Day 0

Thanks Pink Lady : )

Today is day 71! 10 weeks have passed and I am feeling strong still. Just getting on with it and ticking off the days. Crazy to think how much life has changed in such a short period of time. Gambling was literally my life, it's not a part of it anymore. 

I am still skint but I stayed in a hotel 2 nights ago and I had to pay £100 deposit. I never normally would have it. I did. And I paid it. It felt good. I can buy things from the supermarket I want now.

I still have a lot of financial repairing to do but I could always find money for gambling, now I have a couple of hundred pounds which floats me and it doesn't go to gambling. Hoping by Christmas I will have got rid of all debts to friends and although I will still pay others, I may be able to look at savings and establish an emergency fund of a few months expenses. This alone I know makes my partner feel more secure and also myself. If anything goes wrong, I can be self sufficient rather than borrowing, spending it on gambling and having to borrow again. 

It feels good. 

My head isn't worked out and I feel an immense amount of guilt but starting to believe that I was / am poorly and not a complete a*sehole.

The road to recovery is long but the green shoots of recovery are starting to sprout and I really think I have this.

The realisation that I would always lose and up stakes means I am able to tell myself, it is just giving the money away and causing pain and making awful decisions. 

It was definitely escapism, dopamine craving and now the world is a bit quieter for me day to day and I am here for it,

Have a restful weekend all.

@zbgykpo0l3 Another lovely read Jason. Sounds like you are doing/thinking all the right things 👌. 

The best way I deal with my debt is to just tell myself, “no matter how small my payments to Stepchange might be, I am still reducing my debt on a monthly basis so this is good enough for me”!

Like you, I am now able to have separate little pots of savings funds, which is great for days out/any other bits and pieces that may crop up and I need additional money for 👍.

Take care and enjoy your day.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Thanks Pink Lady. Good idea with the pots, gives us some short, medium and long term goals too : )

I had my second therapy session today and today is day 81. I was asked to write a goodbye letter to gambling but, instead, wrote this poem. It is not at all well written but it did help me to write some short, sharp things on paper to make me realise my thoughts on gambling and how it had effected me in the past and how I will view it moving forwards.

Goodbye gambling,

You took me away from my true self, suppressing the good person that I know myself to be.
I lied, coerced and manipulated, willingly helpless as I lost sight of the real me.

You were the parasite that I was infested by, controlling my body and brain.
My resistance was feeble and futile, time and time again.

You were calling me to the rocks of disaster with your sweet song of fun, dopamine and highs.
Alas, all that was promised were simply false dawns, time wasted, lost memories and lies.

But now I am shaking you, I'll breath no more life into your advance.
I know I must banish you to give my life a fighting chance.

So long darkness my old abusive friend, I pray we never have met again by the time my story ends.

With you gone they'll be no more betting, no more chasing. But without you I know, I'll be able to resume my life as the real Jason.

Stay safe, sane and healthy everyone. Just remember, there is no point gambling as we can't stop sop even if we win, it's all going back. 

Jay

@zbgykpo0l3 👏👏👏👏👏💙

Well done Jay.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Inspirational stuff my friend. I cannot tell you how motivational it is to read of others doing well. To see people realise they can spend money on themselves and others is such a great feeling. Gambling has taken so much from so many of us and to see people being released from that grip is so so good. Normal life is what we all want. It sounds like you have that and are relishing in it. 

If anyone is reading this, please take note. Engagement in here is huge. Read the diaries. Start your own. Watch your progress. Follow someone. It’s so good for your mental health and progress in beating this. This guys smashing it, and is well on the way to being the person he wants to be. It’s not been easy. It’s not a walk in the park, but he’s put the effort in and he’s getting there. We are all in the same boat. Let’s get each other through this.

Keep it up mate. Hate the gambling. Love the rewards from quitting 💪

Well, here I am on day 109. Didn't know the exact day count and it's racking up for sure. A couple of thoughts about gambling but really, just old memories more than anything. 

The knowledge knowing that one bet would spiral me into a world of pain and I simply couldn't win as I wouldn't stop is keeping me on the path to knowing it's a lose lose situation for me. 

I feel resolute and have bought my Christmas presents early this year, can buy anything I want for dinner in the supermarket and can function as an adult. Not messaging friends and family with another lie to borrow money is a blessing in itself. Financially, I have a long way to go but, having a float to get the basics is a great feeling and the relief and not scratching around to pay people back is so freeing, I can't explain it. 

I have hope going in to 2025 and I hope others can do the same and start on this path to freedom. 

