Last week my boyfriend of 2 years dropped the bombshell that he'd gambled away 30k of inheritance money that he'd received on top of his savings and 1.5k overdraft. We are traveling in New Zealand, I have a great job and he quit work when he got the money. We are supposed to be going to Australia in 3 weeks' time for 6 weeks and then home for Christmas. Now, I'm forking out of my own pocket to pay for flights home so he can be with family and get professional help.
When he first told me I wasn't even angry, I was just so sad for him. The money was supposed to be used to pay back 10k work of debt that he's in with his parents and help him launch a new career, driving lessons etc etc. I know he is feeling ashamed and hates himself for it. I had to break it to his parents and they have been really supportive of him too, saying that he can get through this and we have to turn this into a positive.
It has now started to sink in and I have to tell all my family and friends why we are cutting our trip short and I am so embarrassed. I completely understand that it's a disease and the mentality that he was trying to win it back until rock-bottom penniless that he had to tell me the truth – but still, its ruined everything for me. I never expected to see any of the money, but the fact I am now going home with less of my hard earned money is exasperating. The fact he continued to let me book flights and car rentals and trips, knowing that he had nothing in his bank account has also meant ive lost loads on non-refundable things.
Worst of all, I am really understanding and have told him we can get through it together. But everything is just so awful for him, there doesn't seem to be any positive attitude, when will this kick in? I feel like he should be the one convincing me that everything is going to be okay – not the other way round. I feel like a terrible person, but the more I have to console him the less I want to. I am also realising that now we will probably have to live with his parents for years so he can pay his debts back and start a new life. I told him I wanted to spend Christmas with my grandma in spain, she lives alone and for me it will be a small price to pay for having everything else taken away from me. But now he is saying he can't spend any time without me. Even though he would have all his family around him. I just want to scream at him saying I deserve it and what about my needs? But, I don't because he will just cry and im scared of pushing him into further depression. I'm so frustrated and so alone, in a country without my friends and too embarrassed to tell my family yet.
It really isn't the money, I just don't want this to define our lives. Am I evil, can anyone offer advice. Am I going to make things worse?
Sorry to see this. No evil on your part but you are so completely subsumed within your boyfriend and his addiction that you’ve lost yourself. If you want to start living, you need to learn where you end and he begins, what’s you and what’s him, what’s yours and what’s his, basically, the difference between what you’re responsible for and what he’s responsible for. At the moment, it’s all tangled up and that perpetuates the sickness. You’re trying in vain to control him and it’s never going to work.
The three Cs of AlAnon: I didn’t Cause it, I can’t Control it and I can’t Cure it. He’s placing the bets and only he can stop. He caused the financial problem and reparation is his responsibility, not yours. He may feel bad if you’re not there but that’s for him to deal with, not you. You taking on his burdens because of his (apparent or actual) incompetence is manipulation on his part and control on yours. Mother might clear up split food and messy underwear for a two year old, but mature adults have equal life partnerships.
Not sure how and where you learned that your needs don’t matter but that’s completely dysfunctional and it has lead you to where you are now. Would advise regular attendance at GamAnon and CoDA (or AlAnon if those around you were drinking).
Focus on you healing you because you do matter and let him sort out him.
CW
Hi edameb as CW says you need to separate yourself. It's not your responsibility to get him home. Why should your trip end early? If you've already paid for trips flights and car hire etc, surely you should continue? I'm confused. Compulsive gamblers will get you to do their bidding by manipulation. Don't feel sorry for him, it's a choice. Yes it's an emotional illness but if you continue to be his spokesperson and sort everything out he will continue. He has to admit to his problem not you. This is your choice to cut short your trip.
HI CW and Merry go round
Thank you so much for your replies. Everything is so still so fresh so I think I'm just freaking out 24/7 atm.
I do feeI I need to deliver him home. The trip would have been great but I love him more than that. His parents are also doing their best but relying on me too to relay information of what's going on. They are all fantastic and I also owe it to them. He's always been quite a depressive person and even though I highly doubt it, I still can't stop worst case scenarios going through my head.
Thank you for the three C's, that's a really helpful mantra. I know this is a mental illness and I know he doesn't mean to be hurting us all like this, but actually I can't become an enabler either.
Reading other threads on here yesterday, many posts were saying how their partners relapsed etc and I was thinking to myself "atleast he's not like that, this was a one time thing". Curiosity got the better of me and I looked into his web history *controlling I know* and yes, he is still gambling. It's only with free bets, but it's a small leap to start using real money if he can get his hands on it.
I have tried to get him some immediate help. He won't speak to anyone on the phone or do group sessions, he only wants to do 1to1. However, as we are in a foreign country we can't get referrals and it's difficult with timeframe's. Does this sound like excuses? He has a bit of social anxiety so I kind of get the fear of groups... enabling again?
I'm sorry to hear of your issues with your partner. I must say you have had some excellent support and feedback from the Forum users.
You mentioned you are in a foreign country, not sure if you know this but you could try suggesting your partner contact Gambling Therapy? The website is www.gamblingtherapy.org.uk
Wishing you well
Forum Admin
Thanks admin, this might be useful for the meantime until we get back.
I must say it has been invaluable being able to write this all down, as has the advice that's been received.
Hi -
I'm so sorry this happened to you and you sound so much like me a year ago when I first found out about my boyfriend's addiction. Your boyfriends' parents sound just like the wonderful parents my boyfriend has. I kept telling myself we'll work through this and giving my boyfriend new and new chances, new support - that's through continued gambling. It's now a year later and I wish so much I'd realized right away what a destructive disorder this is, and that my support was just helping him get worse, dig both of us and himself into a deeper hole. With any other disease, care and love, resources invested on behalf of your loved one help them get better, but in gambling - it has the exactly opposite effect. Please know that your very decision to stay with him now that you found out, especially if he's still gambling, might be signalling to him that his gambling is ok with you. Btw, gambling with free money because he's broke is exactly the same gambling he'll go right back to with real money once he gets his hands on some! Your words mean nothing, his promises mean nothing - you can't talk him out of gambling.
You're already helping him out of crisis - booking flights home for him; just know you're enabling him already. This won't be the first time there will be a crisis but having a crisis will gradually become less and less scary for him because you've already shown him you're willing to sacrifice your needs and just 'nice things' to deal with the consequences of his gambling. This is not to blame you - it's so hard not to enable somebody when there is a genuine crisis and you have the means. I'd sworn off of enabling and then still given my boyfriend money for car repairs because it got to a point where he was risking his life getting into it (not just my impression, auto-mechanics were legally not allowed to test-drive the car in that condition) but I knew he'd still be taking that risk anyway. I didn't want to have it on my conscience that he (hell, anybody!) could end up in an accident when I had the resources to prevent it.
As you're trying to get help for him, please inform yourself about the addiction first, in general and his addiction in particular. You're spending your own money because of him, you might end up having a shittier life for years because of him - it's not "controlling" to look into his web history. Request access to information from him because it's your decision to make if you want to live like that and if you'll be the one handling the consequences of his gambling, you need to know what you're in for. Read stories from families of addicts and please don't think that others have it worse than you will, that your boyfriend's addiction is different. He didn't buy a lottery ticket or lost his wallet once - he lost insane amounts of money, he gambled until he was completely broke and has to rely on other people to bail him out.. and he's still gambling!? This already sounds very extreme, so just know you'll have to make a tough decision.
I don't mean to discourage you or tell you to break up - it's your decision and I hope his situation improves. All this is just something I wish I knew a year ago. Stay positive for yourself, not for him or to make him feel better about his addiction, and be very careful.
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