I have been questioning finances for months now since we have moved in together, he never asks me to pay for anything because he knows I still have my mortgage (in process of selling) and he makes more then me. So I didn’t care at first but lately been continuously wanting to talk about our future and finances and kept getting pushed off. I knew something has been off he’s been isolating himself from everyone including me, snippy, and just not himself. He had finally spoke to his mom the other day which made me happy he was able to speak to someone and I know she would also push him to talk to me. He didn’t. Instead I got served papers for him regarding 119k of online gambling debt. He broke down and was relieved I finally knew, he states he was “waiting until it was taken care of” to tell me. Which I obviously don’t believe bc how can I believe anything right now. I feel so isolated and I can talk to his mom but she’s more worried for him because he was open to both of us how suicidal he got from being so ashamed he did this. I knew he gambled online but he makes a well living , didn’t care until we were married/kids, obviously I was naive to ever think it was this bad. I am trying so hard to be supportive because he is struggling and has to tell his father (has $$) and that’s apparently harder then it would’ve been telling me. idk what to do or think anymore. I have my own money and I am not dumb, he isn’t getting a dime to pay off things but how do I move forward with him or is this just a lost cause. I feel I just want to ask him a million questions of what he’s always doing always because of my betrayed trust which is so unhealthy for me.
personally I would run a mile the opposite way if your partner hid all this what else is he hiding .gambling addicts are very manipulative but basically they are liars .they would take your last penny within a blink of an eye and no afterthought apart from them.being the victim if you do stay tie every last penny of your own personal wealth and finances down to your own personal banking to keep yourself safe gods blessings to you
(@qwa8dm02v9) Sorry to hear what you are going through. I'm not sure this is the right place for you to be seeking advice on such a sensitive and complex matter, probably better speaking to a therapist or counsel. But for what it is worth, I would say you need to put yourself first in whatever decision you come to.
Don't listen to @g3y6a5jbds, not all gambling addicts are "manipulative" and "liars".
All the best.
Danny
I agree that all gamblers are liars. I lived that lie and hid everything from my ex. First thing you need to do, before even considering the relationship, is to make yourself financially safe. No ties to the partner. No way they can access your money, and no way they can take out loans on your behalf. Once you've done this you can consider the relationship.
I was in huge debt. I lied about it. It cost me dearly. I have changed though, so it can be done. Can the trust ever return? I don't know that answer. My ex didn't stick around to find out. I would have done everything to save the relationship, but deep down I know she would never trust me again. You have some tough conversations ahead. He has to tell others. If he can do this openly and honestly, and then give you full access to all his accounts, then you may be able to rebuild. If he hides even one thing, then he is not showing full desire to win you back and quit gambling. It is tough for him, but he has to realise, if you are going to support him, it will be even tougher for you.
I hope you find the answers you need.
Stay strong 👍
Hi! From being a gambler in a relationship whilst hiding my debts to my partner, I sincerely empathise with your situation. I think the hardest part is the revealing of the debts, now that it is evident you can make your plans for the future.
One thing you can be sure of is your partner’s addiction, there is help out there for people who have suffered as a result of their partner’s gambling. This is a complex addiction and although he has lied to you and kept things hidden, it does not mean he can’t change and overcome this.
Since going into recovery, I have met gamblers who have maintained their relationships through complete honesty and handing over their finances. It’s up to you whether you want to work with him or cut ties, only you can know the answers. If you do want to work with him, gamcare can offer their support and services including counselling and meetings.
I hope you find the right answers.
Ed
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