full well the consequences. Well, before that relapse, I was planning to let him move in with me - with him paying me rent of course - when I purchase my new flat in London (I'm currently overseas and am relocating to the UK in a few months' time). Now, I've told him in no uncertain terms that he's no longer moving in with me and that he was to relapse again, I'd definitely walk and he'd be totally on his own. He knows I mean this and he's making some efforts, though as stated he's not attending GA meetings and does not participate in the chat rooms anymore, not since the first couple of sessions. I will ask that he participates in these meetings/ chats, otherwise I will walk also. Enough is enough!! He's been trying to give up since 2016 and he's obviously failed. Incidentally, he's now called his mobile phone provider and have them block all 18+ websites. But, there are still the bookies and if he wants to/ if the urge to gamble again is too strong, I'm sure he can find ways to do so again.

Oh, I am not able to attend GamAnon, bc as mentioned, I am not in the UK atm. Since I've been with him since late 2017 and since his coming clean in mid-2018, he's relapsed twice; and up to the last time, I seriously thought he was making progress. But now that I've read numerous threads on here, I can see that there's no way he can continue to abstain without external help. I fully intend to walk anyway in a few months' time if he still refuses to seek help for himself. I cannot make him do it and do not intend to stick around to see the train wreck, if he continues on this destructive path.

ALN, thank you.

So his physical ailments are not withdrawal symptoms, but emotional/ mental issues. Yeah, he's got anxiety/ depression issues alright, and as MGR stated, I don't know which came first. He told me he started his CG after he broke up with his last gf and she caused him a lot of problems, so he turned to gambling to escape and then got hooked. And the more he gambled and lost, the more depressed and lonely he felt which led to even more gambling and it goes on and on...

I will definitely talk to him about seeking full and proper help and support, without which he will for sure fail again. As mentioned in my post above, I know that he has to want to do this for himself.

CW, thank you for your post.

He can't gamble anymore because he has no money/ I won't allow him any money since I have control of his bank account and transfer all his wages - all except rent and food money - into my account as soon as he gets paid. I've also asked that he put the landlord's rent payment onto a SO so there's no chance he can gamble that away also (though he's never missed his rent payment, not once). I will also make sure that he doesn't stay with me when I get my place in London (am currently overseas).

I agree re removing the "we" and replacing it with "he". I've been providing him with emotional support as well as helping to manage his finances, as of last summer. However, I'm fully aware of the co-dependent risks and am looking out for number one. If he relapses which I am sure he will without the right help, I will for sure walk. I'm setting myself a deadline and making myself that promise and intending to keep it, for my own sanity's sake.

Oh, I just realised that I can participate in the chat rooms too. I will do that. Thanks, everyone, for chiming in.

Antidepressants are what my husband takes, an ssri and a mood stabiliser. If your partner is drinking heavily too that is another way to self medicate. Drink too much, gamble etc. When he was in hospital he couldn't drink? You can see where it leads. It's not your fault you left money in his account. Gambling is a choice. My husband doesn't drink at all anymore. Alcohol and gambling are all socially acceptable therefore you don't see the danger to vulnerable people who then 'use'. If he takes antidepressants he shouldn't drink so he'd have to stop another vice (can't think of the right word). The point is he's using alcohol and gambling to escape. He needs to find out why and get help. You know you can't make him, ultimatums don't work. Encourage him to attend meetings or counselling. There are basic bank accounts and others that don't allow gambling transactions. Once you get back to London there are many meetings for gamanon. Gamanon is also online Sunday nights 8-9.

GamAnon is international, as is AlAnon. However, AlAnon is a bigger fellowship and if his drinking is causing a problem for you, then you qualify. CoDA is also has a wider choice of meetings. If you want to recover from your addiction related issues (being enmeshed with addicts), then the way forward is to attend regular meetings. Saying that it’s his problem is the equivalent of him saying that the chat rooms and GA don’t help. The help is always available in the Fellowships, it’s a question of being willing to take it even when it doesn’t come on your terms.

Financial control does not prevent gambling. It might hinder it if the gambler wants to but taking away the gambling tokens without addressing the compulsion to use /escape/ gamble/ drink either leads to secret credit or theft (gambling) or it leads to acting out another addiction such as drinking or s*x or eating, to name but a few.

