Its starting all over again

Hi phoenix it's such a shame to hear that things didn't improve but your gut was right, cg cannot gamble at all. My initial reaction is don't abandon the girl friend and your grandchild. The gf is obviously clueless to addiction and in denial. I also don't think you should keep fears to yourself. It's a tough situation and no one knows what is the best thing to do. In my experience it was all secrets, never talked about, no support. I will never know if I'd had more support from my inlaws whether things would be different. As you know living with an active gambler is sometimes extremely difficult. You don't have to see your son if you don't want to but maybe just let the gf know you are there for her. She might feel stupid not listening to you.

Thank you Merry go round. What you say makes complete sense, this is all quite new for her and hes such a good liar and manipluator, its not her fault. She is pretty much on her own with him, she has very few friends and family around her, shes moved a long way from all of them to be with him. We are the only support she has anywhere near her. I wont abandon her, but must admit theres a very big part of me wants to,Im. so angry at him, he doesnt care who he hurts in his selfish nasty behaviour, he does so much damage then just walks away like its no big deal. Im staying away from him, but will tell her she knows where we are if she needs us. To be very honest though it feels like Ive got no other choice.

Its normal to be angry, but its out of your hands. All you can do is educate yourself regarding compulsive gamblers and let others know. In fairness it seems like you have done this, you son's partner thought you were "unfair to him", that line there is an alrm alright, you can imagine what he says to her about you and manipulates her to his way of thinking to allow him to keep gambling. If possible you should try to talk to her alone, give her support as at least that way your supporting your grand child also.

If there are gamAnon meetings anywhere nearby maybe suggest you both go so she can learn what living with a compulsive gambler really means.

I am one myself so I was in a similar boat to your son, I could reduce my bet size for long spells but eventually it would spiral out of control. I resisted GA for a long time as deep down I knew it meant stopping gambling for good. Your son will hopefully realise the same but thats for him to do, as you know you cant control him. Hopefully one day he will see the light.

Thank you Joe

I have spoken to her several times, educated her on how to protect herself etc etc and told her to get support for herself but I dont think she sees it - yet. He messes up (his words) she threatens to throw him out, but like always he manipulates her into getting what he wants, cant blame her really he did it to us for years before we got wise to it. Hes gone back to being very unpleasent with us, quite cruel really he knows exactly how to do it and thinks nothing of it, just shrugs his shoulders and walks off. None of this is new, but as much as Id like to say it doesnt hurt any more it does hurt a lot, well it does me, my husband is passed caring. Even though we've seen the very worst of him countless times, and I like to think Im wise to pretty much everything he says and does and theres not much he can get passed me any more but I dont think I'll ever understand how cruel my own child can be. I know its the addiction, but he can still hold down a full time job and to any one else appears normal if thats the right word but with us, mainly me he can just say or do the most cruel things and just walk off. As expected he'd made out we were not much short of being monsters, and is more than likely doing the same right now although she knows its not true she thinks he world of us and we do her.

Having said all that Im ok, if thats the word, Im looking after myself getting on with my own life and have support when I need it but I just cant be anywhere near him. His girlfriend knows she has our support when she needs, and I know shes going to sooner rather than later.

Id like to think he will see the light one day, think that one day is very far off, if not never.

Thank you for your support.

Hi, Phoenix,

Seems that you have stopped overfunctioning for him (Harriet Lehrer’s phrase, worth reading her “Dance of Anger”). You’ve stepped back, so he’s found someone else to step into the breach and enable him instead.

Don’t enable her to enable him, once you’ve told her what she needs to know, it’s up to her what she does with it. You can’t change her behaviour any more than you can change his.

Know your limits as to what behaviour you will or won’t accept from him or from her, draw your lines in the sand and stand up for them, regardless of who does or doesn’t like it. Detaching with love doesn’t mean that you don’t care, it means that their behaviour doesn’t affect you. It’s not personal and addiction is an illness.

Keep the focus on you, take care.

CW

Thank you Cynical Wife

I will read Dance of the Anger, thanks.

You are correct he's literally gone from us to her, and although I dont doubt they have feelings for each other ultimately to him she is another person to enable him. Hes been so devious and calculating in the process, only now theres not just them two theres a baby involved.

It didnt occur to me that I could possibly be enabling her, but I think you have a point there so I will be a little more conscious of what I say or do. I have told her pretty much all I can, but unfortunately I think with a combination of his manipulation, lies and her "wanting to believe the best in him" shes going to be learning some very hard lessons. I did mention again to her about getting some support and asked if she'd spoken to her parents, but she doesnt want to, doesnt want to worry them and my son has asked her to keep it between them and specifically asked her not tell her parents he doesnt want them thinking badly of him. I told her my concerns but shes having none of it.

Theres so many things about the way he treats people makes me angry, but this is so calculating and devious Im absolutely furious with him. Shes only at the beginning of it all and wants to believe him and doesnt see shes being manipulated , but hes going to break her and their little boys hearts and theres nothing I can do about it.

Recent events have unsettled me to say the least but Im ok, boundaries in place and he knows we will not waver on them and she knows where we are when she needs us, nothing more I can do or want to do so its back to my normal life again.

Thanks again CW