I’ve read a few other threads before joining and I really appreciate how supportive and constructive everyone is. I am reaching out for advice in addressing my father’s gambling addiction. Here’s the tl;dr and further details are included below - we are hoping to get advice and pointers to resources for this situation:
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Throughout the 90s to early 2010s, my father had a decent paying job, but much of the earnings never trickled to the family and we had a modest lifestyle. He likely started during the tech bubble in 1999, pouring money into brokerage accounts and incurring cumulative losses in the $X-XXk magnitude from what we know. In the mid-2000s my father pressured my mother to agree to refinancing the mortgage on our house and his losses were revealed then. My mother threatened divorce and my father relented his gambling habits a little bit, but my mother did not follow through to make sure the children were out of the nest first. As the financial crisis hit, my father claimed his reduced earnings meant he had to borrow to support the family, soon reaching almost $100k in revolving credit card debt. Meanwhile, he continued to get on the computer early in the morning for the market opening and keep an eye on NBC money channels, indicating his continued daytrading. He never once talked about his gambling behavior with us and was very defensive/aggressive if it was suggested.
Shortly after I left for college, my mother filed for separation and divorce and my parents sold the house. My father quit his job and hasn’t worked since. He remarried about a year later and moved in with her. I was fairly confused by the relationship as she worked fairly hard to provide for her family while he sat at home daytrading. I assumed she was aware of his activities. After becoming financially independent, my brother’s and my interactions with my dad have been centered around our salaries and money management or whether we can lend/give him some money. When my brother lent money once in the past, my father repaid much later than promised and only after multiple reminders and heated discussion. Within the last year, his requests come under the guise of: “I need to pay rent” and when I let him know I wasn’t handing out any money, it’d be “I’ll pay you back in a few weeks.” I figured why not, so I periodically lent him small fractions of his rent which he eventually paid back each time. His reasoning was that his retirement had unusually long processing times for withdrawals, and he gets defensive whenever I question that process or what his finances look like overall/month-to-month.
Here’s the downward spiral that motivated me to make this post - he and his new wife were either recently evicted from their apartment or were unable to pay rent and forced to move out. I found out when he asked for more money on top of outstanding money I had lent him to cover moving costs. From her, I learned that he exhausted her own savings/emergency fund to her surprise, he had been asking for money from nearly every one of her family members (10+ people who had no idea), and, to add insult to injury, she found casino ATM receipts in his pockets while doing his laundry. I have not spoken to him since he asked for more money, but she is now living with her parents while he is living separately in a cheaper area somewhere.
I have no idea whether my father has burned through his retirement and share of marital assets from the divorce. It would be shocking as that would be a large amount (mid-$XXXk), but the situation seems graver than before and could have escalated to that magnitude. Then there are other observations that make the overall situation seem shady and not straightforward. In court, my mother suspects he still has plenty of money to live and in reserve, but borrows to live as to minimize asset loss and spousal support in the divorce settlements and that he moved elsewhere to escape creditors (he denies this). I do believe that he has taken out multiple personal loans and sustained the outstanding principal by paying some loans with other loans. He carries large amounts of cash around in $100 bills. I get calls from random numbers asking to speak with my father which I assume are collections calls (verified in court for at least one loan), and my father strangely changed his address with the DMV to my address so I get some of his mail.
Whether or not he has any assets remaining, I would expect this cycle of borrowing, gambling, and letting loans going to collections to not be sustainable so the addiction needs to be addressed. My father would never admit to gambling and would profusely and angrily deny it. I’m not particularly fond of my father, but I would like to hear what tips, advice, and other perspectives you might offer for us to consider before he truly hits rock bottom if he hasn’t already.
Hello confusedson1,
Best Wishes
Forum Admin
Hi my husband used to 'trade' stocks and shares, position on Ftse, shares in football clubs etc. They don't see it as gambling but it is. Ultimately massive losses. My advice is don't lend him any money. No one knows if your father has got assets or cash flow problems. I would suggest that legally your mother will find out eventually. For you to really find out about compulsive gambling the best place is a gamanon meeting. Don't believe what he says regarding finances. You have to detach, I know he's your father but he's not your responsibility and his debt is his problem. The other thing that would also be unacceptable is using your address. He may have used addresses, names etc to gain credit. If he has exhausted his wife's savings he's probably blown all his assets and retirement fund. Compulsive gamblers never stop until there is nothing left. Encourage him to get some help if you do talk to him. Safeguard your finances and seek help to educate yourself on how to cope with an addict as a parent. Please don't be convinced to lend him any money.
It's likely he sees his gambling activity as 'investing' but trading in stocks and shares can be just as addictive as any other form of gambling. You're right to suspect his activties will become unsustainable if they haven't already. Unfortunately there's little you can do to persuade him he needs to address this until he's ready. Best advice is to protect yourself by not giving him any more cash and telling him why but make clear you're ready to help when he's ready to stop. If you do want to help buy food and fuel directly for him. Don't take on debt for him and tell anyone who might fall for a sob story not to give or lend him cash.
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