Are you being honest with yourself? You say next time but is that something that you’ve said before without following through? Ultimatums should always be avoided unless you are fully prepared to follow through, otherwise the addict learns that anything goes. And they’re not a tool for manipulation. Stating your boundaries as to what you will and won’t accept and enforcing them is fair enough because it’s about you. Notions of forcing him to do it your way otherwise he’ll lose you is a fantasy, more so if you continue to remain in a harmful situation despite what you’ve said.

At the end of the day, your user name says that you’re unhappy. Understandable but it’s your problem, what are you going to do about it?

CW

Thank you so much, MGR and CW. I will definitely heed your advice. I know for sure, and have made it crystal clear to him, that this is the last chance he has. I'm not prepared to lead a miserable life. Either he shapes up or he goes - simple as that.

Well, looks like he gambled again last night!! I expect he'll text me back to deny it, but I *know* he has. Now, by Monday or Tues, the transaction will for sure show up on his online bank account (I again very stupidly left a 50 pound credit on his CC - didn't think he'd stoop that low!).

I've just told him by text that he's now blown his very last chance with me. I'm not even angry. I am just tired, very tired. I feel like blocking him from my 'phone so I don't have to deal with his lies anymore.

Please God give me the strength to continue walking from him and not look back!! There's absolutely nothing more I can do for him. I need to look after *me*.

What has changed for you since your last post? Have you stopped waiting for him to stop? Or has it just been more of the same from both of you?

Nothing changes if nothing changes. It’s all about what you’re going to do to get your life back. Not alone, the help is out there. Do things differently, take it?

CW

Well, he swears up and down that he didn't gamble. I shoud find out by tomorrow or latest Wednesday if he has (bank transaction, if any, will show up by then).

ALN, I have told him, in no uncertain terms, that FOR SURE I'd walk if he relapsed again. He knows this.

CW, I have looked into CoDA but it seems that I don't have the typical characteristics. GamAnon is not available where I live. I will reach out to them when I'm back in London. AIAnon might not be suitable. I'm fully aware I need support (whether or not I continue to stay with him). As far as he's concerned, he's now agreed to attend the weekly face-to-face meetings and also to give the chatrooms at least a few more tries. I've said to him I want to see visible/ life altering EFFORTS on his part, and I want to see them NOW. I've told him that this addiction is a lifelong illness and he has to be continually on top of it and he has to want to do all these things by himself and for himself and that doing these things just because I say so just will not wash!

Hi Unhappy, what makes you so sure you don’t have the typical characteristics for CoDA? On Sunday you were walking & praying for strength to stay gone, by Monday he has yet another chance? What is healthy for you in this relationship that’s making you put up with this lack of trust? The way it reads is he is feeding you breadcrumbs to keep you off his back! Don’t get me wrong, the chat rooms here serve a purpose but they’re not a great indicator of how much effort he is putting into his recovery...By all means lay down what you expect of him but be prepared to be let down! He is not for you to fix I’m aftaid & that is why you must take steps to protect you.

ODAAT,

I hear what you're saying. I had another look at CoDA and I really do not have the typical characteristics. I don't want to do myself a disservice by denying that I need help. In fact, I do need help and I recognise this. I just want to find an organisation that is most suited to me and my needs. I think GamAnon is the one. And I will be in London in a couple of weeks' time for 6-7 weeks, so will go to see them then. I plan to re-locate to London anyway in a few months' time, so it'd make sense for me to go see the same people, for continuity purposes.

I don't really believe him. In fact, I still strongly suspect that he has gambled again, but maybe not using the money from the account I have visibility and control over. How do I find out if he has any other accounts? He has denied he has any other accounts. But I know for a fact that he used PayPal to send me flowers before and suspect he may have a Visa card in addition to the Mastercard which I have control over. For clarification, his wages are paid into this main bank account; but I suspect that he can credit cash (I don't know where from, but he might have other cash) into this PayPal a/c and/ or to support his Visa card.

Actually, I should explain a bit more clearly. I saw an email from Slotto in his inbox over the weekend saying that he'd requested for a change of pw. He denies that he has. How can this email have appeared on his account without his request??!! He has allowed me access to his email as well as given up control over his main bank account, purportedly for full transparency, and that's how I saw that email.

I am not fixing him. He has to fix himself. I'm still planning to leave him. Even if I can't find proof that he gambled this time (which I would prefer but it doesn't really matter at the end of the day), I still plan to walk. I am fed up and do not intend to continue with this miserable and toxic r/s. I'm happy with myself and with my own life, mostly (except for him). I do not need this man in my life, nor do I want him anymore.