Husband's gambling leaves us with no money

Hi Mary, welcome to the forum 🙂

In short, it's a no I'm afraid, not unless he's willing to let you! I'm uncomfortable with it being his money if he has a family & suspect you will need some really good support to help you move forwards here. Call the helpline, speak to loved ones, if you can, get to a GamAnon meeting. This is a vile addiction for adults to manage, when children are caught in the crossfire it becomes even more of a struggle. Maybe think of the PE in her knickers as a life lesson for being more careful, that isn't guilt you need to be carrying & I know times have changed but it didn't do me any harm!

You need to figure out a way to look after yourself & her both physically & financially, even if he is the only breadwinner, because whilst he's active, he's not being the husband he should. Keep strong - ODAAT

ODAAT wrote:

Hi Mary, welcome to the forum 🙂

Thank you!

Hi Mary that's a shame that your child is suffering because if his actions. Realistically you need some help. If a gambler wants to stop they need to realise the problem. You need to have separate money from him to pay bills etc. Can you call the helpline? Maybe find a gamanon meeting to help you. As for pe kit maybe lost property at the bus garage or the school may have a spare in their lost property. Good luck x

ODAAT wrote: In short, it's a no I'm afraid, not unless he's willing to let you! I'm uncomfortable with it being his money if he has a family & suspect you will need some really good support to help you move forwards here. Call the helpline, speak to loved ones, if you can, get to a GamAnon meeting. This is a vile addiction for adults to manage, when children are caught in the crossfire it becomes even more of a struggle. Maybe think of the PE in her knickers as a life lesson for being more careful, that isn't guilt you need to be carrying & I know times have changed but it didn't do me any harm!

You need to figure out a way to look after yourself & her both physically & financially, even if he is the only breadwinner, because whilst he's active, he's not being the husband he should. Keep strong - ODAAT

Well, once all the food and other shopping is done, he keeps the rest for himself, which means there is nothing left for unforeseeable things.

I know it is her fault for leaving her stuff on the bus too, and she has learnt her lesson, and knickers was what I had to do back in the day if I didn't have my kit, but I was a bit surprised it still happens now!

Merry go round wrote:

Hi Mary that's a shame that your child is suffering because if his actions. Realistically you need some help. If a gambler wants to stop they need to realise the problem. You need to have separate money from him to pay bills etc. Can you call the helpline? Maybe find a gamanon meeting to help you. As for pe kit maybe lost property at the bus garage or the school may have a spare in their lost property. Good luck x

Tried the bus company, they haven't got it. The school doesn't keep lost proerty lying around more than a week or two - they just throw it out if it isn't named and no one claims it.

What about you? Why does he get to keep all the 'spare'? It's not my place to judge but if he's not contributing to a family rainy day fund then surely you should get some of that to do what you will with? Seems to me that if he has that level of control over the finances, it is down to him to replace lost/damaged items! I know I'm sounding very bitter but what worrying is he doing about this?

I grew up in a house of addiction, the man in the corner shop giving me my bus pass on tick, standing shaking in my shoes if the ticket inspector got on as I got older because it was too embarrassing to ask him!

You being in this state is not conducive to a harmonious environment & if you can't have the discussion with him @ the moment about things needing to change, then you really do need to find you some support!

I know things need to change, but there is also the issue of my daughter having to do PE in her underwear. She's going to have to do it again tomorrow. I know its a life lesson for her, but just the once should have sufficed? I'm not going to resolve the issue overnight!

Could you maybe ask one of the other mums if they have some spare kit for a few days?

ODAAT wrote:

Could you maybe ask one of the other mums if they have some spare kit for a few days?

I don't really know any of the other mums, as my daughter usuall makes her own way home from school. I'll have a ring round and ask, though

Thanks for your advice

Hi, Mary,

I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through, the problem with being enmeshed in a relationship with an addict is that you lose sight of what's normal. Being unable to replace a PE kit in the circumstances that you describe isn't. Money can be used to as a tool to control, as can a culture of isolation from friends, classmates and family? And as ODAAT says, there is such a thing as family money, even if he is the breadwinner (and bread loser).

My kids lose things, leave them on the bus, yes it's annoying and yes they're careless and but they're human and like all humans, they make mistakes. And kids do have the common sense of kids. I also don't rush to replace what was carelessly lost or damaged but PE in underwear is extreme. Do you have a class list with email addresses or a WhatsApp group for the mothers so you can put out one request for kit? Or do the school office keep spares or offer a second hand uniform shop?

For advice and support about the gambling, call the Helpline here, and try GamAnon meetings (if he won't let you, that's a red flag, try the National Domestic Violence Helpline, 0808 2000 247).

Take care of your daughter and you.

CW

Cynical wife wrote: I also don't rush to replace what was carelessly lost or damaged but PE in underwear is extreme.

Hi

Thanks for your advice. I've managed to replace my daughter's PE kit now, but do you think I should say something to the school about her having to do that, or do you think I should just leave it?

Hi Mary

Sorry to hear what you are going through and many of the people you will talk to on here have been, or are still in the same position as you. So you have come to the right place. It sounds like you need to seek help at home as well as on here. Partner's gambling addiction is a hard thing to try and sort on your own and the more support you can get the better especially for the sake of your child. If you are feeling intimidated by it all then take the good advice of CW above. I know it can be hard for some of us to ask for help but it is just a case of making a phone call or a visit, explaining your situation and asking for ways to maybe help you and your child and also your partner. Perhaps if you call the Gamcare helpline to start with that may give you a little more confidence to ask for help elsewhere. If you talk to the leader of your Parents Teacher's Association they may help you with what to do if the PE kit goes missing again and you need a replacement. In fact, joining the PTA is a good way of meeting with other parents and making a few friends. I think they are happy if you just come along and make cups of tea now and again or help with fundraising. Also the kids always like to see Mum helping out at these things. Its up to you of couse. These are just a few suggestions to help you on your way. Good luck to all of you and hope you keep us up to date with how you are getting on..

Hi, Mary,

FWIW, I think PE in underwear is beyond wrong in this day and age - if my kids lack kit, they have to sit it out amid tellings off in primary school and risk of detention in high school. But that's just my opinion and the problem is that it's not cyber strangers who should be deciding or advising how you tackle the school. In a normal relationship, you and your husband and possibly your daughter would decide what to do.

Repeat previous advice to get help for you. The gambling problem and the behavior that goes with it pervades everything. Go to GamAnon and or call the Helplines. And take steps to become more connected with other mothers, ditto your family if appropriate and your friends. Because your situation (not his gambling but your situation) won't start to change until and unless you do.

Take care of you.

CW

Hello MaryBB4

Welcome to the forum there is some good advice here from other forum members. Problem gambling and the loss of trust can put a great strain on relationships please see here for further information http://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/partners-friends-and-family

It may help to speak with an adviser they will listen to your concerns and can give you support and further information on other help available. The freephone helpline number is 0808 8020 133 and the helpline is open 8am -midnight. Helpline advisers can also be contacted through netline http://www.gamcare.org.uk/support-and-counselling/frontline-services/netline

Keep posting we are here to support you

Take care

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