Hi all.
I will start by telling you briefly about my life. I am a mum of 2 boys age 3 and nearly 9. Married for 11y amd my husband is CG. I knew he gambled when I met him as he was "honest" about it. Did tell me he gambles but boy was I anawere to what extent it was.... Also I was young, in my 20s and never really looked into it or knew much about gambling.
So here we were building life together, every now and then I would find betting slip but he would either say it was one off or lie that he has all under control...nothing wrong with having bet here and there... I let go off it.
Then on few occasions he lost big over the years. Silly me fell for it each time he begged for a chance and promised he will change. Years gone by and the idea of raising kids on my own was terrifying so I guess I was more keen on helping him pay debts off than throwing him out and being alone. Plus feelings are strong and sometimes I believed that our love can conquer all.
Anyway...few months ago, few days before Christmas he lost all his wages and few hundred pounds of work money (he is delievery driver and handles cash daily). I was so broken, felt like life is just about to end. Nobody to talk to as only my one close friend know about his addiction. All I could think was:How could he do this before Christmas?! Was he not thinking about us at all?! Why does he care so little and who would do something like this?! I couldn't understand yet I knew I can't throw him out 3 days before Christmas. I waited when Christmas was over and I told him I was done as I don't believe he will change and lies will stop, I knew he doesn't realise how badly he is into gambling so I suggested GA meeting. He went first time on.04.01. First meeting really touched him. He came home all appologetic towards me and couldn't believe that after all he put me.through I was still here....said he now understood that CG is a mental ilness and that he is determined to get better. One meeting changed into 2 then 3 a week cus he liked them so much. He joined GA WhatsApp group but hardly ever txted with other guys to be honest. He is a very closed man, hard for him to open up. He doesn't have many friends and prefers to just stay home with me and kids tather then go out. But despite his personality he did get out of his comfort zone and spoke about his gambling many times on many meetings. I thought all is going in the right direction. His personality changed for better. No more exploding at me, no more anger issues, silent treatment or resentmant towrds me, he was so cool and pleasant to be around with.
Then about a month ago he had a slip up. Although I hold on to his cards and he only gets money for lunch or drink (if I make him lunch he still has work cash) he did have work cash
500ВЈ gone in what 2hrs after work?! I was so upset. I went mental and couldn't stop shouting. All I have managed to save so far for holidays this summer and he has done it again. What about GA as I thought this is doing well for him...I was confussed
Then I read about relapses and slip ups and I thought ok...this is one off. Aparently everyone gets slip ups, some more than once. I paid work money back. Left with nothing again but this time I made him work this money back. My friends are looking for a painter to paint the upstairs house and he will do it for them for 500f. I said to him he will have to do it , work weekends and pay this back to me. Agreed. He is meant to start next weekend.
Now...ever since his slip up I have been back on "watchdog". Hate doing that but can't help it. I need to know what's going on. The more I snoop the more I found. Simple thing like...he took my son for haircut and didn't bring the change back and had nothing in his wallet. Where did that 5ВЈ go?! Then next day after that I have seen him browsing l*******s website. Something that he wasn't doing ever since started GA.
More digging and I have seen few days ago msg sent to his brother who lives in Italy to lend him 300euros! I asked...he said he just wanted it for us to have. What a bull....he is such a proud man, never borrowed money from nobody, even when we needed it.
Than I checked bank cards and credit card which is the only card he has a hold of incase of emergency he always has ВЈ10 there. Or that's what I thought... Every month he was paying his card off bit by bit and on Friday withdrawn £50 from it! How sneaky and how foolish was I not thinking he may do that!
Next thing u know I confronted him about it and he went mental. Angry, shouting, calling me names and telling me to f***f! On the front of the kids.too. He really kicked off. Didn't speak.to me for 2 days. I was in tears as I recognised this behaviour straight away. We were fine, he was fine and now he is back into the game but swears on kids life and denies it strongly.
He had over 200ВЈ with him yesterday. Said it was work money. I think he won it on Friday from that £50 he withdrawn of his credit card
and now is just back in the game. Last night he was checking for l*******s addresses near our post code at 10.30pm and this morning got up 5am as he couldn't sleep and usually doesn't leave house until 7am but left earlier. I checked his history search and first thing this morning he was searching for l*******s then looking at grand national horse racing pages. He couldn't sleep cus all he is thinking about is betting. Back in the zone again.
I am so heartbroken. I don't know what to do. If I confront him again he will deny and get angry. He will say he is only looking. He will lie like he is use to cus he doesn't want to loose us.
I haven't got a living proof he is done something really but I know he will go and bet and I am scared he will touch work money again. He knew he is on his last strop with me and if he plays again I will have to walk away yet still he is doing it again.
