Hello , can anyone advice me , i met my patner 2 year ago , he admitted he was a cg but said he was 2 year clean , he lost 3 quater million in the bookies , he recently bought a greyhound and goes regulary to the track , he sits reading the racecards , i ask him , are you sure you can do this ? He assures me his gambling days are over , he attitude towards me has changed a lot , almost like he doesnt care and has started being abusive , shouting swearing , his son has left home and is having councilling , he told me last week he thinks his dad is gambling again , im suppose to be marrying this man , im so confused , he had one bout of hypnotheropy 2 year ago that he said worked , he has lots of money coming in , like 7grand a week for the last 6 month , he has bought 3 expensive rolex though , which makes me even more confused as id of thought if he was gambling , he wouldnt use his money for anything else , i asked him straight out , he said no but i also asked his son , would he tell me the truth , his son said no , im in shock , no one seems to understand what im going through !!
Hello Debs44
Welcome to the forum. There's a lot of support here for you. I can offer you some advice as a starting point, and I'm sure you'll receive more support and advice from others who may have similar experiences.
I can hear that you and your partner's son have been through a lot as a result of your partner's behaviour. Things at home sound very difficult and upsetting, and you are finding it difficult to know what to do about it. As well as not knowing whether you can trust that your partner is no longer gambling, it also sounds like the relationship itself has changed, and this is having a very negative impact on you. You mention that you had plans to get married and I can imagine you have real concerns about your future together, but perhaps it's best not to focus too far ahead for the time being? For now, I would encourage you to take things one step at a time, and try to be clear in your own mind about what you want from your partner before confronting him.
You could ask your partner to give you evidence that he is not gambling. Perhaps you could oversee his account by having access to his bank statements/online banking, and take control of the finances.
Generally speaking, for someone who has experienced a gambling problem, it is advisable to avoid anything that may trigger the urge to gamble. I would imagine that his involvement in greyhound racing is likely to trigger those urges. So even if he is not gambling, it wouldn't be best for his own recovery or for the health of your relationship.
If your partner is gambling again then he would be very welcome to access help and support here. It is likely that even after hypnotherapy some years ago that he would need further help in order to stop gambling. Unfortunately relapses are common but with the right kind of help, he could learn from this and be able to move on without gambling in his life. It goes without saying that in order to benefit from any form of help, he would first need to accept that he has a gambling problem and to be committed to the process. This could take time so remember to look after yourself and to remember that it is his responsibility to overcome this. Your role would be very important as support and encouragement are important but do rely on close friends and family for your own support, as well as this site and the helpline/netline. So the next step would be to talk properly about this. When you know the facts, however bad things are, at least then you can then decide what you do next.
I am concerned that you mentioned things at home are abusive, and so outside of our helpline/netline hours (8am - midnight) please do call the Samaritans: 116 123 (open 24 hours every day).
We are here for you and your family, every step of the way.
Best wishes
Laura
Thankyou Laura , fortunately i do not live with him and only see him once a week , he is very private about his finances so i would have no way of knowing . Its been a week and a half since i confronted him , he said "its my mum stressing everyone out " He hasnt contacted me since nor i him , i feel like i should walk away as if he IS gambling again and his son has left because of this , his son is his world, then what chance do i have ! I love this man and im torn between saving myself and helping him , he says greyhounds are his life , that his new dog is " the one " im starting to think he is mentally ill with the things he says ! I always thought if he started gambling again , he would tell me ... thats what hurts so much , i never took him for a liar ! I think i already know the answer to my question , just took me to write it down ... what a horrible addiction ! Being someone who likes to "fix" people , im finding it hard to let go ..i feel sorry for him
Debs, as a CG and who after 7 years has let the demon come back Into my life I have read your page and if like you say your partner was a CG then owning a g/hound and reading race cards is equivelent to a heroin addict owning bags of heroin and not being tempted.
i personally have found it hard to admit the demon had returned, I went back into my own bubble, became I'll and my world once again is surrounded by the demon gambling.
