Gambling withdrawal symptoms/ physical ailments?

The qualification for membership of CoDA is a desire for loving and healthy relationships, do you qualify on that basis? You genuinely feel that you can’t identify with any of the codependency characteristics, but you’re staying in a harmful situation and continuing to tell him in strong terms what he needs to do to shape up (it’s futile) whilst making equivalent excuses as to why there isn’t a suitable Fellowship for you? Apart from the one that’s presently unavailable. You mentioned drinking, is Al-Anon actually unsuitable or is it potentially too challenging?

In that case, what exactly is going to change to make you less unhappy? Changing your circumstances won’t help unless you can become open to the idea of changing you.

In one sense, it’s fairly irrelevant as to whether or not he gambled because you can’t trust him. You’re suspicious, with good reason and you’re living on the knife edge because your decisions depends on a reaction to what he does when they would be better made in your own best interests.

It’s also fairly irrelevant whether you leave because if you don’t focus on you and look at yourself, you’ll end up gravitating to the next messed up person who needs your help. Two brokens halves don’t make a whole person.

It’s your call.

CW

UP

it's my first time on here and I felt compelled to contact you. I finally separated from my husband 6 months ago I lost count of how many chance I gave him I controlled his money- he pawned my jewellery he now insists that he's 'better' but yet admits to still having the odd bet. It nearly broke me leaving him and I still feel like I've let him down every time I see him but it does get easier. It sounds as though all the trust has gone- and once that's gone- what's the point!

I wish you strength

Cynical wife wrote:

The qualification for membership of CoDA is a desire for loving and healthy relationships, do you qualify on that basis? You genuinely feel that you can’t identify with any of the codependency characteristics, but you’re staying in a harmful situation and continuing to tell him in strong terms what he needs to do to shape up (it’s futile) whilst making equivalent excuses as to why there isn’t a suitable Fellowship for you? Apart from the one that’s presently unavailable. You mentioned drinking, is Al-Anon actually unsuitable or is it potentially too challenging?

In that case, what exactly is going to change to make you less unhappy? Changing your circumstances won’t help unless you can become open to the idea of changing you.

In one sense, it’s fairly irrelevant as to whether or not he gambled because you can’t trust him. You’re suspicious, with good reason and you’re living on the knife edge because your decisions depends on a reaction to what he does when they would be better made in your own best interests.

It’s also fairly irrelevant whether you leave because if you don’t focus on you and look at yourself, you’ll end up gravitating to the next messed up person who needs your help. Two brokens halves don’t make a whole person.

It’s your call.

CW

I fully intend to go to GamAnon. I don't know if there is anything wrong with me that attracted him to me in the first place. I thought the attraction happened bc we were/ still are both physically attracted to each other and we have common interests (like weight-training, eating healthy - yes, I do see the irony) etc. I never ever imagined that he could be a gambler and I've never had to deal with anything like this in the past. I am not thinking of CoDA at the moment bc I've read through the site and don't identify with what I've read, though I do hear what you say and will bear it in mind. Do your recommend that I attend both GamAnon and CoDA? and if so, why?

As far as his drinking is concerned, yes, I do think he has a problem (he doesn't think he does) primarily bc I am a non-drinker. Well, I used to drink but now maybe indulge in a glass of wine once or twice a month. The main thing is that his drinking doesn't affect me like his gambling does. He and I don't live together and he tends to drink when he's alone or out with his mates, and very rarely with me. If he does drink with me, it's usually just a couple of beers and rarely more than 4-5 pints (though I have seen him drink 9-10 pints and I blew my top!!). Tbh, I really can't and don't want to deal with this, on top of his gambling too. And by that, I don't mean that I'd need to fix his drinking problem for him . I just mean that I have enough to deal with as far as his gambling is concerned, I don't want to even start thinking about how his drinking problem might be affecting me.

I've always thought that as soon as I leave him, I should be fine. But maybe you do have a point...I dunno. Meetings with GamAnon should help me to identify what I need to address within myself.

