Hi,
i am a little new to this, I will admit the only reason i found out about this forum is because i was paranoid my bf was gambling again so i went on his phone to check, although he went mad and denied he had. (later admitting) i found he had been writing in these. so as ive been affected, and at the moment we are struggling to communicate i thought i could vent on here. if he sees then all being well he will realise and hopefully my thoughts and feelings will get across to him, if he doesnt, im sure ill feel a little bit better.
we have been seeing each other for around 6/7 years now, and although its not always been plain sailing weve managed to sort through c**P and carry on, ive always known hes gambled, hes previously been in many predicaments wheres hes had to tell me he owes money through gambling. hes sworn each time he will stop. but then thinks he has it under control so he thinks a £2 bet here n there to start with is ok, but its always escalated. looking back i dont think he was ever honest to how much of a problem he had. anyway, supported him bla bla bla..
the reason i am here is recently he has admitted twice to me the extent of his problems. last year in june / july time we had been out and had a lovely night. then i found messages from another girl, so i kicked off royally as any other gf would! i asked him what was wrong with me and why he couldnt treat me like a gf should be treated. he broke down and then went on to explain he had been lying to me. he had been gambling and to fund his gambling he had been taking loans out. previously questions after becoming suspicous about some account details i had found. the debt was over 10,000 including. as he was living at home we decided not to tell his parents, and that i would help him out, he had arranged all his bills which left him very little at the end of each month, however i said i didnt mind and was prepared to just find alternate ways to do things, we didnt need to go out, i didnt need an expensive christmas present. i just wanted a normal relationship. that next day i turned up with about £400 in cash that i had been saving in my money pot, the pots you smash to open. it had been my new home fund for us to move out together. he paid a a few payments off. although i know you shouldnt give a gambler money i saw it as i wanted to get our life on track as soon as possible.
over the next couple of months he showed me regularly what he was paying and his bank balance, however 2 month in he became very secrative again, very defensive when i asked, eventhough my money was going on these bills aswell! i could feel myself getting exhausted asking, so i just stopped asking, he reassured me he had control, hes a big boy, i cant mother him. i want to be the gf.
over christmas he was going out a lot! had random wads of cash, he never gave me a straight answer, but being so used to how he acted i just didnt want the argument, because it would always turn on me that i was nagging, i have put my life on hold on numerous occasions for this relationship, mainly due to his cash flow issues. ive not moved out because of him, i had to wait 2 months affter passing my test because he owed me money and promised me he had saving for when i passed. i would like to start a family but we couldnt do that until we moved out, ive not been on holidays because hed rather spend his money on debts.
before christmas he was given £1000 for a holiday for us both through his step dad. which to me his parents know he has a gambling problem, so why they would give him that money just irritates the hell out of me.
it wasnt until the last couple of weeks id been looking at holidays for us to book that he kept giving me excuses. so i kept pushing for this, for him to get me to his parents house, baring in mind i never go, thinking hed halved his debt and wanting to go into the marines (forgot to mention) i though well nows the right time to tell them, at least its not over £10,000.
anyway he proceeded to say he had a problem to them and that it was 10,000 you can imagine my response, i didnt quite hear it first time, so i begged his f###### pardon!! instantly starting to cry that our plans where yet out of the window, and hes also crapped on me. he gave his mum controll of his finances there n then, kick in teeth, that he obviously didnt see the help from me) his step dad well... just said all along i knew you had a problem. no sympathy towards what he has put me through again! nothing. at this poin he now owes me £1,000 probably more bt i can account for £1,000 through bank statements & paypal.
he said he didnt want to split up but doesnt blame me if i did. at this point i was really questioning whether i could be with someone for a further 12 months being skint! and controlled by his mum, for then to bugga off in to marines. because thats his plan, theres no WE in this, its all about him. i feel completely stringed along, and that i have just been a bank to him, i dont for a second doubt he hasnt loved me, but i think his love for gambling has obviously been greater. hes needed me to keep him stood up and instead of being a gf, ive been his mother.
its going on to 3 week now, and him saying he didnt want to split up was his chance to run circles round me, go blue in face saying sorry, being over affectionate to me, his chance to make it up to me and show he really wants to change.
v.day, weve never bothered about, but what a dissapointment, there wasnt anything, and all i crave is some affection. at 24 i shouldnt have to do that. so i felt sick all night while he had turned over and went to sleep knowing that im not happy anymore, im not in relationship and dont feel like i have been for a while, i am actually bored. so i text him while he was at work, wanting so much for this man to tell me to stop being daft like normal, and he will try his best, but he agreed. i have no doubt in my mind if gambling for him was not involved our lifes would be very different.
