Just don't know what to do

Hi katiecola. Has he lost his home as a result of gambling I take it? If so, I know it sounds harsh but I don't think you owe him anything. When is enough enough? What makes him stop? It wasn't losing you and it probably won't be losing his home. You can't fix him and if you could he'd be fixed by now. He has to do this alone. All that taking him in would do is allow him to take you down with him.

I understand the guilt and feeling responsible for him but he isn't a child and noone has a gun to his head making him gamble he makes the choice to do it. He chose to lose you rather than stop.

Remember this could be worse, you could still be together and you too could be homeless right now. You were strong enough to leave please don't get sucked back in.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh and judgey! I just admire you for making a change and leaving and I think you deserve your fresh start and you deserve to be happy. Good luck x

Hi Katie

I remember how hard and how long you tried to make him see sense before things got so bad he left you with no choice but to leave. Take it he's lost the house through continued gambling in which case taking him back puts you and everything you've worked for over the past two and a half years at risk not to mention the risk of destroying any peace of mind you've built up over the time he's been gone.

If his mother won't have him there's no reason you should. If losing his family wasn't enough why would losing his home be any different? It might be, it might not but is it worth the risk to you?

Thank you both for your replies. It's what I wanted/needed to hear. He was renting from a friend ( I was awarded the house in the divorce) and my husband came clean to him about DMP because he was struggling with increased rent. His friend was angry and has chucked him out. I know this is going to sound stupid but I don't think he has been gambling ( he has told me in the past when he has had a relapse). He has never been good with money(!) and I think bills have come in and it's all got on top of him. It's just very hard when I'm tucked up in my cosy bed to think where he is. It is heart breaking. If the roles were reversed he would never allow me to suffer in this way and do nothing to help.

Hi, Katie,

It might help to read through your previous diaries? If the roles were reversed, would he allow you to steal from him and to jeopardise his future and that of your daughters?

It won't help anyone for him to go back to how things were or for you to do for him what he should be doing for himself. If he works and doesn't gamble, he should be able to put a roof over his head and manage his finances.

It's fine to look after you.

CW

Hi Katie

I wish more people were like you. You clearly have a big heart but i hear what others are saying about protecting yourself.

IF its possible for you to help him whilst keeping yourself safe, then whats wrong with considering it?

Maybe start by being the friend you clearly still are and take it from there? No need to say anything more until you have all the information do you?

Hi, again, Katie

It's amazing how the spam gets through, apparently from non robots. (Libby, not Tri.)

Turning back to you, remember the idea of detaching with love. It's not punitive or borne of malice but rather the recognition that he has to take responsibility and deal with consequences and fix himself because no one else can do it for him. That allowing the merry go round of denial and gambling to start up again is more dangerous long term. Detaching with love is probably the hardest thing to actually do.

CW

Thanks for the replies (well some of them!) I do need to sometimes remind myself of all the c**P from the past. I'm so good at blocking it all out, my way of coping I guess. Detaching with love is the hardest thing to do and actually even though we are divorced we are still very emotionally attached. I have offered to meet up with him ( one of our girls doesn't want to see him right now) so I can't invite him over for a meal at the moment. I will continue to text him and offer my support but I won't be offering him to stay here as things stand.

Hi Katie

We do live parallel lives, don't we?!

As hard as it may be, you cannot take your ex in. It's so easy to get drawn back into the whole nightmare again, but you need to maintain a distance and just point him in the direction of extra help - there's plenty out there. There would be many stages he would go through before being 'out of the streets'. He needs to sort this one out for himself and you need to stay strong - look how far you've come in the last few years!

Thinking of you. Take care. You deserve more x