Hi all I am new here.
My fiancee has always had an interest in gambling, but it was never really a problem until our son passed away. About 4 months ago we lost our son shortly before birth due to genetic problems. It has really hit us hard and his gambling has now become an addiction.
I've tried everything I can to prevent him from gambling (we even have a lock box with all our cards in it) but he still always finds a way. I was just telling my counsellor that he hadn't gambled in about a week and immediately after walking out of my appointment found a deleted text on my phone from a sign up confirmation for a gambling site. He had spent over £200, and it put us short for all of our bills until Jan 14th, this includes rent.
I know this isn't a lot compared to some others struggling with CG on here but we currently only have one income, my income. I had to return to work earlier than I was able to cope with just because we were not surviving on maternity pay, I had to take out several loans and they are all in my name. My credit score has been completely ruined. A lot of my income goes towards paying off these debts and credit cards. I don't have any money to save or spend on myself. Last thing I bought myself was £2.50 leggings from poundland because I can't afford better. I've been so stressed out today that I haven't eaten at all, and I'm scared the food in the cupboard won't last. We don't even have cat food in right now. Because of my income, we don't even qualify for any benefits but it's not enough for 2 people to live on let alone when one of them gambles it all away.
Immediately after promising me today he wouldn't gamble again, he went into a casino and put £5 on. He thinks everything is okay because he won £200, covering his losses yesterday. I now know that I shouldn't give him any ultimatums, but it really is me or gambling. I am struggling so much with losing our son, I can't deal with this too. Please help, because I am drowning here and I am at a loss for what to do next. I love him and we've been through so much together, but I'm worried his gambling will be the straw that broke the camels back.
Hi,
It’s really hard to see anything clearly when you’re caught up in it but if you want your situation to change, it’s for you to make changes. Put another way,”Improvement begins with I.” This isn’t what you may be expecting to hear but it’s definitely the best way forward.
Start by getting help and support for you, preferably from GamAnon or CoDA, find a meeting and go regularly. Also support is available via this website or the Helpline. The aim is not to stop your OH from gambling or to teach you to better hide the cards. The aim is that others who have been in the same situation help you to help yourself, to give to the strength to stop enabling, to teach you to care for yourself and identify your own self and your own needs. Running round playing hide and seek with the bank cards hasn’t actually stopped him from gambling. In fact, nothing that you’ve done so far has fixed him. That’s not because you haven’t tried hard enough and it’s not because you lack the magic formula. It’s because he’s the one gambling - and he’s the only one who can stop. No matter what you say or do, you can’t “make” him do or not do anything.
This is why the answers about your situation lie with you and not with him. You can make choices about whether or not you are going to pay for it, whether or not you are going to tolerate the antisocial aspects of being in a relationship with a CG (or trying to be). As long as you pay, he plays... but mature adults pay their way and maintain themselves and their families. Toddlers, on the other hand, make regular messes for Mother to clear up. You get to decide what you want in your relationship with your life partner.
He may well suffer if you don’t run after him, but your recovery involves recognition of your own interests and a willingness to stand up for them.
Move the focus onto you, look after you.
CW
Hi mystex I'm so sorry to read what you're going through. Bereavement is enough without the gambling and debt. CW is right, it's about you and what you want. Never give a cg money or take loans out for them. If he's not earning he doesn't have access to much credit, so if you stop funding him he should reach rock bottom soon. Has he been offered bereavement counselling? That may help him deal with his feelings rather than gambling to escape. Unfortunately we can't make it better for you. The change must come from you. Meetings and counselling will help. Ultimatums don't help but you do have a choice whether you want to live with an active gambler. Tough love I'm afraid. Put yourself first, his debts last. Call the helpline to talk to someone. Get some advice on coping with the debt. You can set up repayments that you can afford instead of struggling and not eating. Please look after you, you're in a vulnerable position. Get support asap.
This is heart breaking to read. I’m so sorry to hear of your loss, for me it’s incomprehensible to even Imagine what you’re going through.
As a CG all I would say is protect yourself.
Good luck and best wishes
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
