He just forgets I exist.

Hi Exasperated, welcome to the forum 🙂

I’ll be completely frank with you & say I’m struggling to see what’s in this relationship for you? I get that your body clock is ticking but what you write isn’t a normal healthy relationship! The 1st alarm bell being why do you have to sell your house (I can hear my Nan saying “Always keep a roof over your head!”) & secondly, why do you not know the family when he is a 40 year old living @ home despite a rental property. Us gamblers live in a fairytale & either he’s @ home having his meals cooked & washing done (in which case do you really want to take on that role) or he’s watching the pennies because his Champagne Charlie lifestyle comes @ a cost. If you’re trying to have adult conversations with someone you love & they are away with the fairies, you have to accept that something isn’t right. This may sting but what is it in you that makes it ok for him to treat you like this? It might be fixable if he were remotely interested in doing so but he’s treating you like a mug & you don’t deserve that. If money is no object to the extent that he can throw it away gambling, I was going to say I don’t understand why he would make such a big deal out of helping you out but that’s all part of his manipulation...Aren’t you a lucky girl having him help you out financially (is what he’s saying every time he reminds you). He’s controlling you just like he is when he starts pacing...It feels like another woman because gambling is his 1st love I’m afraid. I get that he’s not rinsing you financially (yet) but he’s hurting you psychologically & you have some work to do on making yourself strong. I would usually be pushing you to a GamAnon meeting @ this point in the conversation but I think CoDA might be more relevant here...GamCare also offer a free counselling service which you may find hugely beneficial. 5 years of on off is a long time & you need to find some support & strength to help you figure out what you want and need going forwards because no-one deserves to feel lonely like you are.

Living with a compulsive gambler is incredibly difficult, living with an active one is destructive. Don’t dig yourself in any deeper...You can’t put your life on hold hoping for him to come round. You don’t have to hurt like this, you are fixable - ODAAT

Wow everything you’ve said I can’t argue. I’ve never looked at his living situation like that he’d lose his lavish nature and yes instead of giving the money to pay bills Im having to keep asking which I hate and have to keep asking if I can buy Things. He is controlling I’ve always known that but I always cover that with I need it a little I do go a tad off the rails when I’m upset!! I feel stupid because I’m back to 12 months ago it’s Humiliating.

I thought maybe I was silly for posting as I don’t have it as bad as others but it’s just a different type of problem

Thank you for your honesty

Hi exasperated! I think your name describes how many of us feel. Gambling is not about money. You are seeing an active gambler who thinks money is poker chips, gambling tokens not to be wasted on real life expenses. Selfish, manipulative, isolating, blaming. All behaviours of 'the game'. I have experienced the isolation from his family too, I think in my case it was so I didn't find out the full extent, plus they wanted me to look after him and not them. As you know about his gambling you are at an advantage and you are going to be helped by hearing our opinions before you make commitment. As Odaat says why do you have to sell your house? I wouldn't do that and if I did I would keep the money in my name. What do you really know about his financial situation? If you continue with him still playing nothing will change. You will still be lonely. If I had known I would have taken over the finances, there would have been less damage. It doesn't stop them gambling but it gives you control of bills etc. Don't feel stupid, gamblers will do everything they can to keep playing. This is not your fault, it hasn't happened because you're not intelligent. Here you are asking questions because you feel it's a problem and it is. Compulsive gambling is progressive, it gets worse. Then the debts start. He may never be in debt, he may think he can afford it, but it's the behaviour that you cannot live with. A gambler loves gambling more than you. You say you get upset and go off the rails. I did that, he was never listening never helping. It sends you bonkers, you become irrational. They convince you you're the one with the problem. It's not you. Get strong and make a few life changes, not mistakes. Don't feel humiliated, feel wise! Don't spend another Christmas waiting for him to finish his game. You need to work out if you can live with this. Talking to him is not working. Look after you, safeguard your money.

I bought my house as a single, my ex husband lived here. He says he doesn’t want to live in it. To be honest I hate my house HATE it! So selling it is so I can move on too. But it’s looking less likely now. We had the heart to heart Friday I thought he listened he still left to play poker! (It’s the last Friday of his holidays!!!!) he goes every Friday!!! I wake up Saturday he says he morning I don’t reply I then say I don’t have words for him. That I can’t carry on.... he ignored and plays day 2! He ignored me so I contact him “He played grim” this morning I find out not only did he play day 2 he then went to another comp “well you weren’t talking to me” blame game eh! He says since I lost my job I moan so no he doesn’t want to spend time with me! I acknowledge that an Independent woman suddenly with no job... then my car broke and I’ve had no car.... I’ve been rock bottom but to add to that I’ve been insecure and yes moaning!!! But I acknowledge and apologise for that he shows no remorse as he isn’t sorry I know he isn’t!! I really don’t know what to do! My head is saying stop being pathetic, man up! Be you again. I just fall soft I try to see the good. He thinks the poker is done as it’s the holidays. Well when does my festive holiday start!! He’s sorry I feel he ruined his Xmas! He’s sorry I feel that way... we all know that’s a brush off! It’s like banging my head against a wall!!

I’m venting sorry about that

Hi exasperated you're playing into his hands. Waiting for an apology that's not coming. The only person you can change is you. Yesterday is gone, today is what we are dealing with. Compulsive gamblers aren't reliable, emotionally unsupportive. Start putting yourself first. Do what you want.

Hi,

Echo advice to go to CoDA and GamAnon to learn how to look after yourself. If he also drinks, you would qualify for AlAnon. Start regular meetings and stick with it, however uncomfortable it may be from time to time.

Would advise you to read round the forum and educate yourself generally about addiction. It’s easier to deal with manipulation if you recognise it as such, instead of taking on blame that’s not yours.

You didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it and you can’t Cure it. No need to take on the blame but also know that you can’t change him into a decent human being just by the force of your love. He’s using and therefore you’re a poor second. But the hard question is for you to look at you and consider is why you find what he dishes out acceptable to you. A healthy woman would be repelled, not attracted by such behaviour. And if your former husband treated you in a similar fashion, until and unless you do some work on yourself, the pattern will continue in all of your future relationships.

A house is simply bricks and mortar, it’s inanimate. You can make what you will of it, sell it and buy another if that’s what you want but a new house won’t of itself make a new you or a new relationship or a new life. You have to do that for yourself, the best guidance will come from CoDA or equivalent.

You have your own value, know your worth.

CW

Thank you all for the input certainly have work to do

Hi - just to add to the adivce given, please think very carefully about entering into a mor serious commitment to this guy. I had a house before I met my husband(ex) and we got married, now he is trying to get me to pay him large amount of money, money he has never had himself, or sell my house as a divorce settlement, this is because gambling takes over all sense of reasonableness and has convinced him that he is entitled. If you do decide to stay together abd have children/or ger arried, i would seriously recomend so pre nup agreement, if you akready know he is a gambler then he should be supportive of you needing this for your own security, and one day it may be your childs security and that becomes the most important thing in your world. take care

Thank you for the additional advise. At the moment I don’t know which way to turn. Nye we had a nice night, he was ill all week after soon as he’s Better I get palmed off so we haven’t spoke in a few days! I’ve no doubt he’ll be passing his time playing poker but for the first time I’ve not contacted him... my friends are really supportive not judgemental but will support any decision. I just refuse to continue how it was so think my spine is finally back and I know I won’t put up with this rubbish. I’m back working as of last week so will be busy learning!! Let’s just see what happens next. Right now I’m focussed on me!!!

Good for you!