Hello as67

Hi wal1957

Im still here I have a read and see how everyone is doing. We still havent heard anything from our son and honestly Im struggling Im a bit of a snotty crying mess most of the time, I miss him so much and really have to stop myself going to find him and bring him home. I know tough love is the answer and we will continue to do so but its so d**n hard. My husband and I are doing our best to get back to some kind of normal life and that part feels good and the house is quiet and calm and not having my son in "my face" all the time is good too. Ive had so much wonderful advise from very wise people on here and its whats given me the strengh to stick up for myself and I wouldnt have it any other way now, I cant live with my son while hes so poorly. Actually I was going to ask you a question if thats okay ?, do we at some point go looking for him and see how he is, or do we wait for him to contact us. He was very poorly totally delusional the last time we saw him 3 weeks ago and he was far from ready to get help but he did say that he was going to speak to someone about getting some help. I really dont think it was his desicion and he was going because hed been told he had to by his university that if he wanted to get back in after being suspended, and be able to get his student loan back it was on the condition he got help first. I have no way of knowing if hes done anything, for all I know he could be the same or even worse which is hard to imagine. I dont know if its the addiction or if its just him but hes very stubborn, I dont think he would tell us even if he was doing well, hes told us he hates us often enough. I know that the rent on his flat is paid up for the next 2 weeks and after that he has nowhere to live, - well that was the case 3 weeks ago. Sorry wal for waffling Id really appreciate your thoughts on this Im driving myself mad with "what if's"

Thanks

Hi as67

Good to hear from you. 🙂

I am glad that you have some normality back in your life.

If you feel up to contacting him, I think that would be okay. Maybe a phone call? It could go well and he may be be grateful for the contact or he might become abusive. If he gets abusive at all, end the phone call.

Don't forget the tough love part. Don't offer him any form of bailout. What is happening to him at the moment is only the tip of the iceberg if he continues his gambling days. He has been given the chance to continue his education if he reforms his ways, so hopefully that maybe incentive enough.

I forget if you are getting any counselling? I hope you are. Don't bottle things up, it's not healthy for you.

I am sure Pangolin will pop along here with wiser words than me, she is definitely a sage of distinction. Either way, read the replies you will get here and then make your decision on whether you should contact him.

Take care 🙂

Thanks wal1957

Im still waiting for an appointment for a councillor, I thought I would of by now so I think I'll give them a call, I really need to go. My husband says how will "talking " change the situaution and its not for him, fair enough but I know I need it. I think just at this moment I wont contact him, I think I would like to have seen the councillor first I need to feel a bit stonger ( if thats the right word) before I speak to him, and have it sorted in my head before I say anything to him. I do want to give him the benefit of the doubt but hes proven many times that he sees anything I do or say as weakness and manipulates me into getting what he wants, I wouldnt know if he was telling me the truth or just another one of these times. My husband is a good man, kind and caring but tougher in some ways than me and funnily enough our son rarely ever tries to manipulate his dad in the way he does me, and I wonder if any calls in the future should made just by him. My husband says Im a push over when it comes to our son and thats what he takes advantage of ,although I am a lot tougher than I used to be. We will carry on with the tough love and anything we do will be on our terms not his but I honestly feel like we dont know what we're doing.

Thanks wal1957 for your wise words as always

Ann

Hi as67

By all means if you don't feel up to it, don't call him. The outcome would be unknown, so if you aren't prepared for a possible bad response, you would be better off waiting until you are.

If your husband is happy to make contact, by all means do so. Again only if he is up to accepting any possible outcome.

You wrote..." I do want to give him the benefit of the doubt but hes proven many times that he sees anything I do or say as weakness and manipulates me into getting what he wants, I wouldnt know if he was telling me the truth or just another one of these times.".....Never forget this, the manipulation will continue whilst he is gambling, don't make any decisions with your heart, use your head instead.

BTW you know a hell of a lot more than you may think.

Take care

Thanks wal1957

I have days when I doubt myself and today was one of them, and feeling a bit sorry for myself, not any more :), your advice and support is priceless

Ann

Hi wal1957

How are you doing ? do you feel like you're back to what I call "normal life" just day to day stuff the same as everyone else, and if you dont think Im too rude did you have a rock bottom and realise it for yourself ? Can I also ask that once you realised what impact your gambling had on your family did you want to put things right or did they make the first move. I hope Im not offending you in anyway but it does help to see things from both sides and you can give me such inisight into whats going through my sons mind.

Thanks

I think Wal has it all covered, theres nothing to add really. Keep going, let your husband be the strong one if he feels he can do it in this case, we dont have to all be strong about everything.

Strong is a personal thing anyway, my Dad is the strongest person I know but hand him a shopping list with tampax on it or put a crying baby in his arms and he's bloomin useless.

Hi Pangolin

Well said as always. I am getting tougher and in general doing better, just a bit of a rubbish day today, which we all get. Theres been 2 birthdays in here in the last week and the cards are still up and no card for either birthday from my son, didnt really expect any but there was a little bit of me hoped he'd remember or even care. So I think its just been one of those off days we all get.

Thanks for your support 🙂

HAPPY belated BIRTHDAY to you & your hubbie!

Try not to over analyse your son Ann, whilst gambling, we think of nothing but the next big win! Even when our minds twitch away @ where we should be or what we could be doing, we quiet it & get on with the 'job' in hand! He is not ready to have the benefit of the doubt afforded to him yet...Once he starts trying to make real amends you can do this if you still feel the need then!

