I don't think things will ever change.

Hi

I'm sorry to see this. Are there any positives at all for you in this relationship? Maybe it's time to shift the focus away from him and his problems and consider why you think it's OK for him to treat you this way.

I know we love each other and have always been there for each other through good & bad times, which makes it all the more sad. It's taken a long time for me to reach the conclusion though today that I don't think I can help him any more. I've done the famous 'wrong' things along the way by bailing him out financially, fixing things as well as comforting him through times when he has been depressed because of the outcome of the addiction. He's always sorry but can't stop. But I realise I do need to take care of my own welfare too & not sure how much more I can take.

Hi feeling defeated I'm sorry you feel like this, there is nothing worse than being with an active compulsive gambler. We understand and most of us at some point have felt like that too. Have you called gamcare for support? Have you ever been to gamanon? Has he been to GA? Does he recognise it's a problem? I've been married 17 years and he's continued with a gap of 1 yr. we first went to GA and gamanon about 12 yrs ago. They advised him to hand over all money, his salary went straight to my account. This meant all bills and mortgage were paid. There were many loans and many things we gave up. He secretly continued with lunch money etc. So if your cg is willing maybe you could do this? Do credit reports to find out what's really going on, for you and him. Seek help wherever you can online, gp, meetings. Stepchange help with debt, citizen advice. Look after yourself and keep your finances separate, don't pay any more debt. Look after yourself, good luck!

Thank you MGR. I'm really sorry to hear of your experience too. It makes you sick to the stomach doesn't it?

I haven't been in touch with gamanon, I didn't know about this until now but I'll look into it. My partner has been going to GA meetings on a regular basis (or so Im led to believe!) and has found these to be quite beneficial until this recent slip. He recognises the gambling to be a problem and can even offer sound guidance & support to others going through similar problems via these forums & meetings. However, I believe (and I think he does too) that he only does this to satisfy myself & others & isn't completely true to himself. I think he is a consistent liar and an expert at it. Whilst he was in recovery (allegedly) he changed his car & I foolishly lent him the deposit which I now know to have been spent on gambling & he financed the car for the whole purchase price, so I'll never see that again! He has visited his GP who gave him antidepressants, which inevitably he'll stop taking soon no doubt. He won't hand over control of his finances despite him saying he would a few weeks back. Stepchange manage his debt but I'm pretty sure he'll have found other sources to fund his addiction. I'm at my wits end with it all quite frankly. I love him & want to support him but I'm powerless to help the situation. I'm beginning to lose all hope in our relationship now & that saddens me greatly. Fortunately, our house is in my name and we have separate bank accounts, but hope for a positive future together is diminishing fast.

Hi feeling defeated. It's a road to hell thats for sure. My cg 103 days is like s different person, it's so weird. I think if you want to see if he means it ask him to repay you the loan you gave him for the deposit. He thinks he can just forget it and move on. That might make him realise you have really had enough. I went back to gamanon when this latest mess came to light. He didn't want me to go, don't go alone, it's a long way.....I got my bag and went. It's tough but it's great support and once the first meeting is over you feel better. The next day he said he'd come. Monday came he said maybe not, don't go. I said I'm going to get strong and you can stay here and be weak. He got in that car. It's tough love, if you want change, you need to change. Stop doing the same things, stop asking questions, stop nagging, stop making cups of tea, anything to make them realise you can do it without them if you have to.

Hi there feelingdefeated

I think I know how you feel. I've been with my husband for 23 years, married for 18 years and have the same problem as you. He gambled pretty much from the outset but stupidly I never realised that he was actually addicted. He lost 15K about 7/8 years ago and vowed that was the very end. What an idiot to have believed him. Only found out three weeks ago that he's been pretty much non-stop for five years. Well, I have five years worth of statements but can guarantee it was prior to that too! I don't think he ever stopped.

I think there are some cg's who can stop but mine is not one of them. He is downstairs talking to our children right now after not seeing them for three weeks and my son has just come up to tell me he's still lying.

I hear the other partners on here who are so supportive, looking after their partner's finances, giving them pocket money etc but I know deep down I can no longer do this. I love him, always will, but sometimes you have to realise when you're beaten. I've had 23 years of money worries. I don't want it anymore.

to all of you out there doubting your future, I'm so sorry. I know how awful this sll is.

It's just so sad. So many of us questioning what to do, confused by our reality. I feel on one hand it is an illness that takes hold but resent the way my husband uses this as if it's vindication or justification and will suggest that if he's willing to give me cards and access to account that's proof he wants to stop and thetegore he will stop but he's told me he will stop before, and I thought he had. What I resent most is being lulled into false sense of security and being encouraged to jointly make decisions about our lives and finances when he knew full well I didn't have all the facts thus I made decisions for us as a family that are detrimental but I didn't know that as he was lying and concealing it. How was it right to do do- hiding to cover up as part of shame is one thing but to lead me into situations such as moving house and commuting to private education for kids was so truly wrong. Now I feel guilty as I should have somehow detected it was all an illusion of security and that he was over the gambling. I don't know how we qualified for mortgage based on his gambling online - he must have taken breaks consciously to have three healthy months of statements Snd then gone back to it and then the loans started creeping in to cover the normal bills whilst his salary went on gambling. In his mind this is not getting loans to fund gambling but getting loans to cover day to day. To me it's the same thing. The logic is warped, the emotion is warped, the expectationThat I just suck it up and get on with it is wrong. I do see on here evidence of Cgs putting effort and time into stopping and healing things and helping others. What I see from him is half hearted effort to fix the finances and no more and then only when one debt solution fails does he think if invedtigating another- no sense of urgency. It's so wierd. If a partner really wantd help and can be your ideal partner aside from the gambling then I can see that a joint approach to moving forwards might be healing and possible. But if you are left to deal with it alone then how can you be expected to commit to more uncertainty.

