How could I mean so little?

Hi. Really sorry to hear about your pain. I don’t think it’s at all uncommon for someone to feel at peace with a relationship being over and then when they find out the other person is moving on it becomes heart breaking. I know I have experienced that in the past and took it very badly. It sounds like your relationship was very badly broken and that you did what you could to salvage it so don’t beat yourself up about it and don’t let it eat away st you. I absolutely guarantee you that you will realise in time that what happened was for the best. Take care of yourself mate

Thank you for your kind words Paul. I don't know what else to say other than it's tough...

If I'm being honest, I'm not even angry with her. It sounds stupid, but I just feel very angry at the world, Where's the justice in this situation you know? Why does she as an addict that has thrown my life through the ringer get to wipe her hands clean and just start again? Is that honestly how little I meant?

I don't mean to ramble.. It's just very hard not to become bitter about the whole thing when I'm still suffering even though I have done nothkng but try. I just don't know what to do next.

Yeah, that’s a really hard situation. I m sure it’s not the case that you meant very little to her. If the lass who you asked out had been single then things might have been very different. I m no relationship expert but what I would say from my own experience is absolutely do not contact her and put yourself out there.i contacted my ex and made a bit of a fool of myself which just made the pain ten times worse. Basic human psychology is that there’s nothing more attractive tha something that’s not readily available and is attractive to other people. I watched a lot of videos on you tube by a guy called James Marshall who gives advice to men about dating, relationships and dealing with break ups etc. It’s not for everyone but a lot of what he says makes sense. Be strong mate

Anononon wrote: Thank you for your kind words Paul. I don't know what else to say other than it's tough... If I'm being honest, I'm not even angry with her. It sounds stupid, but I just feel very angry at the world, Where's the justice in this situation you know? Why does she as an addict that has thrown my life through the ringer get to wipe her hands clean and just start again? Is that honestly how little I meant? I don't mean to ramble.. It's just very hard not to become bitter about the whole thing when I'm still suffering even though I have done nothkng but try. I just don't know what to do next.

Well, she is taking her addiction with her, you know, and from what I know of myself and other Compulsive Gamblers on here, she will never be rid of it, it will be a constant threat to her own and any potential partner's wellbeing. So she is not 'washing her hands clean and starting again.' Unaddressed, the addiction will rear its head soon enough and claim its next victim which will probably be him.

I'm sad for anyone who loses someone special, but while I know it's raw pain for you right now, it seems to me that you are a very nice guy who deserves someone a whole lot better. Someone who will be an equal partner and who will respect you. Not someone who will compromise joint finances and long-term stability for the sake of a quick thrill.

It isn't your fault. It's easier for her to blame aspects of you for her problems.It stops her taking responsibility for herself, which is the first step in recovery. But she is not in recovery, she is in the full-blown throes of gambling addiction, and she might well continue moving from person to person until she reaches the point at which she wants to (or has to) stop.

Sorry to sound blunt. but I've just read your old post from last year. She's already blamed her problems on the person before you, then she's blamed it on you, and now she's moved to someone else. I see a cycle here, she'll be blaming it on them next.

What plans has she put in place to sort the debt? .

Thank You for your lovely words redeemed.

My family consolidated what we thought was all of it to the sum of nearly £30k..what we didn't know there was even more. I know this is enabling, but it happened once before and she paid every penny back. The reason it was done again was she had missed payments and I didn't know if I was going to lose my home.

With regards to the monies I didn't know about, it's still there I guess. I know she's still borrowing or at least attempting to (her credit is shot to bits) still under our address and one of the places she moved to, so I can only assume she is still gambling and still in a world of trouble...

I'll be honest though, I've become quite cold and unsympathetic towards the financial side of it.. It's the emotional side that is running riot. It's up to her what she gets up to now I guess...

You need to protect your credit report. I would get some independent financial advice on how to separate your finances. CAB will be able to help I'm sure.

Can you get out and socialise more? Start meeting a whole load of other people. There's definitely somebody out there who is perfect for you, you just haven't met them yet, that's all.

Or, if you need help laying the past to rest, there's free counselling available via the GP, there's also Relate (bit pricey I'm told), and some areas have free counselling centres. Maybe it's time to invest some energy in yourself.

