Hi everyone
This is my first time posting on here my partner has had a relapse and I just need some perspective. I have been with my partner 3 years and have lived together for most of them. When we got together he told me about his CG and that he started around the age of 14 and was very honest with me I was naive enough to just think everything will be fine. About a year in to the realationship he phone me in the middle of the night and said I just spent £2k in one go I was devastated distraught disgusted couldn't believe he had done this to me. Anyway we worked out a plan got everything out that he had spent £10 k I temporarily took charge of all his finances he started working 3 jobs to pay back he spoke with people and I thought we could move on. We were happy thinking buying a house having a child.
well the past 4 months our relationship started going down hill I could start seeing signs again but he would not admit it to me infact I thought I was going that insane I told him I though I needed to go get some antidepressants it was his addictive lying nature that was causing it I was not going mad yes he had been gambling again. 2 weeks ago he walked out after I challenge him about using his credit card he swore on my life that he hadn't but I had checked his wallet and found receipts he went bananas cleared the house of all his things and left to move back in with his mum which is unfortunately only 9 doors away from where I live. We met up this weekend and he told me I had been right he had been gambling again over anther £10 k.
I'm so lost and don't know what to do I feel like I'm in a self perpetuating circle and I can't get off I have no control over how he can tackle this addiction that he has told me has pushed him to the edge
i gave him so much support and effort last time and it seams for nothing he wants to stay together but he stay living with his mum till the debts are clear he has said he wants to give me his wages, his focus is to clear his credit card than he said to cut it up that will be half the problem issue is he said he would cut it up last time and never did, unless u want to a CG will always find a way.
Idont know if he's really ready to quit and I don't know if I can carry on trying to help
l know stay and help it may get better or I may go through this again and again or leave the love of my life
some help thoughts feelings would be appreciated sorry never done this before if it's a garbled message I would apologise
thank you from a very lost and lonely me at present
Hi I'm also new to this site I feel so sad for you! Your problem sounds like mine only mine is it's my son who is doing everything your partner is doing. Everything sounds so familiar! I don't know the answers I wish I did, when I read your post it just made me want to say I understand everything you said. Xx
I am like you, last time I found out I tried to help him as much as possible. This time round I now realize i can't. I have told him he will have my support when he is actively seeking help but until then I have to look after me and the kids. All I can say is that it is good you haven't got a house and have no financial ties or any children mixed into the equation. i would get out while you still can. Love cannot endure everything, trust is more important for a long term relationship. Love does not keep it going. That probably sounds really bitter but if it was me I would get out while I can and there aren't children involved who are also gona be hurt.
I Thank you both for your comments.
Its so hard when you love someone and Jackie if it was my son I would be heartbroken and lost but you would just never give up on them you will gain strength through h talking I have been reading about so many different aspects of gambling but still find it so hard to *** as it is not my addiction to own it seams so more complex than drug, alcohol addictions there appears more help and aknowlgement.of them
I am so lucky that I have not invested my full future with this man because I could have been in a far worse position.
i want to help but not sure if I can as I feel I have tried and failed I'm under no illusion there could never be a relapse but my hope for the future is fading fast.
He will not admit anything to his family and has just said we had problems so he moved out which has made me more angry as it was not my issues but the fact he is not telling them is more lies and deceit.
A magic wand will be good about now as I am so confused.
In the GA booklet 'games we play' one of the things it says is not to keep secrets from other family members. Ur partner could be borrowing off them without you knowing. And personally, if my FIL had told me that my husband had not paid him back some money when he told me he had and there had been better communication between us then it all would have come out sooner. Something to think about. Let him know that you won't accept being a part of the lies by keeping things to urself.
You can't help him until he wants to be helped. Until that happens, best advice is to put yourself first every single time. You haven't got any control over whether or not he gambles. You do have control over how you react to it and where you draw the line. Agree with Mo3 aboput not keeping his secrets. Many of us who have done that have lived to regret it.
Hi MLW301
I had been with my partner for 5 years, he had been a gambler for over 30+ years, at which point the addictive aspect became an issue is debatable. I found out about his gambling addiction 2 years into our relationship. My first response after I recovered from feeling like I had been sledge hammered in the chest, was at least I have a reason for why our relationship was not really progressing and I wasn't imagining things. I initially opted for staying and supportting him through this on the understanding that he would get the help he needed and actively deal with this situation.
Another 3 years later, 2 organisations, 3 rounds of counselling, therapy and mentoring and the longest he remained gamble free was about 3 months. I now realise that this is a lifetime thing and even if be gets a handle on if for a good time, if may not be forever and he can relapse an anytime and I would be totally relying on his willpower to keep trying and keeping working on his recovery.
So, I am luckier than most (after reading alot of the posts) is that we are not married, we don't have children and we never got a chance to make any really big costly commitments together (not for the want of my trying though).
I feel the only thing that I have managed to accomplish by staying with him was trying to rescue him and in the process damaging and hurting myself. By trying to understand this addiction, it has helped me to understand all the symptoms and behaviours that come with this, are part of the illness and not necessarily part of his character. (however, that we will never really know for sure). But I am grateful that I won't add anger to this and I didn't want resentment to start erroding what I felt for him. I will keep that love and learn to love him from a distance because I am definately disappointed but I had to decide, how much of this I could handle and after 5 years I was pretty much done. When he offered my a way out, I had not choice but to take it. Whilst I think I understand that he is pushing me away (albeit hurtfully), with all the best will in the world of me wanting to stay and support him, it also renders me powerless to help any further and as much as I would have done it all for him if I could, this want and desire to deal with this is on him, not me. I couldn't make him do anything, that massive elephant was always there in the room and whilst I was keen and pushing to deal with it, he wasn't and without his 100% commitment to his recovery, my hands were tied. For me to hold out and stay put, I needed him to care enough about us and he is having enough trouble just caring about himself for our relationship to be a motivator for him to give up gambling. So it ultimately came down to us or the gambling and the gambling won!. Even though what the gambling has done to his life over the years was more than evident, his desire to stop was there yet and certainly not strong enough.
So what would lifetime look like for me? It's a decision you will have to make MLW301 and I know it isn't any easy one to make.
I wish you well and if you need to talk, I am welcome to that.
Kindest Wishes.
After a year of emotional abuse and heart break after my partner promised he would never gamble again for our sake and he sake of our future, I found out that he had yet again got himself into a financial mess and had racked up thousands in debt and had used all of his friends money to fund his habit! The emotional abuse got worse.
I can tell you from experience that staying with my partner who promised me the world was the biggest mistake I made the first time. I loved him and continue to love him now, but I have learnt that the only way to keep your own sanity is to walk away. He will continue to struggle for the rest of his life with the monster that is his addiction. It's heartbreaking and it might kill your heart, but you cannot live your life the way you are supposed to if you have that weight pulling you down all the time.
Ultimately, the choice is yours. But whatever you decide you need to put yourself first.
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