Hello,
I was wondering if anyone could offer me some advice or support about my husband's problem with poker.
At the beginning of 2013, he became interested in playing poker, mainly online at first. Initially, it wasn't really an issue but as the year went on, the occasional flutter turned to playing most nights online and also live games in casino or locally organised events.
I tried to speak to my husband about his playing and how much it was truly costing him, but of course, was accussed of nagging or 'not liking anything he was interested in'. I am in charge of our house finances and whenever he got paid from work, he would always give me the money required. Although I could not see how much personal money he had spent.
At the end of the year, things came to ahead. He would often lie about whether he was playing when he went out, but I could see by looking online at local casinos if he had joined a game. He also bought books and chatted to his friends about how to be a 'better player'. Poker was continuous and a regular habit. He has a group of friends who also play all the time, and they were/are constantly messaging about their latest tactics, wins, 'flops'.
My husband is a lovely guy, but has a tendency to become a bit of a sheep to fit in with the group and be involved. He also has an addictive part to his personality.
He eventually confessed at the end of last year, after spending a good few thousand on poker (and not winning anything), that things had got out of hand. He agreed to let me check his credit rating online, to find out he was 5k in debt, had massive interest charges per month and was missing payments on his personal outgoings.
He promised me he would stop, we have a baby coming in May. We decided to take a consolidation loan out to pay off some debts and reduce monthly payments. In his defence, he paid off his car loan and closed the account, he paid of his credit card and closed the account, leaving his 3K overdraft paid but the account not closed as of yet.
He also gave me control of his bills and pay check, giving him an allowance each week, and the rest he can't touch.
Today I did a bad thing, I went on his Ipad and found him messaging his friends about poker, I also logged on to his ********* account to see recent payments from £8-90 ( in total a few hundred) coming from the account we had just paid his overdraft off in literally the last 5 days.
I guess the short of it is: What do I do?
He promised he would stop but he hasn't and is doing it behind my back. This has been going on for a year and I don't know if I can take the impact it has on our relationship.
We have a baby coming in May. I can't afford to be upset and stressed at this time in my life.
He almost certainly would refuse to cut ties with the group of friends that play poker.
Although, he confessed it had got out of hand last year, I don't think he see's it as a problem and said what went wrong was that 'he didn't manage his bank roll' properly.
Help! It is making me feel ill and depressed.
Thanks, Rachel
Hi Rachel, welcome to the Forum and well done for sharing this post about your husband.
I gambled for twenty years before stopping around six years ago, so my opinion comes from that perspective.
There are some encouraging points about your husbands behaviour; he admitted he had a problem and he handed over control of his finances - there are many, many compulsive gamblers who never reach that point and never will.
On the downside, he has gone behind your back and started gambling again without telling you. That is unacceptable.
This is a sincerely true story about a very close friend of mine. He was a professional Poker Player, rated as one of the best in the UK and appeared frequently on television. Over three years, he made between £3000/£4000 a month and bought a new house; his wife then got pregnant and life couldn't have been better in his eyes.
Then suddenly, he had a "bad run", and lost around £60,000 in two months, and then started making less money overall. He then tried to put the house on the market, only to find that the value had dropped from £350,000 to £270,000, so he couldn't sell it, and he couldn't find a job either because he had effectively abandoned his career and had a three year gap on his resume. They ended up losing pretty much everything and have seperated sadly. Poker is mostly luck with a small element of skill, there is no getting away from that and nothing will ever change that scenario.
If he doesn't see it as a problem, then why does he feel the need to risk large amounts of money? If this was the case, then he would be happy playing for loose change, or for nothing - he craves the euphoria of winning, and betting large amounts will give him that - it is this he craves and not the money, or the game itself. This applies to all forms of gambling, not just card games and the like.
He doesn't have to abandon his friends - I have friends that still gamble and that is entirely up to them; my true friends accept and respect the fact that I don't gamble and that is that, anyone else isn't a true friend. If Poker is all that they think about and play, then they clearly indulge in it to suit themselves, and certainly not the people around them so your husband would likely be much better off if this is the case.
I would confront him at the earliest opportunity and tell him that it has to be absolute zero tolerance honesty from now on with no exceptions; tell him that you would rather know the worst of what he is doing and feeling rather than nothing at all - ask him to contact you each and every time he feels tempted, or is about to do something stupid.
He had an opportunity to prove that this wasn't a problem, and he has failed twice. No-one can beat the system; he can read as many books and speak to as many people as he likes - so-called "professional" gamblers are just like my friend - they win over a short period of time and become over-confident; the reality is that over a five year or ten period, 99.999999999999999 of people who gamble will have lost money.
He has made a mistake and he needs to address it my friend. When your child comes along in May (congratulations by the way), he is going to have to share the responsibilities and give as much as himself as possible - if he is playing Poker online for hours upon hours, then he will end up having a direct affect on both your lives.
Try not to be angry and judgemental this time around - explain everything, explain that you appreciate he has made a mistake, but this has to be the final one, ever - you won't accept him going behind your back again under any circumstances.
This is a short-term problem, and it is positive that he has done the things he has as I mentioned above, so there is potential for nipping this in the bud, but it means you have to clamp down very quickly, as well as him taking a long look at himself and deciding whether he needs help to put this unfortunate saga behind him.
I wish you both well. You seem like a nice couple - i'm sure he is a decent, honest person without gambling in his life; I wouldn't dream of lying or covering up things now, but I certainly did when I was gambling - obsession is a very powerful thing, it can cloud the mind and make you act in a way that is completely alien to you. I hope he can come through this my friend, I sincerely do.
JamesP
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