Hi,
I have been with my husband for 6 years. We are in our thirties and have two young children (2 and 4). I have a daughter who is nearly 14 - I had her when I was very young in a very short lived relationship - and over the years we have faced challenges that come with being a blended family. My husband and her have an ok relationship - they have had times when they have been closer - and on the whole we are a happy family.
The last year has been hell with my teenager and on top of this, we have been navigating our middle child’s diagnosis of autism. It isn’t ‘severe’ in that he can talk, is super sociable and active, but his first year in school has been seriously challenging. This has been on top of me leaving my job teaching and beginning a role that is shift-based.
Last year, just before my son’s diagnosis, I found out - he did not tell me, well, he had to after the ‘evidence’ was there - that my husband had been gambling. This was in the throes of remortgaging, at that point me having no new job to go to and having a tough teen on top of two tiny people.
Fast forward, my husband is doing really well at work but his ‘juggling’ continues to be poor. He makes empty promises about things like DIY, thinks that it’s ok to join friends at a racecourse after racing has ended and twists all my frustrations on my ‘craziness, jealousy and mental health’.
Now; yes, I am an incredibly insecure person. I have given him grief for his previous relationships for the last 6 years which, in a relationship let alone marriage, IS absolutely unacceptable. All I will say, in my defence, is I feel my feelings of insecurities are exacerbated his lack of romance and care for me.
He plays football every weekend which I think is utterly selfish with a family - something we regularly argue about. I think with a young family this should not be his priority anymore… they are only little once, right? He is out 12-6/7 every Saturday September-March.
Anyway, in the last week I have realised I haven’t seen his account or savings account for ages. All his wages go into our joint account and we both withdraw money from there. I have ‘taken my eye off the ball’ and realise I haven’t been asking him about any money he takes out.
I have now asked to see his account and he is refusing. He says that he has nothing to hide and I’m crazy, I’m a b***h etc and that I nag at him all the time.
I think he is either fronting a lie and is gambling, OR perhaps he isn’t, but, I feel that after relapsing less than a year ago and with our money all tied together, I do have the ‘right’ to see what he is up to - if that is anything!
We have now had a huge row and I’ve said it’s over. I love him very much but I honestly feel I’ve become more crazy being with him because of dishonest nature.
Please offer thoughts/advice…
Hello Anon1993
Thank you for sharing this.
It sounds like you’ve been through a really difficult time over the last year or so, with navigating family and work challenges and changes as well as the worry and stress around your husband’s gambling.
Gambling can have a huge impact on relationships and trust and I can hear how upsetting it is to wonder whether your husband is being dishonest.
Hopefully you’ll hear from others on here who can offer their support and share their own experiences but if you ever felt like having a chat about everything, you’re really welcome to contact us. Our Helpline team can be contacted on 0808 8020 133 and/or through our 1:1 Livechat (which are both open 24 hours every day). You may find our chatrooms helpful too – you can read more about them here.
Wishing you all the best and I hope you’re able to continue connecting with others on here.
Take care,
Claire
Forum Admin
Hi anon1993
yes you are probably right. It’s always our fault for being a crazy woman.
check through the account you can see, see how much is going out and how often.
I’ve never had a joint account. I’m not quite sure how that affects credit reports etc. do your own credit report.
your insecurities come from many things but underlying causes will fuel them. His behaviour shows and fuel suspicions.
Try and be calm and look after yourself and the children. Take time out for you and let him look after them. Get some support.
Hi
If he is unable to be honest with him self he is unable to be honest with you.
For me it was my fears of rejection and abandonment that caused me to not be honest with my wife.
In time my wife asked me each if I Had gambled that day.
She told me that if was my lieas which were a betrayal of her trust and me lying was very pinful.
She felt that I was lockering her out of our relationship.
It helps for people to get escorted to recovery meeetings.
It seemed almosy impossible for me to walk in to the recovery progra.
Also there are gamanon meeting for partners of gamblers.
In the recovery program which helps us abstain but more importantly learn to heal our pains.
There can be much support from gamanon meeting for partners of gamblers.
Sorry to hear you are suffering in your pains.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
As someone married to a gambler who hid it for long periods, this smells VERY fishy.
We now have an agreement that I can see all his finances. We made the same agreement once before, years ago, and it fizzled out because he made me feel like an awful person for wanting to check. Turns out the gambling was back, and was far worse. Now he has eye watering debt and things are much harder. Definitely persist - do it calmly and with conviction, as it’s a totally rational thing to do with someone who has a gambling problem, and who is also your partner and co parent.
You’re far from alone in this situation, sadly. Sure it’s familiar to many who are close to gamblers. But take strength from the fact that you’re not being crazy.
Also, you can get support! Call the Gamcare helpline and ask to be referred to a group for affected others, or one to one support. (Or both, like I did 😁)
Talk to friends and family who will be supportive. Don’t do it on your own - it’s heavy.
Please don't let him gaslight you into thinking you're crazy. You're not crazy. Maybe you aren't the most secure person but I have no doubt he is doing things to feed your insecurities (gambling and/or other behaviours). The fact that he won't let you see his bank account is a huge red flag to me.
He also needs to pull his socks up and devote himself better to his children and his wife. Sure, he can have his hobbies if he's pulling his weight the rest of the time, but something tells me that he probably isn't. When do you get 6 hours (or even minutes) to yourself?
Sending love, from another mum of small children who gets it. I hope you have a friend who you can talk to
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