Hi this is my first time on a forum but I am now becoming desperate for advice and feel at breaking point. Have been with my partner for 19 years we have 2 children together problem is he is an active gambler not only that but over the years he has consistently cheated. I ended things 2 years ago because I mentally couldn't take anymore and we spend 6 months apart in which time he totally fell apart and would beg for forgiveness and I eventually gave in after many heart to hearts and tears we both agreed no lies and that I would help in through his gambling addiction but he had to be honest and allow me to take over finances. This worked in the beginning i'd actually never been so happy yes I had trust issues but I frequently spoke to him about my feelings and was open about the fact it would take me time to heal. Recently however the gambling seems to be taking over again twice he has taken my card from my purse whilst I was sleeping to use online worst is he didn't just come out and tell me what he had done it was only when I went on my online banking I found out I tried to even then not be angry I know he has a problem so we spoke about it I told him how upset it was making me and he then gets upset and tells me he is doing it for us. He has now resorted to borrowing money from friends to fund the gambling but then will go moody for days to the point I feel like I'm being punished with silent treatment and moods ( even though I know its because of something he has done) its became a pattern of behaviour and eventually he comes clean but then I have to take money from our savings to pay people back which then just leaves us worse off financially. Today he messaged me after 2 days of me asking him what was going on (because I could sense something was wrong) saying I was right he had once again blew money we didn't have to waste and would understand if I want him gone then asked for money to pay back someone he had borrowed from I agreed to send the money but only if he sent me proof he was paying it back which he did but I'm so tired I want to stand by him with everything I have but I don't know how much is left in me sometime I think do I really want this for the rest of my life. Sorry for such a long drawn out post I don't even know if I'm just rambling I just don't know what else I can do. X
Dear g86,
Welcome to the Gamcare Forum. Thank you for sharing openly what you've been experiencing, we appreciate this isn't an easy thing to do.
From what you've said, we can see that gambling is really affecting you and your partner, and your relationship together. Its understandable you are feeling tired and questioning what you want going forwards. For your partner, there is plenty of support for him to stop gambling if he reaches out to us. In the meantime, reaching out for yourself, as you have done posting today, is really important.
We would encourage you to take steps to support and protect your own wellbeing. This can include protecting yourself financially, for example making sure your bank card is hidden somewhere secure, and setting boundaries on giving/lending money. It may also mean engaging on the Forum and with ourselves, I'm sure many of the other users here will have advice for your situation too.
If you like, please do give our HelpLine a call on 0808 8020 133 or speak with us by Livechat. We are here for you 24/7 and we can talk things through with you any time. You are not alone in this.
All the best,
Jamie
Forum Admin
Hi... Blimey. Have just read your post. I couldn't begin to imagine what it must be like to be in your shoes. I am a compulsive gambler by the way but the difference being that I don't have a wife and children that are affected by my gambling.
The thing is this. After a loosing session most addicted gamblers are genuinely full of remorse, regret and want to do anything they can to "fix" things and make everything better. How does an addicted gambler try to fix things? Answer: more gambling. Cos the thing is this..... gambling is the only addiction where more gambling can seem like the solution as well as the problem. Its sick but its true. So the addicted gambler seeks out new ways to acquire new money with which to gamble with to win back previous losses. For example stealing partners cards, borrowing from friends and family etc etc. The addicted gambler gradually gets more and more desparate until a "rock bottom" is reached. Its an awful place to be in. I have been there many times. But it is also an oppurtunity to start a fresh to turn the corner and to stop gambling and start to recover.
From what you say, your partner is approaching or is at rock bottom. You cannot trust him with money. You need full control of the families finances. You need oversight of everything. Also if you bail him out, if you pay off his gambling debts to friends or family, then in one sense you are feeding his addiction. It means that he doesn't have to take responsibility for his addiction. Also ask yourself some basic questions....
1. has he committed to trying to stop gambling?
2. If he has what is he actually doing to stop himself gambling? Is he registered with GAMSTOP... this will stop him gambling online. Has he excluded himself from local bookmakers, casino's etc
3. Do you have oversight of anything?
Words can't be trusted. Actions is what is needed.
I will be frank with you, but personally I simply wouldn't tolerate been lied to and stolen from. I'd be off i'd run for the hills. But then am not you. I am on the outside looking and its easy for me to say these things. You need your own talking support to be able to work out what you want for you and the interests of your children. It ain;t gonna be easy whatever you decide.
I wish you well whatever you decide to do. Read on the forum, lots. So many others going through similar situations. Your not alone.
Â
Hello @g86 and welcome to the forum.
I'm so sorry to read that you're going through such a tough time. Living with a gambling addict can be so hard.Â
The difficulty is that your partner has to want to stop. You can't do it for him. He has to be fully committed.
Whatever you decide to do about the relationship, you need to protect yourself and your finances and look after your own wellbeing. The advisers on here can be a great source of support. It might be worth contacting them if you think it could help you.Â
As difficult as it is, you should try to resist paying off his debts as this will enable him to keep gambling, knowing that you will bail him out.Â
Take care and keep posting. You are not alone. There are lots of people here who can relate to your situation.
Very best wishes.
JÂ
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
