How to help

He can only change if he is willing to change! If he can’t see what he is doing is hurting you and people around him he won’t change, you need to make clear you will not stand for this behaviour in future and it might have consequences down the line! 

Hi

My wife let me know that the pain she was going through was not about money lost but about my lies and my deceptions.

The recovery program will help your husband heal his pins and understand what emotions and feeling triggers him to Gamble.

My triggers triggers were pains I could not heal, fears I could not face, my frustrations, loneliness and my boredom.

The secret of recovery is getting a person to walk in the doors of a recovery program.

I walked in to recovery for my wife and family, that was not very productive, only when I was in the rooms because I understand how emotionally vulnerable I was.

It often helps to have a person walk in to the recovery program with them.

They do have Gamanon which helps the partner of the gambler.

 This works well in people in Gamanon have found healing and peace, yet some time people in recovery are still angry and hurting.

Often people who are married to a compulsive gambler internalize that some how that they are some how responsible for a person being an addict.

Not so for me if you understand that recovery is about healing the hurt inner child.

Events that happened long before you got involved with your partner.

The addict is often hard on them selves.

An addict is a vulnerable person who is being unhealthy.

If an addict can hand over all of the finances it is a help.

Encourage him you can.

He certainly does not understand why he gambles, so he can not tell you.

Encourage him as much as you can.

Dave L

It is indeed a difficult situation to be in. Harsh words and scolding generally don't work. Try saying something like this: "when a person is addicted to gambling they should tell themselves that 'I am sick and I need treatment in order to get better.'" Ask your husband to say this to himself and see if he feels like there is hope. It worked for me when my wife tried this approach. Best wishes.

Thanks for your responses everyone.

He’s obviously not making anything - he’s in massive debt…

Any thoughts on this would be much appreciated -Do you think it is helpful to set boundaries with an ultimatum I.e. I need you to prove you are willing to change through doing X, Y, Z OR I am going to leave. Or is that too harsh? 

@babybheeda i personally wouldn’t suggest ultimatums unless you can guarantee 100% that you can follow this through. I’ve seen a lot of posts here where the gambler was given an ultimatum but in the end the partner stayed giving a 2nd, 3rd (and so on) ultimatum.

As i continuously educate myself about gambling addiction, i learned that it is in fact a lifelong illness. My partner will not be cured one day but with consistent hard work and commitment he can cope and stay gamble free and enjoy life. When he asked for my forgiveness for all the lies and deceit, i honestly forgave him because i saw him commitment. Forgiveness doesn’t mean trusting him financially though, i still have oversight of everything. I trust him with everything except anything money related, he knows i need evidence, receipts etc.

The ultimatum i gave him was that if he gives up on himself then sadly i will be forced to let go. Meaning, if he stops working hard to fight the addiction, stops all the barriers in place, stops GA, etc then that means he has given up on himself. I will support him all the way - relapses and all as long as he doesn’t give up on himself. I hope he never relapses. But if he does, we will learn from it, fix the loophole that led to the relapse and then continue with the hard work. He has managed to stay 2 yrs gamble free so far, it is a lot of hard work and consistency and support in place but it can be done.