If you had known beforehand...?

Honestly? I'd have run a mile.

If anything were to happen to Mr L and in the unlikely event of me feeling like getting involved with anyone again even gambling for 'entertainment' would be a complete dealbreaker.

That said, it can be worked round successfully so long as everyone involved is prepared to do what it takes and keep on doing what it takes. That means you (us) being on top of everything financial for life.If you know any potential financial damage is limited it makes life less uncertain. If you were to have children that means no access whatsoever to any savings in their names for him. He will need to be willingly on board with whatever you ask. Mr L will never have unscrutinised access to family finance again and he understands why and accepts it.

Mr L is under no illusion what a relapse would mean for him and us. I will never tolerate what I went through again. Three plus years down the line so far, so good.

Thanks for replying. You have stayed and it's been three years. What if he manages ten then relapses, would you leave? I feel like practically it will work. What you said about me taking control I feel I can do that. I just don't know if I should try and then ten years down the line I'll end up leaving because of it! So confused wether to walk away, especially when you love them. You want to help them be better. I guess I need to make that choice.

Hi again

Like them, we have to take it one day at a time. I can't know what I might do ten years down the line. It would depend on the extent of the relapse. If it was anything like the previous situations he'd be toast without question but I'm confident I've done everything I can to minimise the damage he can do. It's worth bearing in mind though they can still get round anything we have in place. Cash loans from friends or family for instance won't show anywhere. Some CG's have taken out loans and credit using alternative addresses. Some steal from work. Don't underestimate what desperation can drive them to.

It is confusing and worrying and no-one can know what path he will take but people do learn to live alongside it and achieve happy, normal lives. It's for you to decide what you can live with but there's no rush to do so. Think through what you want and need to be happy.

Hey again, thank you so much for the help and advice. You don't u derstand how much it has actually helped. And yes you're right, it's a decision I don't need to make straight away but do need to put a lot of thought into it. I don't want to run away out of fear as he's an amazing guy bar the CG. however I need to reflect how I would cope if it did happen again. Thank you again. Hope all is well with you and your partner/husband.

Hi Rosey,

I've just recently found out my boyfriend is a CG. It has been three weeks and he still will not give me access to his accounts ( as he promised. He is aggressive and defensive whenever I remind him) or even admit he has a problem. He is admitting to 8k debt this last year so god only knows the extent of it. If he doesn't accept he has a problem, I cannot be with him. I want to help but he doesn't want me to, he doesn't want to stop. He is putting his gambling above me. If no statements etc appear by the end of the month, I am kicking him out. I am devestated.

It sounds like your boyfriend is trying to put you first. I am a firm believer in that people are not perfect. They mess up and need help sometimes. But then we don't have a crystal ball. I guess if you are willing to stick around then you have to accept that there may be a relapse and that you may get hurt. You can protect your finances though. Good luck.

Sarah

Hi there RoseyT - Trust what your intuition is telling you, I recently found out my boyfriend was a cg, he had kept it a secret, when I found out I was faced with a potential life of taking care of his finances as well as my own. I just couldn't face it, we broke up, the trust was gone, too many lies. If I had known about the addiciton when we met I wouldn't have continued dating him. If you feel unsure now, your instincts are sounding alarm bells letting you know to be cautious. If there is a relapse in the future after you marry have children, mortgage etc, it will bring you much heartache.

Thank you both for the advice. It is much appreciated. How long were you together before you broke up if you don't mind me asking? My intuition is saying to leave but I know it's also out of fear. The reason it's tough is I haven't met someone quite like this before- personality wise. It's tough, I can relate to the lies as he relapsed once before but we were still friends so I felt betrayed but I had not invested a lot of feelings at that time. Now two years on we have become closer, and I really need to make that decision as I'm leaving it to linger on.

Morning,

My husband's gambling was exposed a couple of years ago and he's not gambled since. We have high barriers (that he could get round if he so chose but ATM he doesn't) and we both attend regular meetings. But nothing's easy. He didn't gamble (that I know of) before we were married and I would have run a very long way had I known how things would turn out.

My experience is not that my husband is a perfect man or would be if only he didn't gamble. Nor do I seek perfection and hopefully he doesn't either - he won't get it. But stable and happy people at one with themselves and the universe don't gamble or use any substance or process to cope with life. They don't need to. Put another way, if you take the gambling out of problem gambling, the problem with the person remains.

I would question the idea of the partner being ideal but for the gambling. The behaviour displayed during gambling, such as lies/denial, mood swings, immaturity, skewed thinking, remoteness (emotional and physical) is what causes the most suffering and anyone on the receiving end is not being respected or treated well by a supposed life partner. And in my case, the problems of distance and skewed thinking remain after the gambling stops. They can only change IMO if a full 12 Step recovery program is undertaken and most addicts don't do it.

It's easy to think that this is all about him, but it raises some uncomfortable questions. He is needy and something about his neediness attracts you. Better to keep the focus on you and think about what you need from a life partner (emotional availability? respect? maturity?) and then think whether, realistically, you can get these from an active addict and why you would be willing to go without.

Would suggest to research addiction and try GamAnon or CoDA meetings.

Look after you.

CW

Hi cw

I am glad you responded as I have seen some of your advice and you seem headstrong. Your comment is interesting about he is needy, and why I can go without some things. I think because I helped him recover so far I feel we have overcome a lot already. He attends GA every week and is committed to the programme regarding changing behaviours etc.

You say your husband gambled after marriage, my dilemma is if that happens. If I throw this away now and meet another who also becomes addicted to something (alcohol, gambling etc). Then I'd be in the same situation! Or now that I'm aware of the problem I am going in with eye wide open so it could be better in that sense?

Thank you for the advice. How long has your husband not gambled now if you don't mind?