Hi,
I've known for 2 weeks now that my husband has been secretly gambling for 4 years. He has hidden his true salary and used a credit card for this. I think in time we can pay it off. It's not really about the money, although it's an issue.
It's the trust, or lack of. The deceit and the lies. We've been together 20 years. 15 years married. He, along with our 2 children, were my life. I feel like he's stole my life. Like he's ruined everything. And I don't know how or of I cam get over it. I'm trying to. I do love him. I always will. But without trust, what's left? I've always placed a massive emphasis on trust. Right from the start. And with the kids. Everyone knows how much I hate liars. How it's best to just say, even the really bad stuff.
I confronted my husband a few weeks ago about his gambling after seeing loads of notifications on his phone for betting apps. He made me feel awful for saying anything. Said there was no issue.
2 weeks ago his phone was charging and I saw notifications again, for larger bets
So I unlocked his phone and I saw how bad things were. I waited until later, when kids were occupied to ask him. I said you have one chance to be honest. He was. He admitted he has an issue.
He went to GA that week. I think he thought that would be enough. When I asked if he was going back the 2nd week, he said no. I said I think he should. So he did. But I think it was for me more than him.
I asked him to leave last week. I needed head space. But the reality is there's nowhere he can go, and we certainly can't afford to pay for anything.
He has given me control of his money. His salary now goes into joint account. We've deleted all the apps and blocked them. I've changed his phone to be an under 18s sim, so he can't access the content and I've blocked them all via our broadband too. So I think money wise we can be OK in time.
But how do you move on? How do you forgive? I am just so angry and hurt. I habe first hand experience of growing up with an addict, my mum is an alcoholic. I do not want that for my children. They are still young, 10 and 14. They don't know anything. We've kept everything normal, which is so hard. The only difference is he sleeps down stairs. We have a puppy so it's easily explained if they ask.
I just want my normal life back. I want to feel better, without the anger and constant overthinking.
How have others moved on?
Hi I am Sami i also addicted of betting i lost everything my phiscal mental health money
Hi Deedee, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have been through similar since finding out my partner was a gambling addict back in August. I completely know where you’re coming from, the feeling of betrayal at the beginning was so strong it almost felt like he’d had an affair, a secret life that was selfish and had no concern for how I would be affected. However, I realised how he had got himself into such a desperate awful situation that he had lost control over. He felt like keeping it a secret was protecting me, although in reality of course it’s the opposite. There are such a mix of emotions at the beginning that are difficult to navigate but I promise it does get easier with time.
Everyone’s situations are different; but for me I felt I could not give up on him. I felt he needed support and if I could be there for him I could help get him get through it which would help our relationship. And it did- nearly 4 months on and I can honestly say our relationship is the best it has been in years. He is happier, more relaxed, doing amazingly financially, he is more open and honest and ultimately our future looks better now than ever. We got here by doing the following:
- complete honesty. I told him from the start if he swerved my questions or does not give full transparency then I can’t rebuild trust and therefore we can’t work. He gave me passwords to accounts, gave me full access to finances and I pay him weekly from his wages enough to live off. I check his credit report regularly. We discuss all big purchases.
- put in all blocks possible. Gamstop for 5 years, gamban on all devices, gambling block on all bank accounts. At the beginning he took pictures of his recipts in shops so I knew he wasn’t buying scratch cards etc. This obviously reduces the chance of him being able to gamble but also gave me some peace of mind
- talk talk talk. Make time for a proper conversation every day. See how he’s getting on, any urges, makes plans for if they come, make him comfortable to come to you if he’s struggling. I think this helped him but also gave me reassurance.
-read up on the addiction. Learn about it- it helps to appreciate that this wasn’t a choice, it wasn’t him being selfish, it is a real addiction that causes pathological changes to the way their brains are wired
Whilst I think I will probably never get trust back 100%, and I’ll have to continue to have control over finances for the foreseeable, we definitely already have rebuilt more trust than I expected at the beginning.
The only way he will be successful in quitting is if he’s 100% ready. If he’s not he’ll hide things, try to get away with it and find ways to conceal what he’s doing. I set the expectation that he needs to show he wants to quit- speak to GamCare, self refer to the NHS gambling service for counselling and speak to his GP. He did it all and feels so much better for it.
Sorry for the long reply but there’s so much to think about at the beginning as I’m sure you’ve found. But just want you to see that it can and does get better, in less than 4 months my partner is nearly debt free and our relationship is doing so much better.
I wish you all the best and ultimately do what is best for you and your kids. If you feel you can’t move past it then nobody will blame you for that. But if you feel you can work through it, the advice I have given worked for us.
best wishes
misty
@lf8cexj759 thank you so much for your reply. I'm so glad that you're getting through this, and it gives me hope. I do want to forgive. I do love him. But fir now I just can't se how to get there. I didn't know about nhs self referral so I'll look into that for him. Thank you xx
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