My husband recently quit his job because he was disillusioned with his career prospects. He is very clever and good at maths/logic, so he now thinks he could become a professional online poker player if he learns all about it and 'trains' hard enough. He claims that, although there is a luck element to it, there is also a lot of skill that can be learned if you can do the maths etc. (And that the finalists at poker tournaments are usually the same people, suggesting that they really are good at the game.) I was surprised that people play poker professionally, didn't know anything about it - but my gut reaction is, no way. Bad idea.
We've been arguing on and off about this for a few months now (while he is actually playing poker online every day). I first thought, ok, he's very stressed, has an early mid-life crisis, he needs a break and likes poker as a hobby. I told him he would definitely have to take a 'proper' job, at least part-time, in addition to the poker (doesn't matter which job, just something normal). He first agreed (at least I thought so), but has since changed his mind and wants to do it full-time and long-term. He's the kind of guy who does everything 150%, no matter what.
The problem is that now all I see are poker books, poker telly, and online poker (which he calls 'work'). He's trying to convince me that this is all ok and not risky, that he is playing low stakes, he has special software that shows him what his weaknesses are (or similar), etc.
I just have a really bad feeling about it, but so far he hasn't lost money (as far as I'm aware) and is apparently doing fairly well. I hate the idea of his income coming from gambling. And when does it become problem gambling? (For me it already is a problem.) When can you tell he's addicted? I assume he already is as he's doing it almost every day? Sorry to sound naive.
I just don't know how to convince him that it isn't a good idea, that it is unlikely he'll ever win a huge amount, and that it is an unethical way of earning money. Do any of you have sources with statistics about how likely it is to become addicted to online poker?
Any other advice is much appreciated. I feel like walking out right now, but we have a child and I don't want to risk the marriage if we can somehow turn things around again.
Thanks.
C
Hi, the advise I was given was,an addicted gambler could gamble small amounts or large amounts if it causes an issue between you as a couple then it's a problem, mine wasn't always large amounts but it was the lying and sneaking around that finished us, I'm afraid if you start laying down the law and he is addicted then he will have to lie to carry on, hope that makes sense. Xx
Hi Claudia
The previous postee is right in that if it's an issue between you then it's a problem.
The ex wanted to quit his 55k year job with bonuses working in a senior role for a presigious company to become a professional white collar on line gambler.
He even devised a pyramid scheme with the view to gain funds to gamble with and sold this business concept to his family as a "sure thing" .
I knew this was ludicrous but it got totally out of control when it went from a hobby to a whole new level of insanity.
I guessing he cannot be appealed to on the grounds of having a young child that needs financial stabilty.
From my own experience when it's gambling with a view to it being a profession rather than a leisure activity for escapism , it brings a bigger dollop of guilt for people such as us.
You go from being "big bad Mummy" spoiling all their fun to being the single reason they are blocked in realising all their future hopes and dreams.
You become the reason they can't " progress" with the gambling career aspirations and many times I was accused of being bad luck or jinxed because I was not buying into the dream.
Hes going to do what he wants to do regardless ..but you must self protect at all costs xxx
Thank you - your advice and experience of this is much appreciated. What I'm especially interested in are facts/figures I could present to my husband against online poker.
Are there any official stats that say that only x% of poker players ever win long term etc? I don't think he'll believe me, but he may believe some official guidance.
He says that e.g. Victoria Coren is really successful (he's reading her autobiography right now), and that there are some people who are just much more skilled in the game than others. That is hard to disprove for me, but I guess there are thousands of players who will never make it.
That aside, the game itself is unethical I think, so there are many other factors against it. But I'm mainly worried about the addiction side of things.
They say poker playing is a hard way to make easy money but the stats you ask for Claudia will depend on the level of stake money used.
Around only 5% male it as long term professional poker players and that's less to do with skill of the game but like in any business it's 99% to do with cashflow management.
More worrying is that the value of money will go even further when taking this to a professional level as will the obsession in my humble opinion.
Profits made by gambling to me I class as dirty money as opposed to clean wholesome earned money you can feel proud of..
Would he stake his job , house, wife and young child on a 5% punt? What does that say about your value? Plus you will always have to provide a buffer financially,as this is something else professional players have at their disposal ..financial "backers"
Xxx
Thank you for your answers, they all are very helpful. To be honest, I'm very afraid right now. How do I help him, and how do I help myself? When you say "self-protect", what do you mean in practice?
I'm going to tell him all the reasons why I'm worried, all the things that have set my alarm bells ringing. Problem is, he may not admit it to himself.
Hi Claudia ,
Its unlikely with this obsession that he will admit it to himself , as the denial of gambling as a serious issue is the number 1 reason it causes so much pain to others.
The person believes that they are in control of it when in fact it's the other way around and like any addiction it's progressive.
CGs in GA. Recovery have to always go back to step 1 which is an admittance of being powerless over gambling as relapses occur when they become convinced they have it under control again and get complacent.
Self protection for me would in the practical sense mean taking over as much of the family finances as possible and restricting access to savings and credit in the form of payday loans etc.
it would mean that your basics such as a roof over your head, food, work etc are not affected by his actions.
On an emotional level I would try and practice detachment which is to have other people and social activities In your life other than him...try not to make him your whole world.
A good way to look at it is that they become addicted to the obsession and then we become addicted and obsessed about them,and what they are doing et always trying to preempt their actions or by turning detective.
We also have no other conversation other than what "he" is doing or not doing which can alienate friends.
Try to have other strands to your life that are solely for your own pleasure,
Self protection also means not bailing him out which will also bring discomfort in the form of sulks and anger and blame towards you. It's like saying no to a child and then having to put up a tantrum. Bailing only continues the cycle of codependancy whereby he gets a stave of execution and you are left carrying resentment much the poorer in body ,mind ,bank balance and spirit. If you can have your own bank account so much the better.
Self protection also means setting boundaries for yourself as to what you will and won't accept.Writing this down can be a good exercise to keep you focussed. Idle threats or ultimatums do not work but clear communication in the form of what you will and won't accept and the consequences of his default can be very empowering so long as you carry that out.
Lastly , all I will say is that for me self protection really had to involve an honest assessment of the worst case scenario. It is also maybe a good exercise to look at what your options are regards living arrangements in the event of this getting out of hand. It's usually advised to remove yourself from the situation and gain your own space, even if it's the spare room or somewhere in the home whereby you can have you time.
Saying you can't cope and need space is also not a failure ..
I did not have young children but found myself spending more of my time out of the house not wanting to come home as the atmosphere was so tense.
I'm sure other people will be along Claudia to offer their experience xxxx
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