He's finally admitted it - what now?

Hi, Dan,

He was quite enthused when he first came in, said he would go twice a week, said that it has been good. Didn't see any literature, unless he left it in the car. The problem was that there was headroom in his overdraft and having consulted with my eldest, I wanted his bank card for safe keeping. It was sorting out his access to cash and my insisting on the card that caused the downturn. Not caused, precipitated. It was late, he was tired and he'd not eaten.

We don't communicate well, part of addiction symptoms, he prefers to be left alone. I then end up bombarding him with a list.

We'll have to see how it goes but my patience with mood swings is wearing thin. Thanks for posting.

Well I think that's all gone quite well, it is hard, very hard to keep brushing off the mood swings, it always helped me to reward myself for putting up with things. Getting him out to work without screaming at him was well worth a hot chocolate and feet up for an hour.

It's messy at the start, good that he was enthusiastic about GA, very good, but if he has placed long term bets, where he doesn't know what the result will be for a week or two, or he had promised himself one last hurrah and now doesn't have access to the money, he's going to find it hard to know what to do with his emotions. Let him get through it, let him experience the pain and face up to things. Make your life as nice as you can and leave him to it. Trust GA, twice a week is great, they ll help him deal with his mindset, you have enough on your plate dealing with the mess.

Thanks, Pangolin, it's not easy to know when to take a stand and when to let it go. Will see how he is this eve but am v fed up with mood swings. And we still have one more financial biggie to tackle.

Hi, HL,

Sorry, didn't see your post. He needs to apply for his credit rept, I don't know the answers to their ID questions. He wasn't about to this morning but will try again. Mine is clear, so far.

He wasn't keen on providing receipts for his chocolate and coffee, also he wants his allowance weekly and paid at the end of the week because he doesn't work locally and would worry about being stranded or emergencies. I don't doubt that he'll feel the temptation but how to manage what may well be a legitimate concern? Or an excuse to access more cash? Who knows? Suggestions welcome.

Thanks for posting.

Hi, HL

Actually, he's taken himself off to GA again this eve, can't be bad. No urgent defences required so won't pounce when he returns.

Was wondering how the weekend will go, am worried that it might involve too much togetherness.

Thanks for the posts.

CW

Hi CW

Ive been reading your posts but have had so much c**P going on in my world I haven't had the chance to post. I'm not a big fan of weekends myself- my top tip- keep busy! You sound really in control of the situation to me so keep going. It's great that your husband is going to GA and you can be positive. I have been battling with my husband for financial control for 7 months ( finally got it this week) so I think I need tips from you! Good luck with the mood swings.

Hi, Katiecola,

He came back from GA quite grumpy but actually made the effort to eat what I'd left for him, so not complaining.

I've read your posts, too, how are you doing?

CW

Hi CW, what about a credit card with no cash facility for emergencies when he is away? Or even a prepaid credit card for his allowance?

Call me suspicious but I smell a rat! day@atime is the guru on all things GA so he may pop along to put me straight but I haven't read many posts where there are meetings every night & the lack of literature is unnerving 🙁

I really really hope I'm wrong & he steps up & does the right thing!

Keep strong, keep fighting - ODAAT

Hi CW,

i think I've had the worst week since this all began. I've realised I have no choice but to divorce the man I love, I've had to tell his family, I've got access to all his accounts so I now know that he has virtually doubled his debt, he is talking about ending his life, and I can't sleep. But thank you for asking. I'm really struggling and I'm not not sure what to do now.

Hi, ODAAT and Katiecola

Thanks for your post. re GA, He has his own car - I bought it for him before I knew the worst because he doesn't work locally and the public transport is poor. So are we, now...He drives a lot, the meetings are weekly but in different places and this sounds credible. Will definitely ask about literature.

To be fair to him, he's gone from snarling denials to handing over the finances and meetings - hopefully - within the space of three days. Still quite grumpy but the efforts that he has made are welcome.

Katiecola, I'm so sorry to hear what's happening but do not let yourself be blackmailed into staying. What he does is his responsibility. Tell his GP that he's threatening you with suicide, also could any family member pay for him to see a private GP or psych?

I've not held back on telling whoever needs to know about the gambling, my bosses, the schools and absolutely his family. The kids have seen their bank statements, as have his parents so that we all know what's happened. His parents are devastated and embarrassed and whilst I'm sorry about this and we're close, I can't make it better for them. I've also encouraged the kids to talk and suggested that the older ones call GamCare.

You need to get the support for yourself, GamCare, friends, GP, here, whatever works for you.

Keep posting.

CW

I do wish I had got myself as clued as as you have as soon as you have. Me telling everyone was actually a relief for Mr P, so many lies he was struggling to maintain could just be dropped, I had become a silent reclusive type, so speaking up was hard for me, but that's where my recovery began, and although he desperately wanted it all to remain secret, it did help his recovery too. I do think that somewhere deep down, they do know what they have done is wrong, despite the furious denial and accusations about who else's fault all the mess is, they must know it's wrong or they would need it to be a secret?

And Katie, it may sound harsh of me, but I am not too alarmed by the suicidal comments, they are evidence of going through a rock bottom and that's a stage that's needed. I see a big difference between the mental health issues that take some people to suicide and the last throes of a gambler trying to get someone to feel sorry enough for him or her to bail them out of the situation they have created. There is nothing a gambler won't say. I didn't actually tell Mr Ps gp on his suicidal day, it didn't occur to me that I could do that, it seems like a good idea to me.

I would definitely be asking to see the little orange book, it is interesting reading, quite often there will be literature for friends and family available too, he will have been given the literature by atleast one of the meetings.

Hi, Pangolin

All my info has come from this website, from you and the others who post. And it's made all the difference, I can recognise gamblers' manipulation for what it is. And I'm really grateful.

This is the second time, I wasn't at all clued up the first because I did have doubts and I ignored them to keep the peace. A big and expensive mistake which will not be repeated. Also, it's the lies that have killed my feelings for what he is now, there will be zero tolerance of future lies, if it comes to divorce instead of recovery then there would be a valid reason for that divorce and I will know that I've done my best. Last time, all I wanted was for him to stop gambling and stay married to me, I "understood" that I was causing financial problems by refusing to go back to work after the last baby and therefore he needed to make riskier investments. In fact he was the sole wage earner then but the statements show that his income was adequate to support us, it was the gambling that we couldn't afford. And since returning to work, I've been supporting us whilst he has continued to gamble his wages. He got away with it by lying about his expenditure and convincing me that his finances were private, he didn't ask about mine so why did I need to know his?

Never again.

Enough ranting, thanks for the support and he has made progress this week. Katie, I hope things ease soon but try to do one thing for you today. Take care.

CW

Hmm...he certainly comes home at the right time, 10.15ish but I can't check up on him between the end of work and start of the meeting. He isn't in a job that clocks off at 5.30, nor am I, so it's entirely plausible that he works late. And as he's not local, it would be a rush to come home first.

Am not worried about timings but will check up on literature. Thinking about it, he's focusing on not gambling rather than improving relationships.

Thanks for your posts.

Two GA booklets in his car, complicated because he insists that they stay hidden in the car and that's where I should go to read them but one of the kids was with me when I did so, we didn't ask his permission.

Secrets are no good!

My gamanon book lives by the bath, i pick it up, flick through, have a think and a relax. His ga books live by the loo. He can spend alot of time there, makes sense i guess. If you're a bloke.