In order to get answers From your partner I can assure you that you need to be hitting some hard questions to pop ur partner out of his bubble, he will be in denial like I have been and he will lie in order to cover his tracks.
its an awful situation it makes nice people awful manipulating liers.
good luck.
It sounds like he's gambling & your intuition is right.
Hi, Debs,
We understand all too well on this side of the forum. We've all been on the receiving end.
In one sense you don't really need to be told on here that he's gambling again. You know yourself that he is, your instincts and common sense tell you so, as does his son. His son sees a real problem and is acting accordingly by getting counselling. But a CG will lie, deny, blame you and behave as he is behaving, so that you lose faith in your own judgement. That's actually quite dangerous for you but it suits your partner because it allows the gambling to continue unimpeded. Once you, his son, other family members insist there's a problem and act accordingly, that flies in the face of his denials, so he won't like it. Active CGs use various tools to manipulate, my husband was verbally aggressive first time round and achieved what he wanted - I backed off.
The three Cs: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. He can choose between gambling and recovery but you can't make the choice for him and you can't fix him. Same applies to his son. You can enable the gambling eg by paying for it (directly and indirectly) or by going along with his lies. You can inhibit it by refusing to pay for it or refusing to go along with his lies. But the final decision to go to the racetrack or to GA lies with him.
Best advice is to carry on with what you are doing, getting support and information for you. Read round the forum, call GC, try GamAnon meetings. Then you'll know what you're dealing with and be in a better position to make decisions.
FWIW, I don't recommend my own experience, I would never have married him had I known that he was or would become a gambler. Thinking you can fix him is a recipe for unhappiness because at the end of the day, we're each responsible for our own happiness. It comes from within.
Look after you.
CW
Thankyou everyone , cynical wife , ive got to walk away as i have young children at home , a few month ago he asked me if i would put my money in his safe , my instinct told me not too although i didnt suspect gambling at this point i knew not to give him my money .. this is the main reason im walking ! I work hard for a living and to think this horrible addiction could of taking my savings ... wow how do you all cope , its devastating !
fomilads wrote:
Debs, as a CG and who after 7 years has let the demon come back Into my life I have read your page and if like you say your partner was a CG then owning a g/hound and reading race cards is equivelent to a heroin addict owning bags of heroin and not being tempted.
i personally have found it hard to admit the demon had returned, I went back into my own bubble, became I'll and my world once again is surrounded by the demon gambling.
In order to get answers From your partner I can assure you that you need to be hitting some hard questions to pop ur partner out of his bubble, he will be in denial like I have been and he will lie in order to cover his tracks.
its an awful situation it makes nice people awful manipulating liers.
good luck.
that is what i thought , its like an alcoholic sitting in a brewery ! I put myself in his mindset the other night , sat reading the racecards at home , picked out who i thought would win and put bets on ...daft i know but every dog lost , i know he would be waking up the next day in a mood ...like he does most days now , so i took from that too that he is gambling , i wont be torturing myself anymore , wish i had a magic wand to make this go away forvyou all ...
fomilads wrote:
Debs, as a CG and who after 7 years has let the demon come back Into my life I have read your page and if like you say your partner was a CG then owning a g/hound and reading race cards is equivelent to a heroin addict owning bags of heroin and not being tempted.
i personally have found it hard to admit the demon had returned, I went back into my own bubble, became I'll and my world once again is surrounded by the demon gambling.
In order to get answers From your partner I can assure you that you need to be hitting some hard questions to pop ur partner out of his bubble, he will be in denial like I have been and he will lie in order to cover his tracks.
its an awful situation it makes nice people awful manipulating liers.
good luck.
Hello fomilads, i have read all about impulsive behaviour and how the reward system works in our brains , i feel like im the weak one walking away but he hs been there before , put his mother through hell , his reward in his own words for not gambling was that his son came to live with him when he was 16 , his son now lives with his mother ... I wish you all the luck in the world and admire your honesty .