The finances are being taken care of, just waiting on solicitors basically.

I've been trying to socialise, but I'm quite the introvert. Working on that with some counselling as well as everything else.

You have got no idea how much your words have meant, and the hope and excitement it has brought back to finding that right person. I so desperately want to let go of all of this and move on, I really do.

Well it doesn't have to be all Tinder and Match dot com. Dog walking is a good casual way to meet people, especially if it's a medium size bundle of fluff with lots of energy (I wouldn't recommend a rottweiler or dobermann...) Borrow somebody else's, or offer to walk the dog for the old lady down the road, then off you go. The lighter evenings are here, and the better weather, and if you vary the route it'll be more fun, you'll get fitter, and who knows who you'll end up chatting to?

Supermarkets are also full of singles at certain times, nip in at odd times during the evenings till you find the times when the demographic is right, then choose that time to do some shopping.

Volunteering builds confidence and there's a huge range of different ways to volunteer, have a look at Do It org for opportunities near you. Marshalling at a marathon or bike run looks fun and gets you out and about.

It's all a numbers game. A friend of mine did Tinder, and did all her first meetings as individual coffee dates in town in her lunch hours. A sort of targeted speed dating. She didn't meet the one, but had lots of funny stories to tell and it saved a lot of evenings.

Nice to see you in chat. I'm sure the others will have more ideas than me, so keep coming along, as a former partner of a CG this is your recovery too and you are more than entitled to any help on offer.

.

Dear Anononon,

just wanted to say that Redeemed has given you some excellent advice, do try and take it on board, these are excellent ways to get out there and meet someone. And if nothing else, keeping busy in a fun way is an excellent way to take your mind off the heartbreak and can potentially help you heal quicker.

And of course the point about this is your recovery too - so true. It is recovering who you are as an individual, not just one half of a couple where the other half always needs rescuing.

Look after yourself and take all this excellent advice on board, it is really helpful.

Wishing you all the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Thank you again to redeemed, and to you Eva.

It's very frustrating... I started to get my head back into a better space yesterday, but then today, although not quite back to square one, feel rather rubbish again.

I'm having real difficulty dealing with being in this constant state of anxiety, and not actually having a control over it. I so desperately want to move on, and get myself into a good space where I can start to get myself out there and meet that right person whoever they may be, but I just can't shake it. I can't explain why and it is exasperating.

I have been trying various different methods to calm myself and collect my thoughts, things I have been learning through counselling etc, and where they were once effective, they seem to be unable to make a dent in this particular circumstance, and unfortunately that in itself is scary and adds to the pile of worries and anxieties.

If you'd told me five years ago this was where my heartfelt intentions and what was meant to have been the 'one' relationship was going to go, I would have laughed and said it wasn't possible, it's overly dramatic etc, life isn't a soap opera type thing.

However, because of this horrible, horrible addiction, I have been brought to my knees by something that isn't even my fault! Where's the justice in that?

I don't mean to fall down into some sort of pity spiral here... But seriously, who did I P**s off in a former life to get treated this way? From the person who I was meant to be spending the rest of my life with? And not only be treated this way, but then cast away as if the relationship and me as a person meant nothing...

Again, all I can go back to is, it's tough.. This is really, really tough.

I spent a large portion of my morning looking through the forum, and the one thing that struck me was the selfishness of this addiction, like any other I guess. It's all focused on the financial problem, and the person battling with beingf a CG. There are very few people who have written in here who actually have stopped and gone 'oh hell.. I know I need to do me right now, but jesus I have hurt the other people around me' in a way that isn't just a cursory acknowledgement of what's happened, instead of a real heartfelt 'wow.. I know I have this tough right now.. But I wonder how my partner/friend/family is coping'.

Perhaps this is horrible to say, but even the recovery comes across as quite selfish, and I know it is down to me and us other parties involved to deal with our own mending, but you know what.. We didn't ask for a single bit of this and yet we're still asked to just soldier on, to suck it up.

I really don't mean to lash out at anyone recovering or trying to recover, as I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is just to even make the first step of getting some help... But it's tough for us too..