Jay

@zbgykpo0l3 Lovely to hear Jay 👏👏👏. As I always say, when we have hit that rock bottom and spent all of our salary on day one!🙈. Then just living and breathing by the skin of our teeth until next payday 👎.

knowing that we have money to pay for the basics and even better, like you, having money to be able to buy your presents well in advance is just a great feeling 👌.

Keep up the great work and May you enjoy the lead up to Christmas 🎄.

Take care.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Thanks Pink Lady, I hope you had a great Christmas : )

Day 138. Christmas gone and the new year is here. Spent far to much over Christmas but for the first year ever, it wasn't on gambling and I didn't borrow money to get by. I strangely had a dream I was gambling last night. I have no idea why. Next target now is 6 months. Happy new year to everyone. It does get easier with time and recovery can be done.

Well yesterday marked 6 months since my last bet. I haven't posted on here as much as I would like to as have been busy but recovery is going well. Life is very different now to when betting. I am present, although money isn't exactly free flowing yet as had to pay debts to friends etc and still have other debts to pay for a while yet, I now can buy myself anything for dinner, play a game of sport, but a new t shirt etc and living like a normal human is very rewarding. I am confident that I will never bet and I am very aware that just one bet will lead to destruction and devastation because, even if I win, it will all go back as I wouldn't be able to stop. With this realisation comes peace. When you no there is no point and you get it out of your head that you can win, you really do accept the fact that it is completely pointless. 

I have actually enjoyed sport more. Watching it for the drama it creates rather than sweating on financial ruin for the month is incredibly satisfying.

I'm excited to see where this gamble free journey takes me and my quest to rediscover the new, 'good person' me continues. 

Wishing everyone strength and peace today and moving forwards.

@zbgykpo0l3 Lovely to read once more Jay. Congratulations on your six month g.f journey 👏👏👏. Hope you are going to treat yourself, no matter how small.  It’s important I feel 🙂.

Take care.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

I have been gambling again. I got a new phone, didn't add Gamban, traded some stocks then fully back onto sports gambling. All hard work down the drain, lots of money gone. Really f****d off with myself! What a loser!

Blocks back in place! Thoroughly fed up and very angry!

Sorry to hear this Jason! At least you have acted quickly and put the blocks back in place now! As s**t as it is, what's gone is gone.  Reading your thread you have been working terribly hard to get to where you was, my advice? Get back to posting every day and keep the focus buddy.  Don't give yourself the means time and money to bet. If you have those 3 means it's game over a lot of the time and in this instance getting the new phone have you the means. You got this.

Well I am back again. I have been gambling for the past 6 months or so and wasn't ready to quit. It's cleaned me out again and I am now on day 6.

It has definitely been used to distract me from things. Work, relationships, everything has suffered. Feeling like a pretty bad person again but day 6 is making me see a little clearer. 

So broke it;s untrue but have read back through my diary and I know if I had have kept my good work up, I'd have been in such a great position by now. I am going to use that as duel and energy for this next, and hopefully, final attempt at being clear of this.

Jay

Day 7 - First week under the belt and it's gone quick. My last bet was 2 basketball games and Forest vs Midtjylland last week. Over 2700 lost and probably another 30,000 so far this year + 75k last year if not more. Has to be half a million in total. If I can just stop, I can still look back in a decade and have recovered a fair bit and have a normal life. All blocks in place and I feel this time I can do it after doing well last time and falling off, I don't think I'll make the mistake again. It's the realisation that no matter what the bet, it always leads to bust town, always. Even if I have a good run of a few weeks, the end result is always the same. Not even going to play lottery this time. Complete abstinence.

@zbgykpo0l3 Hi Jason.

I have just typed up a long response and then when I pressed “send”, I realised I wasn’t logged on so I lost the lot!!🙈.

Basically, you can do this, you have done this previously and it sounds to me that you are still determined to better your life again financially, emotionally and physically 💪👌🤞🙏.

The one thing I would say to you is to make sure you have EVERY block in place there is, so you are unable to return to gambling.

I went 470+ days g.f and then had two lapses last year - one in July and then another in September 😢. From this, the best thing I did was to contact Gamcare, who gave me a free link to have Gamban put onto all my devices. This was a godsend and since then, I have not gambled, not lost any money but more importantly, have had no inclination to do either!💪👊👌.

Take a read over my diary for an update 😝.

Take care and stay determined and committed and once again, you will find that your life will only improve once again in more ways than one👌.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.