Is it slip up, is he actually wanting to quit? Is this addiction stronger than him? Can anyone pls tell me how is recovery helping out and if they too had a bumpy ride to start with but succeeded in the end.
I have put my heart and soul to help him and stand by him but I feel like he is using me again and treating me like a fool! Is there any hope to the end of it or should I just confront him now and let him go. I am 34 and no longer know what to do in my life. I am laying in bed. Kids have half term. I am so sad and depressed I don't even want to get dressed let alone take them out. Any advice will be highly appreciated pls.
Hi KasMG. Yes, most of us who are with a cg recognise your story. In my experience the only thing is GA, no excuses. I go to gamanon too so I get help and support regardless if he goes. I found out many years ago when my cg asked me to counter sign a loan. I refused and the debt was uncovered. I knew he gambled, he knew I thought it was a mugs game. He want GA for year, handed over finances, all good. He then secretly gambled loans. If he'd wanted to stop he would. He didn't want to. It all came to a head when he was 'ill health' retired. It definitely affects mental health. Longer they gamble longer they take to recover. You need to secure your finances, no more bailouts. Find a gamanon meeting. Get support for you. If he wants your relationship to work he has to actively seek help. Living with an active cg is hell. Call gamcare, find a meeting. If you give him cash, he has to supply receipt. If he steals from work he has to deal with it. If you continue to help, he will continue to play.
Thanks a lot for your msg. I know deep inside I done wrong bailing him out but all I could think of is he is going to loose his job and what will we do then? Panic attack kicks in and I usually help him out to help us all; if that makes sense. But u are right, as long as I do this he knows I will have his back so he probably feels he can give into his urges. He handled me cards and finances but will not supply me with receipts as he thinks it's just too extreme. I should be able to trust his word. That itself rings all the bells to me! He hates when I snoop and gets angry when I bring a conversation up about what I found. That again is a red flag to me. Why would anybody hate it so much for someone to check their phone if they had nothing to hide. My concious is clean so I don't ever get jumpy when someone takes my phone. Is as simple as that.
Every time this happens and I find something worrying re:gambling and betting my feelings towards him are fading away and I become more immune to his games. He think he is clever with me by going behind my back and lying that he isn't doing nothing. But it will all come to light sooner or later and I won't be there to help him out. I feel like there is nothing I can do no more but stand on the side and carefully watch him fall again at his own wish. He just doesn't understand that this time I have no more strenght to carry on and no more will to fight this with him. My anxiety is so bad and relationships hangs by the thread but by the look of it I am the only one who sees it.
Kas call gamcare. Find a meeting. This will help with your anxiety. I totally understand the fear of the loss of job. I've done all those things too. Paid off loans with savings. We learn the hard way. You know the excuses, you know the moods. I don't know if you can say to him how much this affects you. It's unacceptable and destructive. You are perfectly entitled to say how you feel. I don't know how you make someone listen. I just went to a meeting and told him where I was going. I told him I was going to get strong and he could stay at home and be weak! I know bonkers but it worked.
I told him all. I mean every feeling and fear I had and when he joined GA back in January he was so understanding of it all and was so supportive towards me. He was a changed man and now I can see just by his reactions to my questions that he is sucked back into it. I mean we all know the two diffrent sides of CG. Loving and caring vs arrogant lier.
He still attends meetings regularly. Don't really know why to be honest. He keeps saying they work for him but clearly not if I caught him searching for betting shops addresses near us. Something inside him has snapped a month ago and I can see he is spiralling back into the game. All I can do is watch him from the distance and wait for him to either shake up or fall down on his knees again... There is no point asking or bringing things up no more of what I found or what I suspect as we all know he will deny deny deny... I will try to deal with myself and focus on the kids and if the time comes when he plays big again I will take your advise and not bail him out. He needs to grow up and take responsibility. I have been too soft and always feeling sorry. They are very good at making u feel sorry aren't they?!
This time he will have to fix the damage himself.
X
Wow ! Your story rings true to me , the thing that hit me the most was when you said your feelings are changing towards him, I'm like that and it scares me that this makes me thing less off him and to an extent I can hate him sometimes for being so selfish , lying , and down right manipulative , when all I want to do is help him be the man he's meant to be , a good kind honest loyal loving partner , I had the same feelings so you at the start of this half term and struggled with my girls due to having a bombshell with his gambling , Iv picked myself back up for them , d**n it was hard ... I'm lucky in that mine goes away to work so I get breathing space when he's away so I don't have to think about it ... I hope you find some peace soon and it doesn't effect you all too much... Just know that you are not living this nightmare alone ... We are all going through it together xxx
Thanks Hol. I don't have anyone to talk about how I feel none of my friends will understand. I do have a very close neighbour (thank God for that) that struggles with her partner's drinking but that's not even close to what living with CG is. She does however understands the bit about feelings fading away.
