My husband has had a gambling problem for years. Last time I caught him he had run up £20k debt on secret credit cards. We had a baby and toddler at that point and i couldn't face leaving him. I told him that was is last chance, if he ever gambled again our relationship would be over.Â
He's gone 18 months without gambling (as far as I know). But this weekend i found 2 transactions to XXX from his bank account.Â
He said that he made the payments by bank transfer. He was going to gamble, but changed his mind, and because he no longer has a XXX account the funds have been returned to him. But £XX left his account and £XX has been paid back in. He says that sonetimes the payments don't show up but eventually it will show the correct info.
I think he's talking rubbish but he is extremely convincing and making me feel incredibly guilty for doubting him.
I feel sneaky but have checked his emails and last month he got an email from a vip relationship manager at XXX. Surely this means he's been gambling, they don't just send random emails out do they? Do you have to have an account for them to email you?
My head is a mess. We have a 3 & 5 year old. He is a fanastic dad but i just can't live like this.Â
Hi,
If you think something is amiss i would go with your gut instinct until (hopefully) you are proved wrong.
As gamblers we become sneaky and not to be trusted and are very good at spinning many lies at the same time.
I was never an online gambler so cannot assist with any online queries.
I hope he is behaving but i would make sure you investigate all avenues.
Best
Thank you. My gut tells me he is lying. His story just doesn't add up. I'm scared of what the implications of this are though. Separating, splitting up the family.Â
Hi,
Â
As compulsive gamblers we find ways to deceive and lie to the ones we love, its terrible but we somehow in our minds make it appear acceptable and deceive ourselves of this too.Â
Think about the bigger picture, if he has been clear (and you have verified this) for 18 months then this is a massive step change, intervene and say that you understand it's tough trying to give up and if he has slipped then lets talk about it and bring it out in the open. Give him one last chance to come clean and explain the ramifications if you find out that was a lie.Â
I remember when I was at my worst, I would lie and deceive and even when I really wanted to reach out and stop it was really difficult and I was scared to talk to my spouse.Â
Let me know if you want to talk more about this or ask any more specific questions about online gambling.Â
Cheers,
N
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I hope he can prove you wrong but as everyone said, trust your gut.
As for separating, no one can make that decision for you. I can only share my own experience with you and hope its somehow helpful. I left my ex when our oldest son was 11 months and I was pregnant with our second. His gambling had completely spiralled out of control in a short space of time and the constant lies and mood swings had completely broken all the love, trust and respect I had for him. It was a scary and difficult time but since we don't share a household and finances anymore, we get on well and we both want the best for our boys. And yes, he still gambles but (this sounds harsh) it's not my problem anymore. All that matters to me is that he is there for his sons. They are still very young - both under two - so we will have to explain this to them at some point but for now I am very happy that they don't have to grow up with two parents arguing over money all the time and all the tension that comes with that.Â
Talk to your husband. Talk to friends and family. Addiction feeds on secrecy so break that cycle. To me openness is the only thing that could solve this. Make him read some of the posts on here if you have to. There are plenty of examples on here of couples who made it work and I hope it will for you as well. I just wanted to share my experience with you to show that you don't have to be scared of whatever it is that lies ahead.Â
Â
I am the partner of a compulsive gambler and understand the internal conflict of wanting to leave vs breaking up the family and consequences that entails.  I haven’t figured what that looks like for myself yet but it sounds like you’re right to be suspicious - and it’s with good intent. Â
Best of luck to youÂ
X
Hi esscee
is your husband on gamstop?
Â
its an online service to stop any online activity.  If not I would ask him to sign up for 5 years and see the reaction.  For me facing my cg ways it’s a godsend as a hurdle to gambling online.
Â
just a Thought
Â
take care
Â
sarah
Hello all
thank you for your support of Esscee. Hopefully she will check in and let us know what is happening.
Just a quick note about Gamstop. Gamstop is a scheme which allows you to self-exclude from multiple gambling sites in one step. Many UK-registered gambling sites participate in the Gamstop scheme. It doesn't yet cover all UK gambling sites but more are being added in time. You can find out more at www.gamstop.co.uk.
We also suggest having a look at blocking software as well, to make it even harder to access online gambling. You can find out more about blocking software on our website:
https://www.gamcare.org.uk/self-help/blocking-software/
It sounds like the stumbling block for Esscee is whether her husband is willing to fully embrace recovery.Esscee, we're here for you if you want to talk - just contact us on 0808 8020 133 or chat to us 1:1 on the NetLine.
Best wishes
Forum Admin
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
