How to make amends

Hi CW - I believe it is "made amends to all those I had hurt unless to do so would cause harm" or along those lines. In the spirit of the step I think it is meant for all amends not just financial. It seems to take a while for a lot of CGs in the GA program to embrace recovery as it was intended. I don't think it means that your husband will never get there but it may take longer than the non CG likes or is willing to wait. I know from my experience that while my son continues on his recovery he really doesn't think his actions have impacted his family which I can assure you they have!! I would imagine it is much harder for a spouse to live with this and my heart goes out to you as it is so GD frustrating for you!!

Cathy

I think you understand it a d**n site better than your husband. I'm sorry no one at his meetings is giving him guidance. Meetings are abstinence 12 steps are recovery.

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Thanks for your replies. How are you and your son doing, Cathy?

It seems that I'm in the same old position of seeing what's wrong but there's nothing I can do to resolve it or even improve it. Over to the Higher Power and I'm off to read some readings pending next meeting. Except what about the children? Doing nothing to change our situation is effectively a decision for which I am responsible. Or should it be one day at a time?

Not easy.

Thanks again,

CW

My son is doing better CW. He is back at GA and has also been given some addiction counselling through our provincial health care. God this has been/still is such a long road!!

I feel for you and the other spouses as you have a choice - should I stay or should I go. I on the other hand can not divorce my son... this kind of makes my life easier if that makes sense??

CW I think one day at a time for now is the way to go unless you are absolutely miserable or you feel your kids are being harmed by the situation. I know how frustrated you must feel ... knowing that your husband has not yet embraced real recovery. You just want to shake them and scream ... wake up!!

Keep going CW ! You are a strong lady... you will know when it's time to make a decision.

Take Care

Cathy

Hi CW I'm on the otherside of the fence as a CG. The way I see what your OH doing is trying to repent for his sins , throwing himself into more and more work , allowing you to get whatever you need for you and your children and at the same time denying himself essentials but obviously if that is then having an effect on nights out and holidays and life in general it's become a bit of a problem.

Since I started my road to recovery the only one I've noticed personally is that I do throw myself into work more and I definately think thats about trying to repay my debt's more quickly ? but as for the other stuff your husbands doing I do find that hard to understand ?.

Sorry I can't be of any more use but I do wish you well.

Hi CW,

As you know I sit on the other side of the fence and my interpretation of "amends" is slightly different and I suppose it is my way of how I feel I am slowly making amends to my wife and family.

I have thrown myself into work less allowing me more time to cater for my family. Just being there for them, just being consistent with them, just being honest with them, just being a husband and parent for them. Just being me and not someone consumed by a gambling addiction.

Since abstaining my wife and I now have the opportunity to go out more (cinema, dinner or just being in each other's company). Something we were unable to do previously as I was always nipping off to a bookies.

I do more with the kids, take a greater interest, involve myself with them more.

In some ways the above is the opposite of financial restitution!!

Amends is trying to make things better - not worse.

Also trying to ensure the consistency remains by always making a bigger effort than before and being aware of others and not myself.

Best wishes

Thanks v much for all the replies - much appreciated. I think there is a financial element to amends, it's important but it's not the be all and end all, as ever, balance is key. But then the debt is to me and the children, the external creditors weren't too bad. We don't live the high life, we never have but we are luckier than others in this situation, our home is fairly safe and that's all that matters. So for me the money is less important, it's diverting his time and energy away from escape and towards us that constitutes amends. If only he would see that...

BW,

CW

Hi cw

Another great thread,challenging the thoughts from both sides of the fence.

I get the whole going without as a show of repentance from the compulsive gamblers thinking but I believe that this ultimately feeds addiction, in the sense that it will breed the woe is me feeling and promote the well nobody cares about me so I might as well go at it feeling.

Have you shared your experiences here with your husband because for me it's written in black and white from both sides of the fence and from the heart.

I have a belief that I see recovery as a gift, something that provides an opportunity for change the, through embracing that I believe emotionally and financially I have begun to make amends for the terrible acts i committed whilst actively feeding addiction.

My advice buy yourself those tickets, those nights out because you have been punished enough

Regards duncs

I think they throw themselves into work as it is the easiest most tangible way to address the problem. I think that it gives some sense of control that they are doing something to fix things. Dealing with the emotions is so much more difficult and harder to address yet unfortunately remains the root of the problem.

Hi, Cathy and HL,

My husband has absolutely substituted work for tackling his demons but Mr HL and the others here do both. As long as they are in recovery, work / exercise or whatever else fills the gap is fine, just all things in moderation!

BW,

CW

Hi CW,

​I would agree with Cathy's comment about financial amends being the least emotionally taxiing thing for an addict which is why most of us take said root. Steps 8 & 9 regarding making amends are at nos 8 & 9 for a reason. It is almost impossible for an addict to embrace and understand the spirit of these steps without a thorough working of the previous 7. There are a couple of publications on the subject within GA (possibly gamanon also) on the subject. The pink book Deviations talks about transient addictions such as work and the Working The Steps Pamphlet explains the nature of said Steps. I suppose this all comes back to how much more you are willing to invest in him & whether ultimately you think its worth the time and effort. It's incredibly frustrating living with both an active addict as well as one in denial of the work required to truly find recovery. Hopefully soon things will improve for you both.

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Hi, Dan,

Thanks and yes, I agree. The thing is, he was exposed in June, the group that do the Steps once per month must have been on Step 6. Which means that they're probably due to cover Step 12 shortly...

Am at the end of my tether, it's really damaging the children and much as I hate to say it, the emotional abuse (he doesn't like that term) is continuing. I'm doing no one any favours by waiting patiently or impatiently for a lightbulb moment. Will try another push towards repentance/ Steps/therapy but if unsuccessful there's no way forward with him in the house. Not where I want to be after 20 years.

CW

No I'm sure it isn't. I'm sorry you are going through this. You seem I thoroughly decent woman albeit a little scary! I can only give you my experience of steps, how they go about it at other meetings may differ. We hold a 2 hour step meeting once a week. It takes us around 2-3 months to talk through each one. I'm not sure pushing will help. What are his objections to committing wholly to the program. Are they the usual stuff such as HP, God & I don't need all that. Trouble with us addicts is we believe we have a gambling /drug/alcohol issue when what we have are life issues. When he can see that its not the external stuff that requires the work but the internal stuff that needs addressing, you will hopefully see improvements. How to get him to that point? I'm afraid you can't. Someone in his group maybe able to inspire him but generally it comes from within. I see it in meetings when suddenly someone finally gets it. They may have heard the same words a hundred different times by a hundred different people. One day they are eventually willing to listen. I wish I could give you something more definite but there are no absolutes in addiction. All I will say is while he continues to attend there is hope. The choice again is yours on how long you are prepared to put your life on hold for it x

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I think he's too comfortable, that he's unlikely to wake up spontaneously, hence the push. Last June, he was firmly pushed towards GA but to be fair to him he has stuck with it. Pushing him to face his demons will be harder, more difficult to find an incentive to offset the inevitable pain of the process. But we can't stay where we are now and the answer is not for me to change. Improve into a less scary version, but not to fundamentally change.

He was a decent and caring man before the addiction took over.

Thanks,

CW