im very sad we didnt achieve much in the last 6 years, however im also glad, i wouldnt like to have been in the situation where i had a mortgage and kids.
our current situation is .. i dont know. i dont know what i want, he doesnt know what wants, neither of us really believe in breaks, but splitting up after all this time, despite how much hes put me through ive loved this man very much, because when you love someone you sacrifce. but im also ready for giving up. id like people to see it through my point, that i am mentally, physically and emotionally drained as a partner of a gambler, its a problem / addiction is a disease i identify that. we have decided to give each other some breathing space and not contact each other for a while and last night for the first time in 6 months we spoke to each other and communicated what we felt we both needed to do. im under no illusion we will be together, its as clear as mud at the moment. im taking this time to figure out everything and put my life first. because if you dont who will?
i wish everyone all the best in there recovery, its not easy for anyone involved.
A x
Wow, your have been through a lot. As a wife of a cg I can relate to a lot of how you are feeling. You want some acknowledgement for what you are dealing with, what you have lost and sacrificed but I've found gamblers are selfish people. They only seem to be able to think about poor old them. I constantly feel everything is about my husband- he needs my support not me making it worse by throwing my feelings into the mix. This is very hard to take when you extend to them care for their feelings when they are incapable of extending the same to you and then a simple thing comes along like Valentine day and you think perhaps today they will show they care, just a small gesture, anything but no nothing too wrapped up feeling sorry for themselves. You deserve better!!! Also the bail outs, bet he loves you and is appreciative of you until you hand over the cash, as soon as you give him what he wants not so interested in you? I really believe in actual fact he has done you a favor, your not married, your not living together, you don't have kids and now you have a get out of jail free card to go and move on and enjoy your life in the knowledge you tried your best. Don't look back!
Agreed with 'Back-in-Silence' and this coming from other side of the coin.
As gambling addicts there really isnt anything else we think of but our sad, sly next fix and to hell with anyone close or around us... I aplogies for any bluntness but its just how i see it. Your bf's responce about 'not wanting to break up but wouldn't blame you' is the manipulation of addiction with our ' woe, poor me ' attitude.
I kinda get his reaction from his folks, its a trait of a gambler to live a life of Peter Pan and never acually growing up. Our percieved happiness is a pot o gold in the form of gambling.
On the flip side, your bf found this forum and is seeking change. And now its your decision, which is a tough one, whether your going to hang around.
Look after You
Hi there , I'm really sorry youv'e been affected the way you have by your partners gambling , we are all selfish when gambling and don't always realise what were putting those closest to us through .
Having said that , I think that youve answered all your own questions and it really boils down to how much your prepared to put up with ? , your partner wont change his habits and stop gambling unless he wants to and only you know if you feel he will .You are in a better position than most that although you have been together for 6 years and are obviously close you dont have the tie of children or a house together and although it would be sad if you parted you could just walk away and continue with your life .
I would personally give yourself a time frame to decide if you feel anything has or is going to change and at the end of that period then decide if you stay or go , It's your decision and you have the rest of your life to live so I really don't think people would judge you which ever way you decide .
I hope things improve for you and best wishes !
A time frame is a really good idea!!
thank you everyone, i couldnt possibly write everything that has happened and what he has done in the last 6 years, but i credit myself that i am one heck of a gf! and when i committ to someone i really do. he has to live with himself that i would have married this man tomorrow given the chance he never had this problem, or would have sorted himself out sooner.
ive sat in my office this morning thinking how the hell am i meant to do a days worth of paper work thats piled up when ive this on my mind. but writing on here as actually cleared my head. and i used to write all the time, on blogs, forums etc ive always found it helped, but i got caught up in looking after someone else that i forgot to look after myself.
reading it back i know ive answered my own questions.
I know there are no truer words spoken then what you have all said. and i agree at the moment i need the time frame to just collect myself together. i want that fire in my belly again, and if he cant give me it then its time for the next chapter.
thanks for all your comments, i wasnt expecting any!
A x
[quote=volcano]
I kinda get his reaction from his folks, its a trait of a gambler to live a life of Peter Pan and never acually growing up. Our percieved happiness is a pot o gold in the form of gambling.
funnily enough he has compared himself to peter pan on many occasions.!
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