Don't give up on him but more importantly, look after you - ODAAT

Hi ODAAT

I promised myself a while ago that I wouldnt analyse my son and was doing well but seem to of forgotten that today. Thank you for reminding me, its a waste of time and energy and totally pointless. Also thank you for your birthday wishes, not the birthdays we usually have, but nice all the same, our other son spoiled us and we got to spend the day with him. I have to stop myself worrying about what the future holds for him and us and just take it one day at a time for his sake and ours, just the same as everyone else on this forum. I think today has just been one of those rubbish days we all get from time to time. As always wise people on this forum set me right and the support helps on those rubbish days. Thank you for your advise and support

Ann

Hi as67

I wrote this in reply to sillylass in the new members section

wal1957 wrote:

Hi sillylass

I'm in Australia, my vice was mainly the pokies ( I think they are called fruit machines in the UK ). I've always been a bit of a punter, but I used to only have a punt on the horses on the weekends, a set limit and no more.

From about 1998 on I started to gamble much more on the pokies. They are very addictive. It wasn't uncommon for me to spend 12 hours a day at a venue. My longest stint was 24 hours at a casino. The last 2 to 3 years of my gambling were the most depressing of my life. I had 7 credit cards, all maxed out, I had refinanced my house 4 times, and nil cash in the bank. Then I committed the ultimate sin, I stole from my sister to finance my gambling. I absolutely hated myself. I attempted suicide as I couldn't see any way out of the mess I was in. That was January, 2008.

I am an analytical sort of bloke, so I worked out roughly how much I had thrown into the pokies. Roughly speaking, I had gambled away 10 times my yearly wage. That money is gone, never to be recovered.

I am now 57 years young, and if I am lucky enough to be still working at the age of 72 or so, my debts will be repayed.

GA has been my saving grace. I went to my first meeting january 2008. I had a big bust about 3 years ago which lasted for approx 6 months, but I have been clean ever since.

That's the condensed version of my so-called love affair with gambling. I openly admit that I loved it, whilst I knew at the same time that it was destroying my life. That it was an addiction does.

Take care

So I did hit a rockbottom as such, towards the end the self loathing was unbelievable. I was constantly being hounded by finance companies for payment. Phone calls at home and work. Very embarassing.

I absolutely felt remorseful for what I did and have tried to atone for my past misdeeds. My sister has been repaid and we get along very well. I have been lucky in that she is a very forgiving person. For that I am both eternally grateful and humbled, because if the positions were reversed I truly don't know whether I could be so generous.

I am as normal as I can be nowadays. I keep myself busy lest I get an urge.

The most important thing is that I like myself again. Unless you have been in a position where you are in utter dispare, and you loathe the very sight of yourself in the mirror, you can't appreciate how good that feels.

I hope this helps you? Please don't feel embarassed about asking me a question re my gambling. I am happy to share any of my experiences if it helps either a gambler or a family member.

PS... of the gamblers who have suicidal thoughts, very few act. Please don't worry about this aspect.

Best wishes

Hi wal1957

Thank you for your reply I was a little worried that I stepped over the line. Even though my son is still very young your story is very similar to his, as Im sure many other can say too. As far as I know he doesnt have a favourite way to gamble its pretty much anything and everything, but he really does like the fruit machines, he has been seen sat at one for hours on end several times. Ive mentioned here just how nasty and abusive he can get but I see hes desperately unhappy and thats the bit I find the hardest out of everything, his self esteem is zero and I really think he has depression. He has mentioned suicide several times, and I can honestly say Ive never been more scared when he talks like that, my husband is convinced he only says that as a last ditch effort to get what he wants or hes been found out lying. Of course we take it very seriously, but your reassurance has given me a little peace of mind.

If you took away the gambling and looked from the outside in you would say he had a great life, a family who love him, a happy family home, he was great to be with, great sense of humour and hes very intelligent, an A* student and has a lovely girlfriend, so you can see why I struggle to understand what went wrong. He doesnt even look like himself anymore, looks deshevelled and down at heel, very sad to see. I do know I'll probably never know why this happened and Im guessing he doesnt know either.

I admire your courage and honesty and say well done you're doing so well, and it gives me hope that my son can get well too. Your support on this forum helps so many people, both gamblers and their loved ones, far more than I think you will ever know. Yesterday wasnt so good for me but today feels a little brighter and more hopeful with your advice and support. Thank you

Ann

I

Hi as67

I do appreciate your words. Thank you. In all honesty, one of the reasons that I venture on to these forums is because it helps to remind me of my past. It keeps me on my toes, so to speak.

I was, and am a very quiet peaceful bloke. Your son tends toward aggressive behaviour (at least he does now), especially under stress. No 2 gamblers are alike, yet we do all have similarities that we can relate to.

From my limited reading of suicide, most people who talk about it, never do it. I never talked about it, I planned what I was going to do, and went on my merry way and did it. Don't take what I am saying as gospel, as I say I have only done limited reading on this.

You wrote..."If you took away the gambling and looked from the outside in you would say he had a great life, a family who love him, a happy family home, he was great to be with, great sense of humour and hes very intelligent, an A* student and has a lovely girlfriend, so you can see why I struggle to understand what went wrong."..... The vast majority of what you have written applies to me, and probably to 1,000's of gamblers.

The addiction has no economic,racial, educational or upbringing leanings. I believe that CG's are just wired a little bit differently, and once the adrenalin starts flowing with that first bet, the urge to gamble is unrelenting. What I am really saying here is don't try to second guess the what if's. The addiction that has currently got hold of him is in no way your fault.

Take care 🙂

Hi Ann

Followed your story and worry for your son. I'm currently trying to get out of gambling. I'm 24 years old and have been gambling 7 years. At first it was ВЈ1 here and there and now it's at the point I can put ВЈ500/£600 in the machines and still want to go for more. I've noticed my problem at an early stage so hopefully can clear it out of my life. I'm on day 3 of not betting.

If I can be of any help please drop me a message

God bless you

T