I wish this was all a bad dream!

I have read about self excluding. Today I have emailed some of the online sites my son is using asking them to exclude him as he has a problem. I don't think they will take any notice of me as he is an adult.

Hi WCID not only will the online sites take no notice of you neither will your son... a compulsive gambler with no real interest in stopping will always find both the money and the sites to gamble on. I know it sounds harsh but things will get to where they need to a lot faster if you stand back and let him go. I know it's hard ... I'm a mom too but the only thing that is going to happen right now is you are going to feel, angry , hurt and frustrated. When he admits there is a problem then you can provide support! Until then I would make sure you protect yourself as active CGs (loving son or not) don't have a lot of lines they won't cross to feed the addiction.

I really don't mean to sound negative but going through this will be one of the hardest things you will do as a mom.

Cathyxx

Thank you for your explanation day@atime however I feel that it is something you can learn to control over time even but it's a hard road. How have you managed to control your gambling if not at all are you now willing to do something about it? re What can I do I sympathise with you completely when you said I don't recognise the person he has become I don't recognise my partner his mood swings his snappiness his unwillingness to pay me any attention anymore there sucked into this world and seem to have no way of gaining control unless they want to! Like many others have said on here you have to let him get on with it it's tough I know. I can't imagine to begin what your going through as I don't have any children myself as he is your child it makes it so much harder you will always have that special bond for me I could walk away. It's positive that he's making baby steps to seeking help and your doing so well for not shouting at him. As I've been told it will take a long time for things to get any better try and stay strong. Please try and seek help for yourself while this is all going on. I attended a GA meeting last night and it helped me so much to realise your not going through this alone there are other people with the same daily struggles. They will offer you advice and support and advise you on ways to handle the situation. Unfortunately your son will only seek help when he is ready so make sure your there when he comes to you for help and have the all the tools ready to help him. I hope you sort this all out I really do. Good luck

Having a down day today. My boyfriend and I haven't been speaking since I found out this has all been going on and I miss him terribly. I've been going to work to keep my mind occupied but as soon as I get in and shut the door I'm surrounded by my own thoughts and I burst into tears and can't stop! I'm so torn my head is telling me I'm stupid I should be walkng away and getting on with my life without this anguish and my heart is telling me not to give up because I love him so much. I'm finding this so hard I thought I could handle it but I'm starting to realise I can't. Can you live a happy life with a compulsive gambler can you learn to trust them again? I think I need advice from people who have found out their partner is a CB but they have accepted it moved on and stayed together through it. Then I couldn't find myself wanting to look after his money if I had to or watching his every move I don't know if I could live my life like that. I'm so lost!!!

You poor lass. You are torn. im sorry I can't give you any advice on what to do, it's your choice but as you say how long do you wait how long do you spend hoping he will change and conquer this awful addiction. I can understand the trust part as at the moment I don't believe anything my son tells me. You have to decide if you have a future with your boyfriend if you want to start a family with him knowing what you know. I have read stories on here where couples have been through this and have conquered it but it can't be easy for either of you. We like to think the best of our loved ones and even though we try we just can't put ourselves in their position. I'm on pins everytime I look on my sons bank statement. When and if the time comes where he can admit to having a problem I will be there for him but I will expect him to work hard with me to achieve the best outcome. He is my son so I can't say what I would do if it were my partner with the addiction. Chin up pet none of this is your fault you remember this. Hope you have a better day tomorrow xx

wcid

Hi, A,

I am 20 years married with children. I wouldn't recommend it. We're still together because I didn't know for most of it what was going on. If I had known at the outset or copped on in the early years, when my mother was still alive and functioning, I would have fled. As it is, we are barely hanging on and long term I'm not optimistic.

Sorry but I don't buy into the idea that the decent person is in there somewhere. In our case, the addition corrupted what was undoubtedly very decent when we set out together, probably because of the length of time. What's left is very scarred, no self respect, no confidence, no maturity, still inclined to hide away and blame me. I had hoped for the change in attitude as the fog of addiction lifted but so far, it's not happening. And I can't wait for the lightbulb moment indefinitely. Or else I haven't quite reached my rock bottom.