Hi LTTF & FD, that is why people who 'get it' are so adamant with the gamblers that they need to come clean...Half truths & well intentioned promises count for nothing.

Having the wool pulled over your eyes financially is not uncommon & lets face it, if the experts in the industry can't detect it, why would you? If a mortgage application can pass the scrutiny required, then to be fair, if I were having niggles, I'm pretty sure that would re-assure me that I'm just being daft. & whilst I can sympathise with him saying he will stop (goodness knows I said it to myself for long enough) the truth is he can't just stop or he would have done so. I too took out loans afterwards & justified to myself that they weren't for gambling...Odd then that I always applied for that little bit more than I needed, just so I could "have a play". Or @ least that's how it was meant to play out. Reality is, that "little play" was never enough & I continued to gambled whatever I could get my hands on until I needed another loan and so on & so on & so on etc.

If they really wants to stop, they will comply with your needs: total financial transparency, meetings, counselling anything you need to move forwards. Resistance to the meetings & counselling I get because that means them digging deep & getting out of our comfort zones but there is no excuse for the unwillingness to give you full financial visibility (including credit reports). This could be shame, it could be great plans for that big win to stabilise them it could even be fear of finding out the true extent of the damage but whatever it is, it isn't recovery. We're not unique knowing how to help others but that shifts the focus from us helping ourselves, just like pointing out other people's weaknesses stops us addressing our own because "I'm not that bad." There's a difference between talking the talk & walking the walk & until they shows you more than lip service, you are right not to trust them & be fearful of your futures.

Do try and get to a Gamanon meeting, you need support so that you can do what thet aren't & that is look after you - ODAAT

Hi,

I don't want to depress you, but my experience is as follows: I've been on the forum a little over two years, I have financial control, barriers are in place, he cooperates, we both go to regular meetings and I see no evidence of further gambling in that time, certainly not with family money.

But have "things" changed? His stopping the gambling hasn't solved our problems and magically made our relationship better. And according to the reading round the subject that I've been doing, it was totally unrealistic to expect, as I did expect, that once he stopped, he would immediately become "normal" and the man I thought I married.

So why not? Gambling in itself is a symptom of existing dysfunction and problem. The purpose of using is to mask, escape from or otherwise numb the pre-existing problem. The effect of using is to monumentally increase the damage. But when the using stops, the underlying dysfunction remains and in turn needs to be addressed. Dan (day@atime) has written a lot about this aspect, well worth a read.

I have come to the painful understanding that it's really not just him. I am no less dysfunctional. I was attracted to and have been living with and excusing someone who has not been emotionally available to me for many years. I am a co-addict and if things are to change for me, then the onus is on me to stop practicing my codependency and to change my responses in all aspects of all relationships. I need to look after myself first and foremost because looking after me is not anyone else's job. And looking after him and fixing him is his job. I don't need to make a lifelong career pattern of losing myself whilst trying in vain to manage the lives of other independent adults who are sufficiently adult to live their life themselves. Therefore however frustrating I find my husband's refusal to work the program and face his demons, I can't force him. I have to decide if I can live with it but changing him is his job.

I echo advice to go to meetings because there is no substitute for peer to peer support.

Change is long term, one day at a time. Keep the focus on you because real change is you changing you for your own sake.

CW

Thank you so much everyone for your comments, they all deeply resonate with me in so many ways. CW, a few things you talk about really hit home because it makes total sense of what I'm experiencing. He talks of going into complete self destruction as a means to numb the underlining deep rooted issues he has. (some of which I know about). He himself says the gambling is a symptom of these other issues he's never dealt with. The problem is, he won't get the therapy he probably needs to address it. I'm very interested in learning more about the underlying dysfunction theory, do you have any more information on that?

Hi, again,

I spent a lot of energy seeing the "stinking thinking" operating in my husband and trying to get him to deal with it so that we can be happy together. And I don't have the slightest doubt that I "know" the reasons for his dysfunction.

But all of this is simply me practicing my own codependency. I am me, he is he and it's not my responsibility to fix him. His problems are his problems and it's not safe or healthy or appropriate for me to adopt them as mine. (I have my own.) To attempt it doesn't respect his undoubted capability to do what's needful if he so chooses. In the same way that when he tells me that he's sorting himself out but I need to do XYZ to improve myself, he isn't respecting me.

Each of us can only change ourself, not the other person. The advice in AlAnon is to get off his back, get out of his way and get on with your life. This leaves him facing his addiction without financial or emotional support or cushioning and without a recipient for his blame or excuses.

For each of us, we are our own person, responsible for our own well being, regardless of what he does or doesn't do.

You've hit on the part of my earlier post that relates to him but not to you. I did the same, but we need to learn that our recovery is about us, not the gambler (once security is dealt with). Read Dan's thread but in terms of f&f looking after ourselves, I find "Women who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood helpful, also Pia Melody has written on the subject. Not easy reading but worth it.

CW

Thanks CW, you're completely right, and I do agree and I'm also learning, that we can't change anyone else no matter how much we want them to. Although It doesn't take away the emotional pain that might come with 'leaving them to it' particularly if your value instinct is to love & protect as best you can. This bit I struggle with. However, the more I read about people's personal experiences, I'm finding a some comfort in knowing that in some cases, it's the only option and that there is life after all of this.