Hi all, I’m new here and think my husband has a gambling problem.
I need to say I haven’t yet spoken with him about my suspicions as I’m still trying to understand them and understand how I feel about it all too.
To start at the beginning, we met in our late teens and he would go to the casino every weekend with friends as we grew closer he went less. I know he has always liked betting mainly horses, dogs and football and I know he’s done it online in the past but I’ve only recently discovered the extent and the large sums he has bet.
In 2014 we went travelling and at the time he earned more than me but when it came to going he hadn’t been able to save as much as me, whilst we were out there we took out a loan to help finance the last part of our trip thinking “this is once in a life time”.
In 2018 we got married and whilst we saved liked crazy for the wedding we still ended up a little short and again had to take out a loan to finance the last payments.
during both of these periods of time he was gambling what I would consider large amounts of money £500-1000, at one time I think he has won a large sum just 6 months before the wedding but I never saw it. Whilst to my knowledge he didn’t use our actual savings to gamble it explains why some months we were short. I can’t recall but I suspect he lied about why he was short some months or why a certain bill was higher than normal etc.
Fast forward to now, I’ve discovered he has taken payday loans out, bank loans out and taken loan payment holidays all of which I know nothing about. He has also had bonuses at work and he earns more than he has told me when we work out our bills/finances for the month. Whilst I have no recent evidence of gambling I just can’t see where else this money is going especially given the past instances that I’ve just recently discovered.
I know it’s a secretive addiction and a disease but I feel so betrayed even just on the money side when we have had times we have really struggled, particularly in the pandemic.
I guess my question is where do I go from here do I confront him about hiding money or do I ask him if he has a gambling problem? I suspect he will lie about both things if so what then?
He has anxiety and depression which he has recently acknowledged and is seeking help for. He also had to take out an IVA for his debt recently too.
I feel I’m being naive as all the signs point towards a gambling addiction but how do I help him to acknowledge this? And how do I make sure it is this with so much secrecy around money in our relationship?
Hello @liberty20 and welcome to the forum.
Sorry to say that it does sound as if your husband has a gambling problem, with the loans, being short of cash at times, the secrecy etc.
You"re doing the right thing, biding your time and finding out about the addiction first. When I discovered my husband had a problem, I rushed in and didn't handle things very well. I regret that now.
I totally understand you feeling betrayed. As a non-gambler it is so hard to understand the sheer amount of money lost and wasted. I still feel sad about the life and experiences we could have had, especially with the children. I try to put it behind me and look forward, as I know I can't change it, but some days it's hard.
It's important that you protect yourself and your finances. Keep your money separate if you can. There is also support available for you here if you contact the advisers.
When you are ready, you could sit down with your husband, at a time when you are both calm, and ask him about your concerns. As hard as it is, try not to be judgemental as this will make it harder for him to open up.
There is support out there for him, and blocking software he can download onto devices he uses if he gambles online. The real issue is that he has to want to stop for himself. You can only support him.
Take care and keep posting. You are not alone. There are lots of people here who can offer support.
J
You are the rational one in this. You owe it to yourself to confront him. If he's gambling uncontrollably the situation gets worse with every passing day.
He has form for gambling problems, financial secrecy and anomalies. Start with full financial transparency and credit reports (yours and his and all available free of charge) from all agencies. If he has nothing to hide he should be happy to prove it but please put your own interests first and last.
Hi there,
This is a great place for help and advice.
This very much seems like a gambling problem - I had one too and it’s all very familiar. I came clean to my husband 5 weeks ago and it was the hardest thing I did, but also the best thing.
Going back several months, it was really tough when my husband would ask occasional questions about money (he was never bothered about the bank account or looking at it, so I sorted all bills etc myself) It made me really angry, irritable and then the lies would spill out. It became a daily thing and I found it really easy to do. I had so many opportunities to come clean, and every remark he made about money etc, I just gave another lie. When I did come clean, although I think he thought something was going on, he didn’t suspect gambling.
I think what you need to do is gather as much information as you can, look at credit reports to get the update info etc, and ask the question calmly. If he is backed in to a corner and you have enough evidence, he won’t be able to deny it. And if he had enough respect for you, he definitely won’t deny it.
Be there to support and help him. My husband was so worried about me and what I had been through, but more upset that I felt I couldn’t talk to him. He never once shouted at me, got angry with me, ignored me. He just wanted me to be ok and he’d be there to help. I was and so very lucky, even though I accumulated £25k of debt, he was absolutely amazing.
I hope you get through this and your husband puts things in place to help himself and you.
Good luck,
Claire x
Thank you so much for the replies it’s really good to hear from both sides.
Im going to keep gathering evidence as best as I can, although the secrecy in that is totally alien to me I feel I do need to arm myself so that he can’t deny it when I am able to speak to him. If it is a gambling problem I will of course help him through it but I feel I can only do that if he wants to be helped, I just hope it goes that way.
Again thanks for all your comments it’s been useful and supportive for my first post here.
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