That's my experience, which hasn't been good. However, where there is a change in attitude and the addict behaviour stops, then there's absolutely reason for optimism.

Waiting for recovery hurts, I wouldn't advise you to sacrifice your life for him. It can work but only where there's full active and ongoing recovery. Or maybe with time and once you have the chance to grieve for what you should have had together but can't because of the addiction, it might be possible to move on.

Tale care,

CW

Hi all,

It's been a while since I last posted on here so I thought I would give you all an update as to what's been going on.

I decided to split up with my boyfriend at the beginning of December was bad timing considering it was over my birthday and Christmas. I wanted him to realise how serious the situation was and that I wasn't willing to put up with his gambling anymore.

It made him realise and he is now getting the help he needs. We got back together in the new year and now we both go to a counsellor once a week and he hasn't gambled for 50 days! Let's just hope it stays this way. Sometimes they need something to happen for them to wake up and realise that their ruining their lives and the families or partners that suffer to.

I hope things continue to improve.

There is help out there for the people who want it but they have to admit they have a problem and that's not an easy thing to do.

I'm taking each day as it comes and trying to remain positive.

Don't give up!

A

Hi,

Glad to hear that things have improved but do stay vigilant. Being a CG is a long term condition managed on a daily basis. He isn't cured.

BW,

CW

Hi all,

So all the familiar horrible feelings have crept back up on me again the constant sick feeling in the bottom of my stomach. Laying here unable to sleep or switch off I need some advice.

As I mentioned before my boyfriend and I decided to get back together tbh it's been a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. It's been a month and we've been arguing constantly. He hasn't gambled for 70 days which is good however he went round his friends last night and decided to play poker even though they just played with chips apparently. Should I be concerned he said he can control his gambling but I'm sure a lot of you have all heard that before! He said it isn't a big deal because it's just chips but it's still gambling and I'm worried anything can send him down the path to self distruction again.

As per usual im told I'm over reacting and I'm being selfish at the end of the day I'm not the one with the problem I've sacrificed so much and fought so much for this relationship when is it all going to get better because at the moment I can't see no way out! If it's not one thing it's something else.

I just want to be looked after and be spoilt like every partner should but right now I feel like I'm the one looking after and babysitting him and I can't handle it. Who's looking after me and making me feel better no one I just feel so alone. I don't know if I have the strength to do this when I try to make him understand how I feel he lashes out and I'm made to feel like I'm over reacting.

To me this is not a happy healthy relationship anymore too much has happened and I feel like there's no coming back for us it's getting worse. Don't get me wrong we have had some good times since we've been back together but the bad has out weighed the good! I feel so alone I don't want to talk to my friends and family about it because they know everything that's gone on and they will just think I'm stupid so I lock myself away in my room and let it all out so no one notices. This is no way to be I just don't know what to do anymore I feel useless.

Hi, A18,

I've been having counselling and last session I was asked the killer question: before I knew of the addiction and when meekly putting up with all the addict mood swings and other behaviour, why didn't I think that I deserved better? The counsellor wasn't condemning or judging me, she was asking why. Ouch.

In our case, my husband stopped gambling last July without working the Steps, counselling or anything else. He was basically in dry addiction, ("dry drunk") the other addict behaviour continued unabated. Not surprising, really, he wasn't facing his demons and his addict ego was as inflated as ever, he was merely abstaining but not in recovery. Even I realised that this was unsustainable and I insisted that he have therapy if we are to stay together. It's still early days, his sessions are more spread out than I'd like, I hope we can sort out marriage out but if we can't, we can't. Short term, his behaviour has clearly improved but bless him, he can't understand why I keep looking back, why can't we just look forward.

In your case, gambling with poker chips is not a sensible activity for a CG but you know that. You don't need anyone to tell you that he's doing the usual addict routine of blaming you. And when I read up on line, it seems that dry addiction is unsustainable, it easily leads to wet addiction.

As ever, the advice would be to put yourself first and to get all the support and information you need to make the right decisions for you. Being caught in the trap of thinking that it's down to you to save him from himself is totally unhealthy. You can only look after you.

Take care,

CW