hello! glad i'm not alone in this...

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Hi foonly from a practical point of view I'd really encourage you NOT to take out a loan in your name for fear you would be left alone to pay it back. I did and.it took a long time and sacrifices to clear it while my husband simply walked.away.. I'd also rip the credit card in two and throw.it out. What if she got at it? Alternatily I'd leave it in my parents house or somewhere where she has no hope of access. Sounds like you are in knots trying to sort everything out. +Poor you you have my sympathies. Give yourself a break if you can. Do you really want this for a life.

PS don't keep secrets against your will. The truth will out anyway

Hi there

She won't want you to tell her parents because of shame....in the end I told my now exes parents,was accused of being a betrayer and also on occasion felt scapegoated if I tried to protect myself....

Any addiction carries secrecy...this is how other people are affected by it...the secrecy is a form of emotional blackmail as what they person is really saying is..tell and I shall leave you.

It takes real guts for a person to let others in ...plus why should you carry this alone and have your future ruined financially or at least a heavy burden on it...?

In my opinion given the severity and nature of this disease her parents need to be involved...the more people who know and become aware the less the addiction can fool people as all of you can work in unison ...

Initially if you tell there will still be denial..my ex went from betting on his folks laptop when we used to visit.they blocked it and thought that it was stopped...

It was me again who had to be the whistle blower and tell them that he was spending all the time he was on the toilet because he was betting with his iPhone.....something he also did in the gents in his work .

This deviousness of this illness will always try and find a way as it can only be played out in secrecy...she sounds a long way off rock bottom and as maggiemsays you have to stop bailing her out....even if her parents choose to that's up to them...

The reality is that if you go ahead and buy this house even if her parents know and start bailing her .what happens if further down the line the parents stop helping and do tough love.?...you will be left carrying the whole mortgage if you are going for a joint one plus bailing out more gambling debts.

Truthfully ..if you can afford the mortgage in just your name then go for it...as all the work you are doing to build a future and pay for it will be wiped out ...do not go into any joint finances with a gambler.

leave yourself with no spare cash as in my experience spare cash just means....more facility to pay off gambling debts....

Make sure all your money is tied up or given to your parents or trusted friend out of your name.

Sorry for sounding harsh but that's the reality..this illness will strip you of everything and you will always resentful...and eventually the love is killed.

Rachel x

hi,

my partner has been a compulsive gambler for the past 10 years and I have experienced all sorts of situations because of it. I have been told that it's my fault and that I am the one who lets it happen, I have been told that I don't support him enough because I don't help him pay off his debts. I've had complaints from my neighbours because of the noise from my house when full blown arguments erupt.

I know how hard it can be to take a step back and and look at the problem from a outside perspective but I did and it made me realise that it could not be up to me to sort out the situation. i had to come to terms with the fact that there was not much I could achieve by making all the changes myself and that at the end of the day it was not my fault.

Please don't blame yourself or take all the burden of preventing your gf from gambling as it should be her who wants to stop with support coming from you.

I hope everything works out for you but I can't help feeling that your gf is not quite ready to give up if you are having to police every aspect of her life.

Monica x

Thanks for the replies, will reply properly soon... Gf had a relapse yesterday, and today she didn't turn up to work. I found her at home crying in the bath.

Despite seeing her gp she has had no help since my last post and even trying toget an urgent appointment doesn't seemto work. We are just going down to thewalk in centre to see if we can see someone TODAY...

If we don't getanywhere, ill try the gamcare helpline.

Cheers.

Hi Foonly

I feel for you ! I am in a similar situation, my boyfriend is a gambler and I have also taken his bank card and full controle of his finaces but that does not solve his problem, he has to attaned GA meetings and talk to a online counsellor on this website and keep a diary on here too. She needs to be ready to stop. I say if you found her in such a state then maybe she is.

I also told my boyfriends mum and sister and he agreed i could after his second relapse . The only thing I can say is i am learning more and more each time he relapses and by coming on here for help.

I am hoping this is it now and he is on the long road to recovery. I hope your girlfriend also choses the long and hard road and makes steps to stop!

good luck - my advice is keep doing what you are doing, be carful of the loan and tell her family , confinde in one friend you can trust, get K9 blocker for her phone and get her professional help if she is ready for it that is. She needs to want to stop

Good luck !!! xx

thanks for the replies everyone. its been a hard few weeks.

gf had a bit of a relapse over the last week, and ended up having a bit of a breakdown last night. she is ok now, but it got scary for a little while there...

fortunately, her credit is now so poor that she is unable to get access to money apart from payday type sites, of which i have blocked access to where possible.

last night, i installed the f-secure child safe browser, but one of the first gaming sites she tried worked straight away on it, although most others were blocked. at £1.99 it seemed like a good investment, but i'm going to try k9 now and see how i get on. if that doesnt work (childsafe doesnt seem to allow custom blacklists, which is a *major* flaw IMO) then i'm going to stump up the $20 for the opendns umbrella subscription which DOES work on IOS devices. opendns works perfectly on the home wifi, but doesnt cover any mobile traffic. whilst i was going to take her phone off her and replace it with a basic non-data/web phone, the benefits to having an iphone are many. for me, the most important feature is "find my iphone" which means i can locate it from wherever i am and/or trigger the alarm on it/lock it/etc. its just a shame i cant set it so that it sends me an alert every time she goes near a betting shop/arcade! 🙂

if anyone has any technical queries about trying to lock things down for people, feel free to ask, i've become quite adept at it over the last few months.

