How to move forward?

Hi pickle

Yep I had all those feelings. He promises to get better, was going to meetings and doctors. But I couldnt forgive. He would then get angry with me for not being positive when he thought he was doing everything right. Like he wanted to be rewarded for it.

I thought well sorry if im not doing cartwheels but you have lied to me for 18 months!! You have ruined all my dreams for the future. I can't ever trust you around money. Do i want to take on all of financial responsibility for life? I can never buy a house with you? Will i ever trust you again?

If you can move past the anger and hurt then fine, but you may need to talk to someone about how you do this.

I couldn't and I left my husband. The lies ran to deep and i couldnt forgive xxx

Your emotions cycle because not surprisingly, it takes more than 62 days for you to recover. Recovery is a long term project.

Echo advice to get help for you via counselling and GamAnon.

There's a lot written out there on the subject of forgiveness, perhaps worth reading round the subject. The advice seems to be to forgive when you're good and ready, not before, and to forgive for your own sake, because holding on to the pain and anger has a negative effect on you. That's not the same proposition as denying your anger because he wants business as normal as soon as possible.

Look after you,

CW

Morning all thanks for your feedback and comments. I think you've both validated for me that I'm not being unreasonable. He's lied to me our entire relationship but he's been lying to himself for 25ys, he sees that now. I question if our relationship is built on a fabrication if who he actually is (a common theme I believe) but I know that the addiction is in reality only part of him. When I'm struggling I see so many traits of an addict in his personality and I find that I struggle to even like him let alone love him. That I believe is born out of resentment and I know that is a very distructive emotion. My hubby isn't pushing for "normal" and apart from the occasional burst of anger which we both acknowledge is down to us both having bad days he's a better, kinder person. There are glimpses of the man I fell in love with and most certainly a less volatile father to our young kinds. I think I struggle with the lack of control maybe it's time to stop thinking so much it's just easier said than done!

Hi pickle initially it's all a massive shock. It takes time, but you need to learn how to deal with it. You have to be in control now, that means if finance but also yourself and emotions. You need some support, advice and to let go. Call gamcare, go to a gamanon meeting. It's a huge thing to deal with alone.

Hi

What you're feeling is all very normal and 62 days is barely long enough for the basics to have sunk in, let alone the deeper implications. Mr L is more than three years down the line (as far as I know) and I still have the odd snipe. Things are calmer now and he is pretty much back to where he was before all this took hold but truth be told I'm not sure I will ever fully forgive him for what he put me through. It was too much. He's aware and as far as I'm concerned it's him that has to learn to live with that. Just one more consequence to deal with.

Be kind to yourself and don't expect too much of yourself.

Hi Lethe, thanks for your reply. You were one of the first people who offered me words of wisdom that first desperate night when my world fell apart. I've signed up for counselling as I know this anger is hurting only me, but also spent time talking to hubby about the fact that focussing on just getting himself well will not be sufficient to remedy our relationship. It's an essential precursor but the road to recovery is a long one. Reading others posts reminds me how far I've come but also how far I still have to go xx