I can't help it. It's almost like the love I had is burried deep inside me and I cannot look at him the same way yet don't feel ready to walk out. I am so confused... I guess I am just hanging on to the glimmer of hope that he will change and all 4 of us will live a happy life... He is a good man and in times like this I have to reach deeeeeep inside my gut and bring myself to think about any positive sides of him cus there was many reasons why I married him and them reasons are still there. Sometimes just overshadowed by the nightmare of gambling. Days when his behaviour changes (I guess them days he is fighting his demons) or he plays up I can't even talk to him or sleep in the same bed. It takes me long time to get back to normal as all I feel is just resentment, anger and disappointment. Then I think to myself how can I love him if I don't even like him?! It takes so much effort to get loving feelings back only for him to get me back right in a black hole. That rollercoaster is so draining. I feel so emotionally burnt out and also have problem with sleeping. I wish he looked at my side of this sometimes rather than keep saying that I don't understand how hard it is for him and how much he is trying to quit. And only guys in GA understand etc. Of course I will never understand but at the same time he will never understand my side and round and round we will go.
God! I never in my wildest nightmares imagined I will have to go through this. I just want to a normal happy life. 🙁
I am glad I joined this site. I can finally open up and let it all out and have people that will understand me. Wish I have done it earlier cus last couple of months I was emotional wreck. Only now started to overcome my anxiety. Still have to take sleeping pills though as without them I will be up all night overthinking stuff.
If only there was a way to shut down all the bookies eh?! Maybe our lifes would get that much easier.
Thanks for all the support
Have a peacful night xxx
Hi Kas, I’m sorry to hear you in this much pain & would urge you to find some sort of a support group both for you & your neighbour. I do agree that only people in GA will “get him” in as much as they understand the strength of the urge to gamble but I can assure you, people there do get the damage they have caused to our loved ones & whilst they may be encouraging him to be selfish in his recovery, that means getting to meetings & working the program, not blaming & taking his frustrations out on you!
I understand why you snoop but not what you are hoping to achieve...Every muscle in your body is screaming @ you that he is doing it again so why do you need proof? Gambling has financial consequences but it is not a financial “illness”, it’s an emotional one & it’s not just about who pays back the debt. If he really is prepared to do what it takes to get his addiction under control, he would be agreeing to your terms...Providing receipts is extreme but so is stealing!
I get that you love him but you need to find the strength from somewhere to go on. You are driving yourself crazy trying to fix him when the harsh reality is only he can do that & @ the moment he isn’t. Behaving badly @ anytime is not good but in front of 2 small children, it is unacceptable & you have every right not to live in fear. GamCare can provide counselling & the National Domestic Violence hotline 0808 2000 247 is open 24 hours. Time to stop wasting your energy on him, focus on what you & your children need because I can assure you, whilst in action, regardless of what fairytale he’s living, it isn’t life.
Try & look after you - ODAAT
Yeah I'm still hoping for the happy ever after... It's hard... Especially when we love them , if we didn't we could walk away , I get help through a counsellor , from break even, he kept telling me I needed help as we would argue and I would lash out , manipulative side of him pushing it on me, I got sick of hearing him say it , so got help to show him I wouldn't be manipulated in thinking it was me , he worried when I said it, maybe coz then he would know that I understood it more, which I do now, it makes it easier to have someone I can talk to who deals with it, I get to unload on him , so I'd say please get some help from them , mine is over phone every week , boy do I need it , like you I have no one to talk to , my family and friends know, but they don't live with it , so although they try to help they can't .... The amount of times he has lied to me makes me so sad , that's the main thing for me, I'm so honest to the point where it gets me in trouble , I dislike lies, my pet hate , which we are up against all the time, mine has agreed to self exclude from bookies, he gets help via a counsellor but still does it, that's what frustrates me , as I tell him it's Obv not working , mine used to go to GA to make me happy, he told me after when he gambled and got bad , that he used to lie throughout it, so that Obv didn't help mine, Iv suggested couples crisis counselling , but he's not up for that , which makes me sad , get access to his credit file , do it whatever way you see fit , either ask him, or just set it up for him ( I will prob get in trouble saying that ) but desperate times , you will know his previous addresses Ect to set one up and his loans and stuff , it's easy to set up , at least then you can see when he's applied for credit , as for stealing from work , my first long term partner done that and got fired, the shame it brought on me and my family was too much and I ended it , I was with him 8 years and had a daughter with him, I think if he gets caught you won't be able to cope with shame so you may have only one option than xx as for worrying about money , there is help out there for single working mothers, check out what you are entitled to xx
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