I've also now *completely* taken over her finances. online banking passwords have been changed so she can't get in, all bank cards have been reported stolen so that she cant use them on any sites that had previously stored her details, and the new cards will be locked away on my desk at work where she can't get to them.

one tip for you.. the lockable cash box that wilkos sell is *useless*. i've just ordered a small house safe to store things in (as well as my valuables) - hopefully this will prove a bit more difficult to access! (it was the "Sentry Safe X075 Electronic Lock Laptop safe with Access for Power Cord" from amazon if anyone is interested - there were cheaper ones, but i figured i could also keep my laptop in it when i'm on holiday)

as for telling people... after the last relapse around a month ago, i couldnt take it any more, so i drove round to her parents and told them everything. not surprisingly, they have been extremely supportive. I've also told a few of my friends, and it was a *massive* relief for me. I only wish i had done it sooner. its just good to know theres a couple of people i can call if ever i need to escape and go to the pub for a few hours and rant about it all. My boss also knows now, although not all the details... he has been great, and has kept off my back for the last few weeks, as well as letting me disappear randomly if i needed to go to any appointments or anything.

anyway, i suppose i should go get some work done.

again, thanks all!

I also told his parents as you can't carry it alone and maintain your own life ....I was accused of betrayal and the prospect of him never telling me anything again...but his folks now sadly have to be the strong ones as I left in the end ...

I won't go on but you seem to be strong in dealing with it

All the best

R xx

Hi,

This is my first post and after too long my husband has been able to admit that he has a problem and needs help. A massive first step.

I asked him to leave after I discovered he was still gambling as I was so angry that the lies had continued. I cannot understand what makes an intelligent and talented man continue to gamble when he knows that he will lose everything as an outcome.

I have read a lot of posts and I know that there will be those out there who think I'm an idiot but I have agreed for him to come back and that I will support him with his recovery.

He has now gone 5 days without gambling (he tells me) which I'm really proud of and want to help him find himself again.

I know absolutely nothing about gambling, I've never even entered a bookies and certainly have no desire to now! I've told him that he can come back if he surrenders all financial control, as recommended, and that whilst I'm out at work he has no Internet access or car keys. We sold his iphone after i discovered his gambling in october so has no phone internet which is a bonus. He is getting counselling and attending GA which seem to be helping.

What else should I be doing to give him the space to find himself again without just taking responsibility whilst minimising the opportunities to gamble?

Hi Jane6

Well your not an idiot if he is committed to proper recovery and choosing abstinence to not bet one day at a time ..But he is an idiot if he has been given a stave of execution and buggers it up again..

We all have our tolerance levels and everyone's different but if you can support him through recovery then more power to you ....

No idea how to answer your last question but im sure some of the CGs in recovery will be along to very soon .

R and D xxx

hiya,

just thought i'd post an update. it's been one hell of a year, but things seem to be going ok at the moment...

she had a minor blip a few months ago by going to some arcade near her work on the way home, but she "only" lost £100 and admitted things almost straight away. but as far as i can tell (by checking her banking history) she hasnt done anything since. now, if she isnt home by 5:40pm, i'll fire up the "find my iphone" app and see where she is. most of the time when ive checked she's usually walking down the street from the bus stop and is through the door within a few minutes. it really is a VERY useful app to have! (and one of the main reasons why i wanted her to keep her iphone instead of going for a phone with no internet access whatsoever)

she's been to various counselling sessions, but feels it isnt something that works (most of it seems to be "find a distraction and do that instead" type advice, which i guess works to a certain extent, but doesnt really get to the root of the issue. we're hoping her works' medical cover will sort out something private soon though)

I'm still keeping on top of her when i can, her phone browser is still locked down and cant access loads of thing (K9 web protection browser. free from the app store). use it to replace the default browser and lock access to it. also changing itunes account password so she can't install anything without my permission) - at home, we use openDNS to block access to websites.

i've changed her online bank account info, so she cant log on without my permission either. she can check her account using the ********* fastbalance app, but cant do anything else without me logging in for her

i've got to the point where i trust her enough to give her back her bank card occasionally. so far so good. i still tend to keep it in the safe though, and just let her have £20 in cash at any one time.

