How do you help a gambling addict?

Hi Anon234

Sorry to hear that you have been dealing with this situation , I know it can be really upsetting and frustrating as an affected other going through this .

You are never alone and there's a lot of support. It is down to him and his responsibility to make the changes and go into recovery , we also advise to firm boundaries and no bailouts in these situations. 

Look after yourself as much as you can at this time so that you can be as strong as possible to be able to deal with things. 

You can contact us anytime on 0808 8020 133 or via our website on our Netline service

All the best 

Kirk 

Forum Admin 

The best advice I can offer is just listen to him and try to support him, try not to make him feel judged or pressured, I know this is hard, as his choices may have affected you all, encourage him to talk if not to you then to train professional and make sure you have people to talk to.

All the best 

Hi, as a gambler who only stopped when my wife found out after 5 years I would say that he is feeling guilty and ashamed but also glad that you have found out. I got myself deep into a downward spiral chasing the losses stupidly hoping to win back what I had lost before I was found out when deep down I knew full well this wasn't going to happen. The best thing was being found out as I suddenly had no reason to continue gambling. The fallout was awful but I immediately bought in to putting things right. On the very first day I sat down with my wife and daughter and signed up with Gamstop for the maximum of 5 years, put a blocker on my phone again for 5 years as it was online slots I was gambling on. My daughter found this site, the best thing she could have done for me, and I contacted an advisor. He spoke to me for about an hour with my wife also in on the conversation and I agreed to some counselling. This was quickly arranged by Gamcare and is free. I had about 8 telephone sessions and it was amazing, being able to talk through the whys and wherefores of how I started and getting everything off my chest without any judgement. 

My wife took full control of our finances, changing passwords so I couldn't access any accounts, we destroyed my debit and credit card and she contacted the Bank to put a stop on all gambling transactions. It was very hard to start with and my wife really struggled to come to terms with what I had done. She herself had some counselling through Gamcare which helped a bit. What helped her to get through the early days was thinking of it as an illness, which it is, that I was recovering from. 

I was deep in debt with 4 different credit cards so contacted Stepchange, a debt charity recommended by Gamcare and set up a debt repayment plan to pay off the cards without any pressure. Stepchange are fantastic and it made the process very easy. It will take me a long time to be debt free but we are paying an affordable amount each month. 

I couldn't have done this without the support of my wife who stood by me during the worst time of our marriage, we have been together over 30 years, and gradually our relationship started to get back to normal. It isn't easy but can be done as I am now 21 months gamble free and life is better than it has been for a very long time.

I would also add that this site opens your eyes to how many people are going through this when you think you are so alone so read other peoples stories for help and advice.

I used to think myself a bad person for what I had done to my family but over time realised I was still the good person I was before this who had done a bad thing. I will never have complete trust again from my wife but am happy to live as we are now. She still has control of finances and I am fine with that. I know that if I ever did anything again that would be the end for us so i am determined to stay gamble free until my last breath, many years away hopefully.

Hope this helps, there is no right or wrong way of dealing with this but your husband has to want to buy into the recovery full on, there are no half measures.

Good luck and keep posting with your progress

All the best

I’ve just come back to the site to see if I’ve had any replies and wanted to thank you all so much for your responses.

When it all came out, I stayed very calm and tried to reassure him that it will be ok. I don’t actually feel any anger towards the situation, I’ve never really gambled before myself but I can understand how easy it would be to fall in to and find yourself in trouble.

We’ve talked things through a lot and my husband blocked everything from his phone through Gamstop. We decided to open a joint account which I would mainly be responsible for but he could access too as I don’t want to completely take away his freedom. However, we’ve agreed that he will take a set amount of money each week for train fares/lunch whilst at work and then if he wants any extra, he will tell me and what for and I can question anything I find suspicious. He’s closed both of the credit cards he opened, cancelled his overdraft and said that I can see his online banking for his current account any time I want just for peace of mind. From some of the other stories I’ve read here, it seems like I’m giving him too much freedom so I don’t know if i’m making a mistake but I hate this, I feel like I’m treating him like a child even though he said this is what he needs.

We’re so fortunate that we had a fair amount of savings put away in accounts that only I had access to so we have been able to sort a lot of the debt. My husband took out a 5k loan which we now have to pay monthly for 5 years and he has a tax bill that has to be paid over 10 months so that’s not great but I’m sure we’ll manage. The main thing that’s upset me is that the savings were meant to be for me to do driving lessons and then buy a car and insurance. I’ve already started driving lessons and it’s going really well, I’ll be able to continue but we’ll have hardly any money once I’ve passed to get a car and nothing for insurance which makes me sad as it’s something I’ve been waiting to do for years.

I’m trying to check in with my husband regularly to make sure he’s doing ok. He feels really bad about what’s happened and ashamed as we have young kids but he says he thinks it will get better over time. I just wish I could make everything better for him, I hate him feeling sad and I’m trying to reassure him that things will be ok and I’m here for him. I’ve told him that he can always talk to me and we’ll always work a plan to sort any problems together so I hope he keeps this in mind but I’ve told him that many times in the future and he still keeps things to himself.

