Have I done the right thing?

you dont have to know or decide what you are doing with the ret of your life right noe, you dont have to sort it all out today.

so today you needed some space, i totally understand why you have thrown him out. enjoy your space today, tomorrow decide what you will do with tomorrow, dont think too far a head, it gets overwhelming.

"just for today, i am going to be quiet and have a bath and watch my choice of tv". thats good enough, you dont need to do any more than that

tomorrow morning you can decide to stay in bed, or change the world, but thats tomorrow, it isnt here yet.

Hi beth

Iam a cg in recovery and i can only give some insight into our perspective. Listen to the great advice given by pangolin, have some space so you can think about it and then you can decide whether it id right for you. From my perspective sometimes someone forgiven you without real consequences like being thrown out sometimes can have an effect so maybe throwing him out even if it's only temporary may be the real wake up call he needs to reach rock bottom. I don't know what you hsve been through with him in the past but if you do take him back in your position i would insist to have control of all finances, get him to get counselling and/or attend GA, have access to any accounts and limit any money he has access to if you haven't tried this already and make it clear this is his final and only chance to rebuild the relationship if you want to take him back. If he agrees then that shows he is serious about wanting to stop, if he is against it then he still doesn't really want to stop in my eyes. I admitted to everyone i had a problem, handed over my finance, got blocking software, excluded from all sitesand have very limited access to funds. This is working for me as i really do want to stop. Hope this may help a little or ignore it if it is not appropriate. Hope you are ok.

Bex

Hi beth01

I am a recovering CG

Apologies only go so far. It's his actions that will tell you if he is sincere or not.

As anon1982 has said, counselling and/or GA should be his first course of action. He has to want to stop gambling. He can't/won't do it by himself. Only by addressing his problem will he change.

There are endless 'rockbottoms'. We can reach one rockbottom and say "no more I have had enough", only to discover that there will be more rockbottoms. There has to be a genuine effort on his part to beat the addiction, otherwise I feel he will find more 'rockbottoms' exist, like so many of us did.

As Pangolin suggests, take it easy on yourself, a bit of quiet time for you will never go astray.

Take care

Hey guys,

Thanks for the support. I think last night was the hardest night I've ever had, and today I just feel emotionally drained. He's done the counselling thing before and never stuck at it saying it didn't work for him, I don't know if that was because even if he wasn't really aware of it he didn't want to stop or if it honestly doesn't work for him.

He's not religious either so I don't know if going to GA would be of any help to him either. I've told him the ball is in his court now, if he wants to sort things out he has to be the one to instigate it and to take control of his life back it needs to come from him not from me just taking all his cards off him and monitoring his online accounts.

Hopefully things will work themselves out, I've got my fingers crossed that this time he finally cracks it and is determined to get better.

Thanks,

Beth

Beth01,

Have you tried Gam-Anon for assistance for you ?. It's not just all about him.

I'd get access to his credit file as well if you can to see just what debt he has on.

I take it you have already protected your finances from him. ie definitely no joint bank accounts or second card holder on you cc accounts. Stuff like that ?

I'm not sure from your description if he's ready at all to quit. I was a CG and it takes some determination to do so and the initial will/intention has obviously to be apparent. Softsoping and humble apologies are all very well but action has to be taken by the CG themselves.

Be very cautious for the forseeable future and protect your personal finances.

I know some of the stuff I've mentioned may be obvious and I'm not trying to "teach my granny to suck eggs". Just look after your own interests.

Take Care Now.

GA and Gam anon, in my experience, do go out of their way to say that you do not have to be religious for the 12 step programme to work. Compulsive gambling, the disease, respects no religion, race or anyway that we think to categorize ourselves, it can affect anyone.

Gam anon has been great for me, i know its not me that needs "fixing", but its me bearing the burden, you know?

GA is in no way a religious organization. It is a group of fellow compulsive gamblers coming together in order to arrest their addiction

Within the 12 step recovery program the word God is mentioned just twice once in step 7 & then again in step 11. Both times they are in the context of a God of your understanding. There is no ulterior motive behind GA other than to extend the hand of friendship to other compulsive gamblers

"the god of your understanding", to me means a something between "common sense" and "what goes around comes around", i'm not religious so i think of there being something sometimes you just have to trust and crack on with doing the right thing. I have never felt any relgion was imposed on me.

Thanks for your replies everyone. He's actually said suggested going to a GA meeting when I said they went on the same time as GamAnon which I will be starting next week as I need to speak to me supervisor to make sure I have that night off.

Mr stop the only thing we have joint is the mortgage, but that comes out of my account so I know it will always be paid. I've been in charge of finances for a while now, it's how I spotted it before it became a bigger financial issue.

I'm struggling to see if I'm doing the right thing and feel very lost at the minute. The wedding is booked for November and right now I don't know if me staying in the relationship is holding him back from recovery. I don't want us to break up, far from it, but I don't want to hold him back in his road to recovering. He's staying at his mothers at the moment because I don't know the best course of action in making him realise that their are consequences to his actions and lying about slip ups to me.

Sorry for venting a bit, thought I was doing alright today but coming home to the empty house was harder than I expected.

Beth

Hi beth01

The only person that will hold back his recovery is himself. He is the only one that can fix the problem. He has to want to stop.

You can support him and guide him. You can help him by putting up barriers. Make it harder for him to access money. etc. Ultimately though, it all rests on his shoulders. If he wants to gamble, there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop him.

Best wishes

You're doing everything i would suggest you do, it's up to him to make it work.

I hope your gam anon meeting is as supportive for you as mine have been for me.

All the best, let us know how you get on