Why is it weak to walk away? It's not easy to have the upheaval and change of direction. I never managed it.
Gambling does create adverse consequences and the standard advice is to allow him to feel them. His son has left home because of the gambling, not the other way round. You are questioning your future together because you can see the problems that the gambling will cause you. Not the other way round. He's not gambling because of anything you or his son have done. The consequences follow on from his choices.
His salvation lies with him, he has to take responsibility for his own actions, responsibility for his choice between racetrack and recovery. If he successfully passes it to you or to his son, then it promotes the denials and allows the gambling to continue.
You can't save him from himself. Keep the focus on you.
BW,
CW
Cynical wife wrote:
Why is it weak to walk away? It's not easy to have the upheaval and change of direction. I never managed it.
Gambling does create adverse consequences and the standard advice is to allow him to feel them. His son has left home because of the gambling, not the other way round. You are questioning your future together because you can see the problems that the gambling will cause you. Not the other way round. He's not gambling because of anything you or his son have done. The consequences follow on from his choices.
His salvation lies with him, he has to take responsibility for his own actions, responsibility for his choice between racetrack and recovery. If he successfully passes it to you or to his son, then it promotes the denials and allows the gambling to continue.
You can't save him from himself. Keep the focus on you.
BW,
CW
your right , its took a lot of strenth to come to the decision i have , i love this man and he is quite unique to me in his ways , i meant every word i said to him and im left with the thought now that everything he said to me was a fantasy , his dream of us living in thailand , ive since learnt gambling is banned over there , so he knows whats right , its a shame that the money he is saving is fastly being fed to the bookies , he had a really nice car a few months ago , he sold it and made up a story that he didnt want his mate knowing he was doing well and wanted his mate to believe he was gambling again , his mate by the way is a cg , looking back now he was covering his back in case i bumped into his mate , i more i look back , the more i can see ...me and my kids have to come first , i know this , thankyou for your advice
Hi Debs44
Im the mum of a compulsive gambler.
Several months ago my husband and I were left with no choice but to tell our son to leave, we havent seen or heard from him since. We had tried every thing possible to help him and none of it worked and his behaviour got to such a point living with him was intolerable.
I dont in the least feel weak for telling him to leave, quite the opposite, Ive proven to myself that I am far stronger/braver than I ever thought possible, and initally the upest of him going was more than I could bare. Im doing well now and the intial upset has healed quite a bit
It wasnt a choice as such it was the realisation that we cant help him, and were in effect enabling him by accepting his bad behaviour.
This has to be about whats right for you and your children , and Im afraid as much as you love your partner his priority is his next bet.
Phoenix67 wrote:
Hi Debs44
Im the mum of a compulsive gambler.
Several months ago my husband and I were left with no choice but to tell our son to leave, we havent seen or heard from him since. We had tried every thing possible to help him and none of it worked and his behaviour got to such a point living with him was intolerable.
I dont in the least feel weak for telling him to leave, quite the opposite, Ive proven to myself that I am far stronger/braver than I ever thought possible, and initally the upest of him going was more than I could bare. Im doing well now and the intial upset has healed quite a bit
It wasnt a choice as such it was the realisation that we cant help him, and were in effect enabling him by accepting his bad behaviour.
This has to be about whats right for you and your children , and Im afraid as much as you love your partner his priority is his next bet.
hello phoenix67 , i totally understand what you are saying , when his son told me he thought his dad was gambling again i asked him if he confronted him , he is too scared to upset his relationship with him , i told him this was wrong and you must stand up to this , the trouble is that his own mother bends over backwards for him , she does everything for him , sorts his debts in the past , confronted bailliffs , i know she cannot do the tough love thing with him and this is fustrating for me as this is what im now doing right now , ive cut him off for my own sake but have since passed on camcares detail to his son , theres an underlying issue behind the gambling , but its his issue now , not mine , thankyou for your advice .
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