we're still a long way off, but hopefully this is the start of the end of this nightmare. my main worry now is how all those payday loans will affect her when we apply for a mortgage next year. I suspect i'll be better off applying for it all in my own name. i guess i'll hit that hurdle when it crops up though...

not been on here in a while, but thought i'd post an update as its two years since i first posted here.

whilst still a problem, the depression and extreme moodswings are mostly under control, and while she has had the occasional slip up gambling-wise, the damage that can be done is extremely limited.

my tips from experience are:

as soon as payday comes around, we transfer all the money out of her bank account and into mine, only leaving enough for any direct debits and so on (loan repayments mostly). all food shopping and "entertainments" are paid for by me. after the £120/month has gone on the prepay card, theres still ~£500 left out of her money. this goes on all the other stuff, and any left over goes into my savings account towards the house when we eventuall find one.

bank-wise - the securekey and bank cards are locked in the safe at all other times - we got rid of the £150 limit credit card - that was a mistake. i also made the mistake of giving her back her driving licence once, which she then used to get cash out of her account by saying she didnt have her card. that (and her passport) are always in the safe too or never leave my sight.

pre-pay credit card (the one we use is cashplus but check MSE for links to whatever is best right now)- one of the best things i've done. set it to top up every monday by £30 which is enough for lunch each day as well as the odd pint after work or whatever. she doesnt have access to manage the account in any way (its in her name, but all correspondance goes to my email and mobile) - its too easy to upgrade the card to one with an "overdraft" if they can control things. if/when she needs more money (eg going shopping on her own, or out for lunch/meals/etc with friends/family and im not there) then i just top it up from the funds in my account as and when needed. it also kinda helps that i never really carry cash myself, i've never got more than maybe £20 on my at any one time, so its not like she can just take it out of my wallet without me noticing.

opendns on the home internet connection - all devices going through the wifi/home network go via opendns, where *most* gambling sites are blocked by dafault. theres some i've found that get past the filter, but i've added them to the list manually. it really is the best FREE site blocking tool out there. every so often i log in and check all the blocked sites and alerts - it logs all web traffic, so you can see what's been accessed.

k9 safe browser for iphone. disable safari and install k9. yes, it blocks lots of other non-gambling sites, but its by far the easiest way to stop her accessing stuff while out and about. if she needs access to a site that is block, she needs to do it on a computer either at work or home, and whilst it might be a bit of a hassle, she understands its either that or nothing at all...

since implementing all of these (for me the big one was the prepay card with regular topups of small amounts) her credit rating has improved significantly, and we have been successful in getting a mortgage (still yet to actually buy a house though, as the one we were buying fell through)

we eventually worked out two triggers for her gambling... periods and work stress... when she had an implant she never really had periods, or the mood swings associated with them. she switched back to the pill a couple of years ago, and this definitely had an effect on things. i now have a timer app thing on my phone to warn when she'd due to be more likely to gamble due to this and take extra car that week keeping track of her (like making sure she's come straight home from work and other general checking up)... and secondly work stress. this is unavoidable at the moment, but as soon as we get a house bought, she's getting a new job. any job (as long as it covers bills/etc) will do. we've worked out she can take a £5k paycut without it affecting our standard of living, so as long as its stress-free, she can do whatever comes along.

the prepay credit card isnt perfect, and there has been occasions where she's blown all the money on gambling, and we still need to address that, but we need to get the house/mortgage/job situations sorted first, and as things go, she's telling me about the slip ups usually within a day or two of it happening, and as it's so limited (£30 maximum at any one time), it isnt really affecting us financially any more

bit by bit we're getting there, and the repercussions are lessening as we go along and put further barriers in place. hopefully i'll be able to come back this time next year and say we've stopped it all completely 🙂

*edit*

another tip i forgot about here, but posted about previously... buy a safe! stash all cards/ID/etc in it. cash boxes are useless and can be prised open with pliers. a safe with pin number keypad instead of key access is in my opinion the best option. the one i got (model is in a previous post above somewhere) cost about £30

Wow, that is some commitment from you! Sounds like you are doing all of the hard work still & it just goes to show, this addiction is with us for life! To be honest, this post makes me a little angry with your GF as although you say she is telling you when she slips, she is not doing so immediately & it sounds like she has no choice because if she doesn't tell you you will find out anyway! Many people here would kill for the support you have provided & yet she still keeps slipping! I am trying not to judge her as you obviously love her to pieces but I sincerely hope she is putting the same effort into her recovery as you are putting in & that you do come back & tell us that she's figured it out! Hopefully you won't always need the same level of control but from what I can see & what I have told my OH, you will need to always remain vigilant!

Happy house hunting & keep strong for you too - ODAAT