My husband has confessed his gambling to me, and 4 times we've gone through the "this time I will stop, this is the last time, let's sort this out" scenario. He is attending GA meetings regular, and getting support. I however struggling. I love him so much, but I'm now counting my pennies a week after pay day as he can't help with running the house and bringing up our daugther. Every day I'm counting my pennies whilst looking at him and thinking "you did this to me!!!!" I am slowly getting angrier and angrier. My rants at him are getting nastier and nastier. I'm in bed by 8 every night, and feel like I just hate everything and everyone right now. i feel I'm doing everything on my own. Im cancelling swimming lessons, our TV subscription, our pet insurance all to save money. I ask him to call a company and advise them he's struggling to make the payment and he just says I will. And that's been going on for 5 weeks. Hes now missed 2 payments for that company. He's not working with me. I'm trying to help. How did you learn to live with your partner and not hate them? Please don't say for me to go to the Gamanon. I'm scared someone will know me there and I really don't want anyone to know how we are living, I will just close up, say nothing and not return. Please don't say go to the GP, I won't take tablets for anything. I am already diagnosed with post natal anxiety and depression. How did you cope with it all? Thank you x
Have you tried the helpline Sparkle? If it's anonymity you need, I'm sure they offer an online or netlike counselling service...It's got to be worth a shot?
I'm sorry I can't help you with the other stuff...I'm the gambler in our family. What I will say is he still needs to step up. Procrastination is something he will be discussing @ GA & there's no excuse for how he's behaving. Sorry I don't know your situation so can't quite get my head round why he is not able to help bringing up your daughter but I can see why you are getting so upset. What exactly is he bringing to your relationship...None of us like admitting the mess we have gotten into but what exactly is he bringing to the table if you are sorting out everything? There's a difference between trying to help & taking control...I completely understand why you need to but what are his consequences? I don't know the answer, I know walking away doesn't work for all of us (I've had that advice time & time again with my mum) but equally, this is no life for you. You have absolutes nothing to be ashamed about if you do decide to walk through the doors of GamAnon for some invaluable support which you really do need. PND is a challenge in itself without this nonsense on top.
I don't know how to sign this off other than to say, please try & look after yourself - ODAAT
Thank you ODAAT, I'm sorry that you are going through an issue yourself. I say he can't help with house and our daughter because everything he earns needs to pay his debtors. He's agreed some ridiculous repayment amounts ( which I have asked him to try to lower and won't ) and is just about getting enough work to cover that, I have got myself 5 grand in debt since December by helping him cover these payments and I can't keep doing it. I have nothing left, I'm not sure he realises what he has done. He doesn't really apologise or anything. he works for himself and is very much in a robbing peter to pay paul situation. I do have control in that I have access to his bank and track his whereabouts. I have his bank card but he does have cash from his customers from time to time which I only know about from him telling me in advance that's it's due. I've had a really rough year with having a premeture baby which started off the PND, she is now fine, but I lost another baby back in October and it would have been my due date next week. So admittedly I probably have my own issues that I'm angry about and it may not be all him. However, I don't want my marriage to end, which is why I need to rid this anger. I know other relationships have been successful and I'd like ours to be. I just want him to work with me, not against me. Are there any things that were put in place that helped you? Do I literally have to just blank it all out to be able to move on? I want us to be happy again. I will consider giving the support line a call as suggested, thank you x
I would suggest that its best to do the very opposite of blank it out - to face it and make the best decisions for you and the children. Otherwise you're storing up trouble all round or at least such was my experience.
Like the addicts, I would question whether it's possible for us to do it alone. I got it badly wrong first time round and one reason for that was a lack of support and of accurate information. I put my head in the sand because the alternative seemed worse but actually the results of my not so blissful ignorance were worse. I also didn't want to rock the boat but a dysfunctional eggshell peace isn't worth it. The help and support is out there but it's down to you to take it by whatever means you are prepared to take it (all in GamAnon are there for the same purpose and it is anonymous).
The problem with freeing up his income so that he can pay off the debts that he incurred (and may increase) behind your back is that he doesn't then make a fair contribution to the household. Which means that indirectly you are taking on responsibility which is arguably not yours to take. Every adult expects to maintain themselves and their families unless there's a good reason not to. You are paying for his gambling, he may be very grateful for your good nature and your apparent help but from the tone of your post, it's not doing you any favours. Does that matter? Possibly not to him but I would suggest that you operate on the basis that you do indeed matter.
Look after you first so that it's possible to look after others.
CW
How could you blank it out? He's almost lost you your home, has gotten you an additional £5000 in debt since he supposedly stepped up & as far as I can see is giving you zero support in what clearly is an incredibly painful time for you. Remind me again what you are fighting for because whatever it is, he doesn't seem to be doing the same & it really isn't good enough. Hurting or otherwise & there's a very good chance this will be a difficult time for him too, the fact of the matter is, he can do something to help & isn't bothering for whatever reason that may be. If he has set up unmanageable payments it is his responsibility to grow up & renegotiate...If the debts are with irresponsible lenders even better because you & the household bills come 1st.
Things that were put in place to help us was me admitting I had a problem & handing over my finances, not just access to my bank card...All of my cards & accounts. Have you ever seen any receipts for his cash payments, I assume he's keeping them because gosh, what would the tax man say otherwise :-0 I know what I was like & call me a cynic but I can't help thinking his inability to shoulder any responsibility is because he's hiding something. Have you read any of his GA literature? There's a little paragraph about GamAnon in the little orange book that I alluded to earlier. You've had all the advice I have to offer on your other threads & there's no magic wand to stop the hurt. You have to stop worrying about what other people might or might not think of you & start taking care of yourself & your baby. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh Sparkle & I am very much in your corner but apart from saying I am here if you want to 'talk' there's nothing else I can offer.
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