A CG who doesn't want to stop prioritises gambling over everything and everyone. They want to do it in peace without an anxious partner on their back questioning what's going on. It's also possible she's 'saving' you from the fallout of her destructive behaviour.

You've already lived the undeserved hell of life with an active CG. She can't be fixed or saved until she wants it and - at least for now - she doesn't so might be best to try not to romanticise but remember what life was actually like and consider it a bullet dodged. Life without an active CG in it can only improve.

Thank you for your response Lethe.

I do understand there are a number of different reasons this could be happening, and that trying to apply normal human logic to the situation is just going to fail, as none of this is normal or rational. But on top of having to deal with the whole 'CG' thing, it's then piled upon by a breakup from a long term relationship, which this is a first for me too. It's hard, as I can't understand what's going through her head, and don't expect too either, however It's the fact that I after trying so hard still, I still get cast away, and the person that I once cared for very deeply, is now in the arms of another, burying her head in the sand once again and I can only watch it happen from a distance.

It's sickening. Having literally everything I held dear torn away from me, and not just lost, but then apparently forgotten and made to look worthless, moved on from like it meant nothing. No acknowledgement, no apology, just on to the next one. It's very easy to say a bullet dodged, and aye, I'd agree from a logical standpoint. But none of this is logical, not one whit of it. That is still the person I had asked to spend the rest of my days with, and although I want to move forward, cannot just let go that it was all for nothing, that I meant nothing and was merely a stepping stone along this destructive path.

I want to move on as she has, but unfortunately for me, it meant something and was very real. Yes, I remember the bad times too, don't get me wrong, however, there were lots of good times when she wasn't all consumed as a 'CG', and that isn't romanticising it at all. But alas, clearly she meant more to me than I did to her, and that's that. I now have to try and pick up the emotional and mental pieces of myself to try and 'Carry on', which I suppose is my biggest issue.

I guess there is still a piece of me somewhere that doesn't want to let go, that feels this is for some reason or another, still worth fighting for, and that she is worth not giving up on. But then again, I suppose it's a moot point as I don't get a say in it anymore. I no longer know where she is or what she is up to, and don't even know if she is actually okay.

Once again... It is just oh so very tough... I have no other way to put it, and it is very difficult to try and crawl away from what has been a detonation zone of epic proportions, if anything, for some reason I still want to crawl back in rather than away, risking only further injury in the process.

Emotionally, you clearly had a massive amount invested in the relationship, and that's always hard to give up on.

And while for some time you were a match on many many levels, that changed.

On the addiction level (and that's the only level I am commenting on) you matched - or at least you didn't mismatch - because she was for some time concealing her gambling tracks successfully, paying for it herself and laying the blame for her habits well outside herself as her cover story.

Then the cost of fuelling the addiction grew, and it became a financial crisis. A £12 k crisis. You were still a match - it was a shock but it was the first time she'd done this and you fixed it and so you acted as her enabler - and she worked hard and managed to pay it all back. With more normal problems under more normal circumstances such as massively overspending on a new kitchen or a wedding, that could have been the end of the matter.

But this is gambling. And a CG loves a clean slate, it's like permission to have another go at it, and so the second crisis arose quite quickly, within 18 months, and this well exceeded the first one (a £30 k crisis this time.) By now, on the addiction level, the two of you are not so much a match because there are ongoing repercussions rumbling away from last time. This new crisis, however, catapults you both into a mismatch. The enabler is in even more shock, the amounts are too big for him to fix, and the CG can see she is losing her enabler. The addiction is threatened (it's not your fault, you're having perfectly understandable reactions) and the addiction drives the addict, so the addict starts blaming you. Addict walks away, addiction intact.

Simplistic, yes probably. But I only propose it as a lens to look through, to see if it can help you separate out the strands of what exactly you are grieving for. I am sorry for your pain. I read your other threads, there are some excellent responses on there.

Your words make a lot of sense redeemed, they really do.

I guess this now just a case of starting from the beginning again, and trying to heal anew.

I am so determined to get there, back to my old self and put this to bed for the last time... I guess it will just take some time before I can rest easy again.