ALN wrote: UP, I don't buy in to the codependency, if your father and brothers had been gamblers and you'd met your partner as a gambler then I'd probably agree. You didn't ask for this but you've found yourself living with it. If all trust is gone then the relationship is on its knees. You either cut all ties and move on, which would probably be the best for you, or stand by him as a friend and support through gamanon. Latter requiring a significant amount of your time and maybe ultimately proving unsuccessful. Either way I wish you the best of luck.

Thank you, ALN, for your input and good luck wish.

I don't fully understand your comment re co-dependency. Would you mind elaborating please?

I've made up my mind that this relationship has run its course. However, for humanity reasons, I don't think I can cut him off completely from my life. He needs helps. I know for instance that the minute I hand back the bank account, he'd start gambling straightaway. He has actually attempted suicide in the past (but realised at the last minute it was a stupid thing to do and vomitted up the pills he'd ingested). He has terrible terrible anxiety/ depression issues. Do you, or anyone else, have any advice on how I can go about helping him without my being dragged down alongside with him? I know that he has to want to help himself, but do I just stand by and watch him self-destruct?

Sam86, thank you so much for stopping by to share your experience and for your wish. I'm sorry to hear of your situation too. I have wondered how many of the family members/ loved ones who have been affected by their CG's actually stay with them. I'm guessing not too many. From reading your post and others', it appears that the gambling is never-ending and the only way to save one's sanity is to break away from them.

Codependency is about accepting unhealthy behaviour in a relationship. That relationship may be mum, dad, brother, sister, partner, parent, employee and employer. It's about our boundaries, learned behaviour and acceptance. In my opinion anyone associated with a compulsive gambler is codependent if they choose to ignore, accept or are ignorant to this unhealthy behaviour. I would bore you with my experience but it won't be relevant. There is another behaviour pattern played out called 'the karpman triangle'. It's all very interesting and we can all say 'that's not me'. We are here. Why? Because we're still in the cycle. Until you look at yourself and stop thinking about what a cg is or isn't doing, you are affected. I am open to criticism, I own my mistakes. I'm just as emotionally unhealthy but I am not compulsive. I took control of what I could, I encouraged meetings, gp etc. You have to detach, accept, admit. Until then you are like my cat, chasing her own tail. Melodie Beattie wrote 'codependent no more'. There are numerous other books. You saying it's over but I'm worried about him, I can't let him do what he wants, gamble or suicide? This is codependent behaviour. Sorry. This is to help you.

It’s that sentence about humanity reasons that’s right at the core of codependency. The inability to let go of something that’s not good for you. The idea that he needs help, specifically your help and he can’t manage without it. Nor could he realise for himself that he needs help and seek it for himself, instead the help has to be handed on a plate to him because he is too incompetent to sort himself out. The idea that his need for help (as perceived by you) is far more important on humanitarian grounds than your need to be healthy and therefore you must continue to supply your own brand of help (Control? Enabling?) to him.

Mature adults (as opposed to toddlers) can manage themselves and by themselves. They learn by mistakes - when they are allowed to feel the consequences. And they learn by their successes. But only when Mother stops doing everything for them and allows them to grow into being their own person.

I stayed because his behaviour and my behaviour changed. It’s always a work in progress but I wouldn’t go back to what was.

CW

MGR, CW, thank you for writing in again. I finally understand what you've been trying to say.

I will go to CoDA meetings as well as GamAnon. I also understand that I have to let him go completely. If he ends up on the street or worse ends up committing suicide, I wouldn't hold myself responsible. It's his life, his choice. It's sad, but I can't do anything about it and I won't, not anymore.

I'm not saying you have to end or let the relationship go. I'm saying you have to recognise these traits in yourself.

Merry go round wrote:

I'm not saying you have to end or let the relationship go. I'm saying you have to recognise these traits in yourself.

I'm trying. This is all new territory for me.

Anyway, the r/s has run its course.