Thanks for reading, it’s nice to have somewhere to get my thoughts out as I haven’t told anyone I know in real life.

Just be very, very careful- my husband was exactly the same and I felt the same as you , completely relate to your post and have been through this every other year or so for the last 14 years….always myself and children missing out.  I also wanted to treat my husband as a decent person who had his own money, could surprise me with the odd birthday gift etc, see finances. The problem is the remorse fades into a locked box somewhere in their head and  the addiction takes hold again and all the trust you build up over time is gone again. My advice and what works for us is Apple Pay only and you to have full control of finances, he hands all his cards and accounts over to you. He gets the privilege of overlooking finances with you . Just be careful, I know men are all different but the gambling addiction shows very similar traits in regards to money and finances…no regard for driving lessons, you need to make sure you can guarantee none of your money will be wasted on gambling again if you want to help support where your husband is now and protect your finances. Sorry if thiS comes across harsh, just trying to help x

Just be very, very careful- my husband was exactly the same and I felt the same as you , completely relate to your post and have been through this every other year or so for the last 14 years….always myself and children missing out.  I also wanted to treat my husband as a decent person who had his own money, could surprise me with the odd birthday gift etc, see finances. The problem is the remorse fades into a locked box somewhere in their head and  the addiction takes hold again and all the trust you build up over time is gone again. My advice and what works for us is Apple Pay only and you to have full control of finances, he hands all his cards and accounts over to you. He gets the privilege of overlooking finances with you . Just be careful, I know men are all different but the gambling addiction shows very similar traits in regards to money and finances…no regard for driving lessons, you need to make sure you can guarantee none of your money will be wasted on gambling again if you want to help support where your husband is now and protect your finances. Sorry if thiS comes across harsh, just trying to help x

Hi anon234, whilst I completely understand your feelings around this please listen to what Suewoo has said. I'm female and the recovering compulsive gambler in my marriage. You are not treating him like a child trust me, he needs you to be in charge and stand firm but maintaining your compassion. My husband had no compassion whatsoever and despite it being coming up to 2 years gamble free and me not putting a foot wrong I still have no input to our finances. And that's ok...it works , I accept that I will be a compulsive gambler till I leave this world, I accept that one gamble would awaken the beast within me. I applaud you for your compassion and understanding of him that is really good....compassion but remember not a pushover. Unfortunately when his sadness about it wears off he will be tested and if he can be will move heaven and earth to access money. I hope you don't think I'm being too gloom and doom but I know that if tested enough I have the potential to gamble but my blocks are strong .... I can't gamble that makes me feel safe , protected and gives me strength to see me through vulnerable times. No money.....no gambling. The other thing is has he had any professional help? Counselling or group support such as GA? I've done both and both have really helped me understand things about myself......given me tools to help myself for the future.....My future....I'm happier in myself not reliant on others to pick me up or drag me down !! Hope you find a healthy path for you and your family, take care xx

Bailing them out gives them a clean slate to do it all over again. Being too understanding leaves you open to being manipulated. Mr L gets his understanding and support from weekly attendance at GA leaving me free to concentrate on making sure my interests are protected. Several years down the line I have full financial control, savings and major assets in my name only and access credit reports on a regular basis to make sure there's no hidden loans or secret bank accounts to channel them. That's permanent an non negotiable.

Access to funds means he provides receipts to the penny. It's absolutely fine not to trust him with anything financial. It's absolutely fine not to provide support or reassurance if you can't or don't want to. There's lots out there for him but it's up to him to access it. Your job is to look after your own interests.

Hi

We are glad you found this web site.

It is very painful to live in pain and fear on your own.

Sorry to hear your husband has a gambling problem it is a very painful life and living in fear.

There are rooms that are for partners family and wives of compulsive gamblers.

Meetings often have a telephone list of members in each meeting place.

Often people have more questions than answers so meeting up with a healthy partner helps shares your experience.

It is important to know you are not alone in any recovery program.

It is important to know you are not responsible for your partner being in an unhealthy addiction.

Your husband is probably filled with pains guilt shame fears and not sure of himself or his life.

One of the addicts’ biggest fears is if we are completely honest our family will leave us.

Yet he has to learn to be honest to himself before he can be honest with you.

Let him know you will go to meetings with him.

Let him know you will support him during the most painful times.

My wife asked me to be honest that each day if she asks me to be honest if I have gambled.

My wife was not knowing how much money I lost but to be honest to her, to not lie.

That helped her and helped me.

Also, to hand over the finances to someone he trusts truly completely.

He will not be able to explain to you his emotional triggers just yet.

But being in the recovery program is a big start, gamble or not just stick with it.

I am a non-religious person, but I am a very healthy spiritual person now. 

I am not as healthy as my wife would like me to be.

Yet once fears reduce, trust grows, pains heal, and honesty helps us all into intimacy into healthy relationships.

Just for today only, is my slow steady baby steps.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave L

ADA Dave Of Beckenham, UK