When my parents met, my dad was a compulsive gambler, my mum found out when I was 1 or 2 years old, she tried to help him and went to gamblers anonymous classes but he was stubborn and hostile towards her. All I remember of my childhood with two parents at home was arguments and my dad sitting infront of football games. When I was 4 and a half my parents separated and got divorced. He continued to gamble, I would lie awake every night waiting to hear my mum start crying so I could go downstairs and comfort her - I struggled to sleep for years afterwards. My mum had to take out a second mortgage for a house she had paid 90% towards to cover what he was owed in the divorce - of course he gambled it all away.
My mum was embarressed, she didn't want to talk to anyone, she told me not to tell anyone the reasons that they got divorced so while she hammered into me not to lie, not to ever bet money on anything, not to keep secrets - all the things he had done - I had to lie to my friends, tell them their marriage simply didn't work out. I bottled up my feelings until well into secondary school when it all came pouring out to my best friend. But by then I was already impacted by it. My mum's embarressment meant she didn't talk to any friends about money or issues with him so from an early age I was consulted about whether or not to pay for a holiday, I was the one she complained to when my dad didn't pay what he owed in child support and we had to save money that month.
Although I was lucky enough to have one parent with a stable job, I did always worry in the back of my mind about whether we would have less money that month. And now I struggle to spend money. I was taught not to trust my dad, not to ever give him money, to understand that he sometimes lies, that he keeps secrets and now I don't have much of a relationship with him at all. I saw him once a week for a few years. Me and my younger sister, who my mum and I tried to protect, would go to his bedsit and play by ourselves while my dad sat at his desk watching the football. Sometimes he would go abroad for a few weeks, then a few months and then he moved abroad indefinitely. He was running away. He comes to visit once every few months and he takes us shopping. He doesn't really talk, he's so obsessed with money that he things that's all we want - material things to make up for his lack of parenting.
Now I'm at university, I have a boyfriend, my life is good, I've almost learned to accept that I just don't have a dad in the same way everyone else does but he has had a lasting impact. I'm surrounded by alcohol, smoking, betting, drugs occassionally at university and all I can think about is a comment my mum made once that sometimes people have addictive personalities. What if I have one? What if my boyfriend does? I don't want to be in my dad's or my mum's shoes somewhere down the line, I refuse to bet money on anything but I am paranoid about every possibility of addiction, dependency, not having enough money. I don't think I've ever totally explained everything to anyone. I feel that people won't understand - people don't take a gambling addiction as seriously as substance abuse and I don't want to make my mum feel as though she's failed; she did the best she could on her own.
Thank you for your wonderful post which many of us will read with heavy hearts.
It really underlines the consequences of gambling and the life changing impact that it can have on families.
You have done very well and there’s no reason to think that you or your boyfriend are going to fall to any addiction. You have lived the consequences of the selfishness that gamblers show and you are wise to their manipulation. You are not like that and you have nothing to worry about. Nevertheless I think your mums advice is worth following!
Thanks again for sharing your experience.
Hi gambler's child thank you for sharing how you feel and how you've been affected. It's a hard read for a mother of 16 and 18 yr olds. I know how my daughter feels but not my 18 yr old son. He is guarded about his feelings. You can't hide it unfortunately whether you choose to stay or not. I think you should respect addiction. I see signs in my son, problem is as many know you don't start out addicted, it 'grows'. I was taught from a young age that 'gambling is a mug's game'. Yet I married a compulsive gambler! I also grew up with divorced parents, my dad lived abroad since I was 12. Acrimonious is an understatement. I think from that experience I chose to deal with the problem and stay in my marriage. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and we don't know what's best to do. We don't know what's going on in next door. Many people are struggling emotionally be it debt, mental health, long term illness, controlling behaviour. Very few perfect lives out there. If you are worried about the affect that this has had on you, call gamcare for counselling. I think it's a good thing to be cautious with money, avoid drugs, focus on your studies. My background of having less money than others helped me get through, taught me to look after my money. I'm not saying that this has not affected all of us but my father was not a compulsive gambler and he caused chaos in another way. The most important thing is you. What do you want? It's ok to have a relationship with your father, it's ok to talk to him. You don't have to lie to anyone if you don't want to. There are going to be more compulsive gamblers in the future due to online, social media. Gaming addicts, phone addicts etc. You are not alone with this. Life is full of ups and downs, change, disappointment. Take the positives from this, don't focus on the negatives. Being a compulsive gambler does not make someone a bad person, they are troubled. They definitely don't have an off switch. Think of it this way, a compulsive gambler doesn't want to be like that, they just don't know how to stop. Real life becomes unmanageable without the gambling. It's interesting you say that you don't have a dad like everyone else. You would be amazed how many people are keeping secrets. Don't forget you too can go to a gamanon meeting if you wish. Talk to gamcare too, even if it's just on the phone. I've taken on board what you've said, Thankyou!
Thanks from me, too. It seems that eventually your mother did find GamAnon, having unloaded a non-childhood burden onto you first. I suspect that I did the same. It would be nice to think that the kids will not be affected by growing up with addiction but it’s hardly realistic. At this stage, all I can do is stick with meetings and set an example, if my children struggle they may choose to follow this example.
I’d suggest that you try CoDA (for anyone who wants to develop healthy relationships) and GamAnon (for anyone affected by someone else’s gambling). There’s a lot of literature out there, try Pia Mellody’s Facing Codependency and Robin Norwood’s Women who Love too Much. You may well need to unlearn some childhood lessons.
CW
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